Grooming behaviour is targeted; there is no other way to say it. It is deliberate with an intention to engage a victim in sexual acts. If you check out my last blog; I talk about what grooming is as defined in the Criminal Code. Earlier, I also defined what a sexual act consisted of…
But how does it begin? How does it happen and what are the signs? We are up to blog 7 of the “Your Questions Answered” Series. As an advocate for change and someone who wants to break cycles of abuse, I believe is one of the most important things to know about how sexual abuse occurs.
Most groomers, (which can be anyone) have techniques they use to ‘trick’ and gain access to a vulnerable child. Only 20% of reported sexual offences have occurred where the victim has NOT known the offender. The majority of Sexual assaults occur when there is some relationship already.
SO, we definitely need to know how grooming occurs. More often than not, it is not an obvious display of trickery, but as subtle and unidentifiable as possible.
What kind of child does a predator typically target?
Unfortunately, Paedophiles are cunning… they are tricky and they exist in a space where manipulation is the way to an end goal. So they choose victims based on the vulnerability, neediness, and those that are more likely to please… The predator can use many tactics but the end goal is that the child will be too afraid to speak. How do you avoid your child being targeted? (Let’s cover that in the next blog)
What does Grooming look like; how does it happen?
It looks like anything…! How long is a piece of string? Sometimes it is so hard to know what to look for but we can only try and create as much awareness around this as possible.
There are specific techniques paedophiles use, and they involve a great deal of patience on part of the predator including setting themselves up as model citizens; well embedded into the community and community activities. These positions are usually where their reputation and community standing enables them to hide behind a facade. It would not cause anyone to even think the person could be capable of grooming or sexual abuse.
This role, or community involvement allows trust to be built in adult groups and as such even the most responsible parents drop their guard. The parent believes the person to be safe and so allow more and more access to their child.
They are incredibly nice people, paedophiles. In fact, like my uncle they would never do the wrong thing; butter would not melt in their mouth.
The problem is that this leads into the grooming of the parents and the false sense that they can be trusted.
Many of these offenders prefer the company of younger children over adults. Sadly it is because they know they have power over young children, which allows them to have a sense of control.
What are the signs of grooming?
There are some specific signs to be mindful of, but as every child is different so too are the ways in which they will be groomed.
Typically…
1- Child may sneak time or try and be on their own with the groomer/predator. (especially in the online environment.)
2- The groomer makes time to spend with the child, intentional, one v one time where the groomer will listen and pay particular attention to the child.
3- Child may have gifts, money or small tokens. The child feels ‘special;’ special praise, and compliments are given, which may seem out of place, and even over the top. (This tends to be out of sight of any other persons).
4- In order to desensitize the child, the groomer may spend more time with the child when they are dressing, bathing or going to bed.
5- Accidental touching is certainly not off the cards. There were times I remember when I was going through the barbed wire fence or getting in the car and Uncle Bob would use that chance to touch me somewhere… oops. What it meant is that I got used to it. There may even be excessive hugging of the child.
6- Overt sexual jokes or talk- the aim to desensitize the child to sexual talk.
7- Rough play with the child, where being close is expected- i.e wrestling and perhaps inappropriate placement of a child with certain positions.
8- Be mindful of children sitting on laps… There are different ways to do this, and there will be a marked difference between how a predator will sit a child on their lap as opposed to someone who is not. i.e, is the child comfortable, what are their mannerisms? Are they squirming? Uncomfortable? Afraid? Are they being made to sit? Is there a blanket?
9- The child will relish the attention given and be upset when the groomer is not around. This could be as a protective measure out of fear, or a fear of someone infiltrating the world created by the groomer/predator.
10- This power the predator has over the child or the one being groomed can result in the child becoming particularly defensive about that person. Protective almost.
Unfortunately, paedophiles have really ruined genuine connection for wonderful fathers (in particular) and caring family members who enjoy spending time with their loved ones. An important thing my dad said after I had broken my silence was that he wasn’t sure how he should be around me and the other kids. There is a big difference to the love a genuine person gives to that of a paedophile. Again there is not any one particular thing that will tell you a child is being groomed or is a victim of sexual assault or child trauma, but there will be a combination of factors, such as the physical signs, psychological signs and even behavioural signs combined with the above behaviours that could lead you to believe something was ‘off’. You will know if you see it. You have to trust that your instincts are right, and back yourself.
Next blog: Strategies on how to avoid grooming behaviour, what you can do about it.
Much Love XO
Kel
Disclaimer:
Every situation is different and each situation has its own very complex circumstances. There are no hard and fast answers, what I say here is my experience- and my own opinion supported at times by research.
This stuff is not black and white. It just can’t be. What is black and white/ right and wrong is that Sexual Abuse and Sexual Violence is never ok, and it is never under any circumstances right.
What is grey is in fact terribly dark… That is the silence that sits surrounding this topic. The shame and absolute fear so heavily laden on the shoulders of victims that the mere thought of speaking brings crippling anxiety and fear.
Lets change that… together.
For further support you can click HERE:
If you are in immediate danger, please call 000 in Australia.
To report sexual abuse to police- please attend a Police Station or call 131444 for Policelink. (Australia)
To seek support or assistance you can contact me, www.kellyhumphries.com (I am a single entity who can offer advice, and personal coaching. I am not a psychologist or registered counsellor, but I am very approachable and happy to help.
You can contact the Centre for Sexual Violence at http://www.casv.org.au and download any of their brochures and information, and likewise Bravehearts– https://bravehearts.org.au/
For internet related advice please contact The Carly Ryan Foundation http://www.carlyryanfoundation.com
#SexualAbuse #GroomingStinks #UnscathedBeauty #YourQuestionsAnswered #Courage #AreYouInTune
12 Survivor Tips To Survive Christmas
I had a survivor message me recently and ask, “Kel, do you like Christmas?”
I didn’t know how to respond except to say I have learnt to choose Joy even when it feels hard. Like life, our thoughts come in waves. Our memories come in waves and Christmas is one of those times that can be very lonely, difficult, and triggering. Sometimes it’s because we have lost loved ones, others because of painful memories and so much more.
In many ways I am grateful that I have made new memories. Water bomb fights, wrestles, camping, fishing… It seems to make the waves come less, my frown lines become laughter lines and I hold gratitude in my heart. I have worked stupidly hard on myself to find my smiles and joy, so when memories come that are tough, or people in my life make things hard, it feels personal, it feels lonely, it feels like we’re not seen.
So, I reset, take a deep breath, and choose to do the things I enjoy anyway. (Really, I just try not to have those people in my life) BUT we know that sometimes for the sake of family, and to keep the peace we keep those people around us.
SO… for survivors and their families, I have come up with 12 tips that might help through this time. I honestly believe no matter what you do, or where you are, Christmas is a time for gratitude. To be thankful for those we love, who care for us, and togetherness. Sometimes we don’t have those people and that is when we need to be brave, step out of our comfort zone and make new connections. It’s not easy, but no one said growth and healing was… but it sure is worth it. After all, we have had to survive for a long time… It really is your time now… time to connect, time to thrive… time to honour you!
My survival list for survivors and their families.
For supporters of survivors.
40 Lessons in 40 Years!
I HAVE A GIFT FOR YOU!
40 fabulous lessons in life in no particular order. Why? Because it’s my 40th Birthday and I am reflecting on how I have survived, and how I have lived!
Thank you for all the wonderful birthday wishes so far!
I was very unhappy about turning 40. Like I got really sad- as if I can stop it lol.(Am I the only one who had a freak out at 40?)
I just feel like there is SO much to do and I have these expectations about what I feel I should have accomplished by now… and still haven’t. So I have flipped my perspective.
I am grateful for everyone, every lesson and what I have achieved so far, SO there really isn’t anything to get sad about right?
There are other lessons too of the humorous kind I could write about too… like making sure you point the chisel away from you when chiselling… yeah that’s the kind of stuff I do. I have the scars to prove it!
I’ll save that blog for another day!
These are more about life- 40plus lessons for 40 years! My gift to you!
Which ones resonate with you?
Like this? Tell me and maybe I’ll expand this and turn it into an ebook for you! With love and gratitude, Thank you all for your continued support and love!
Kel xo
Running on Empty? The importance of self-care and discipline in effectiveness and healing.
It’s been an epic few months! Needless to say, I feel like I have been running on empty! It’s not just a metaphor, it seems to be how we are all doing things these days and we wonder why we feel like we are stuck in a rut and ineffective. In reading this quote, and a few things happening this week, I decided it was time for a blog!
The importance of actually taking the time to reflect and review is essential to growth, but also in our healing journey. The art of healthy hyper-vigilance-If there is such a thing is anyone’s guess, but it lies somewhere in between a healthy balanced life, looking after yourself and an understanding and awareness of self. (I just came up with this based on my own experience, but It totally makes sense when we consider that most of us these days are operating at a high level of alertness and that is the norm. Any survivor, law enforcement personnel, or anyone living in a stressful lifestyle will understand hyper-vigilance)
When it comes to actual self- care… pfft… In the words of ‘Kimberly Sweet Brown’, “Ain’t nobody got time for that!”
I realise in the writing of my book “Unscathed Beauty,” and working full time and tr
ying to balance all that I do – I am no expert and I am still learning. In fact, I have had many failures. However, one thing that I have come to recognise these past weeks is the power of self-care and discipline in healing. I have always known it’s important, in fact essential but the thing that I have always used as a coping mechanism. (busyness and distraction) mean’s that I haven’t really addressed parts of my healing that could well have benefitted from some actual intervention and time out.
It is very easy to get caught up in the chaos around us, whether that be our own chaos, or someone else’s. It’s a rare art form to maintain the external mask on the outside, and appear to the rest of the world like your world, ‘as they know it….’ is perfect. Its hard work keeping that mask looking unfazed… We become the masters of burying things, passing them off as nothingness, like pushing aside the panic attacks, dismissing those sweaty palms and failing to address fundamental issues that matter, like sleep!
Pretty soon we end with a very ugly mask… kinda like I was the other day and for the whole of this last week… sick, more snot than I knew what to do with…and quite literally my heart racing as I was running on empty… and barely making it to the destination. (I literally had been rushing around, going to doctors, looked horrible and almost ran out of fuel! It was a great metaphor for where I was at)
When the case of Cardinal George Pell came through and there was huge media coverage surrounding the case and sentencing. A number of people messaged me and asked why I thought they weren’t coping, why they all of a sudden were struggling with issues they thought long buried, and why they felt triggered. This is when I wrote the blog, HARD WIRED TO SURVIVE.
I had to ask myself some questions then, and I find myself asking similar questions again in the aftermath of releasing my own story “Unscathed Beauty,” to the world. I have taken a step back, because I have at least learnt when I need to rest… recognise when I need to address certain issues, and ensure I follow through with what is important so I can remain effective. (not to mention friends and family in my ear about not burning the candle at both ends!) Maybe you have been through intense periods yourself… and perhaps your candle was burning at both ends!
There were a number of intense emotional battles throughout the entire journey of writing that I had to overcome, but particularly in those last few weeks there seemed to be a number of hurdles that presented right at the last minute. Almost like someone was saying, you can’t do this…it’s too hard… It made me fearful, afraid and wondering what people would think. Old fears I thought I had overcome had re-surfaced. New fears had reared their head. New problems emerged and problems I thought I had fixed decided to show up again.
Its been a couple of weeks since the launch, and while I have still got lots to do I feel like I can breathe a little sigh of relief! (Thank God!) It’s time to refocus again…
Without writing another book, here are a few things that I am trying to focus on to achieve better self-care in order to be more effective. Some things I already do daily, others… well they have been a little neglected and pushed aside!
To do any of the above, and to look after yourself it really takes some discipline. That means holding on to your values, and the rules you have set for yourself… its hard, because when they are challenged, even by your own thoughts, the default emotion is shame and guilt. We then have to battle with this… and some people will play on that… but hold on! Stay brave and surround yourself with people who want you to succeed and be your best.
When you do have those triggers, or when something pops up for you that is challenging, i.e The Pell case, ‘Get help.’ Don’t ignore the feelings… my thoughts are simply that you have a choice now in allowing yourself to heal from whatever it is you are feeling. We can push it back down and the stress and effort it takes to hold that in will eventually rear its head elsewhere. Use the opportunity to heal and grow as things pop up for you.
Hope this helps a few people refocus and refuel the empty tank…!
Much Love,
Kel XO
Hard Wired to Survive- 3 Reasons to Keep Your Brave On.
A dear friend of mine recently said, to me after I come across yet another obstacle in my journey to getting my book published, she said, “Oh Kel, Why do we always have to constantly be so &**()^ brave?” I actually dismissed the answer at the time… I didn’t mean to, but it’s such a big question.
I want to address it now at least, part of it. The mere definition of Brave means,“…to be ready to face and endure danger and pain, while showing courage and without showing fear…”Cambridge English Dictionary
I’m not sure how to answer her question, but i’ll give it a go! Here are just three ideas out of my list I would like to share with you about the struggle to keep our head up!
1.We are Hard-Wired to Be Brave.
We talk about fear all the time like it is a bad thing. We talk about being strong for a long time like it’s a bad thing. We talk about being in and enduring pain, fatigue, loneliness, heartache and trauma like its all so terrible. Well yes it’s not nice, its not pleasant, and its certainly uncomfortable and at times quite tragic…But we seem to forget… we were born… so we could live. We were born so we could survive.
Our body has been gifted with certain things to help us. For example; our brain, body, physical strength, creativity, and emotions all make up our hard wiring. If we never had a difficult time in our life, our brain would have no idea how to conceptualise what it sees, how it responds and the kind of reaction it will have to something. Your brain is wired with an internal alarm system. Too much stimulus could quite possibly make the hard wiring short circuit, and that is when other coping strategies step in… then we learn to survive. Sometimes those circuits rewire and make new pathways. Your brain is amazing like that.
We were born to survive and we are hard wired to ‘get through stuff.’ It can be tiring… but its not all bad! Our brain was designed to deal with things that scare us…and to come up with solutions and solve the problems in front of us. That creates resilience. It creates character. It builds people. You can be brave, you were born with the wiring in you!
2. Being Brave Leads to Growth.
Challenging yourself when you feel afraid, allows you the chance to grow and learn. If you have a fear response to a certain stimulus, learning to recognise whether it as a good or bad thing is a learned response. Challenging those learnt responses is what will provide you the opportunity for growth, healing, and change. That is part of the battle. The other, is knowing you will be safe when you open the door to that fear. Knowing what will happen when you accept that challenge. Will you be okay? Can you control the outcome?
Sometimes the greatest opportunities for growth come when you are brave enough to stop assessing the risk and just do it anyway. You cannot control everything. But you can learn how to challenge your fear responses.
3. Being Brave Helps us Move Forward.
It’s easy to stay where it is safe. It is easy to say that I can’t do it. It is easy to stay where you know, where nothing can get you, harm you, and kill you. Moving forward is an unknown. Yet we all want something in this life and that means we have a decision to make.
Do we stay where it’s warm and comfortable… or do we set sail and make the most of the journey we have. By being brave, you give yourself the chance to have the life you dreamed about before whatever hurt you made you too afraid to go and get it.I’m trying right now NOT to let those things get in the way of what I do next. Don’t stay where you are too long… you might miss the chance.
Yes I know how it feels to be tired. For those who have an understanding of the bible you might be familiar with the word Long-suffering. I’m not saying don’t be comfortable, but just don’t hide when it get UN-Comfortable. Be brave enough to see why you feel that way, and challenge the feeling.
We live in a world where we want things to be done now… and that includes wanting the pain to go away, the anger, the hurt. They are there for a reason and teach us about ourselves. We must listen. It also teaches us that we believe in something, that we love, are loved and have value.
We are all on a journey. Just don’t miss the best parts of it by being too comfortable. Trust that you have what it takes and move forward in whatever circumstance you are in, knowing you are hard wired to survive, to be brave… and you have what it takes to learn and grow.
What to do after its happened to you… or someone else. What to do after sexual assault or violence.
I am someone who knows this and with a background of over 10 years in policing, I know that the stats are just a scratch on the surface of what is really happening. So it goes without saying that cultivating a safe space to talk about some of the hardest things imaginable, is essential. This includes workplaces, schools, families and individuals.
In giving you, or someone you know the best chance of recovery post incident, I have put together a few tips and things that I believe MAY help should anything like this happen (immediatley after an incident).
Tips- If something has happened to your child
If something has happened to you
Remember you and your family are valuable. I hope nothing like this ever happens to anyone in your family- it is the reason I have written blogs about what signs (Physical, Psychological, Behavioural) to look for, grooming patterns etc… in terms of preventing harm and sexual assault and violence occuring.
Even if you never have anything like this happen, make a decision that you can be someone who can stand up and help those who need it and be someone who breaks cycles and not perpetuates them. What I mean by this is, when something happens to someone around us, we have a choice. That is to believe them, validate their experience, reassure them that they are safe and show them love… or we can allow our emotions to rule us, and/or indifference and as a result it could really harm a persons ability to heal. Be a warrior for someone who is in the midst of crisis. You may just save their life.
Thank-you!
Much Love Kel XO
Disclaimer:
Every situation is different and each situation has its own very complex circumstances. There are no hard and fast answers, what I say here is my experience- and my own opinion supported at times by research.
This stuff is not black and white. It just can’t be. What is black and white/ right and wrong is that Sexual Abuse and Sexual Violence is never ok, and it is never under any circumstances right.
What is grey is in fact terribly dark… That is the silence that sits surrounding this topic. The shame and absolute fear so heavily laden on the shoulders of victims that the mere thought of speaking brings crippling anxiety and fear.
Lets change that… together.
For further support you can click HERE:
If you are in immediate danger, please call 000 in Australia.
To report sexual abuse to police- please attend a Police Station or call 131444 for Policelink. (Australia)
To seek support or assistance you can contact me, www.kellyhumphries.com (I am a single entity who can offer advice, and personal coaching. I am not a psychologist or registered counsellor, but I am very approachable and happy to help.
You can contact the Centre for Sexual Violence at http://www.casv.org.au and download any of their brochures and information, and likewise Bravehearts– https://bravehearts.org.au/
For internet related advice please contact The Carly Ryan Foundation http://www.carlyryanfoundation.com
What to do if it happens to you… your immediate response and tips to avoid sexual violence
The worst thing you can possibly imagine has just happened... or maybe you heard that it’s happening right now. Perhaps… it’s an ongoing thing. Maybe a friend….or even your very own child. Perhaps it is happening to you…!
As you will know my heart and passion is to help break cycles of abuse. A little about what I am doing with this blog series can be found here. I have been concentrating on getting my book #UnscathedBeauty ready to publish and been a little slack on the blogs- sorry.
My last blog, “Beating the Beast” was brilliant in terms of ideas and strategies to help prevent abuse. In the unfortunate event that you miss something- or something does happen to someone in your world, like a Rape, Sexual Assault, Sexual Abuse or Child Abuse, what are you going to do? How do you handle it? What action should you take?
So much sexual assault and abuse goes unreported and I understand the shame and guilt surrounding this- because this is my story too. #metoo So I have put the following in the hope that perhaps it will help. (This is specifically about what to do if Sexual Assault or Abuse happens and your immediate response.)
What if sexual abuse or sexual violence is happening right now?
Be reminded – for any of the responses I have to these questions, it is my best advice. I am not a doctor, or a clinician, nor am I present in your world. I have a psychology degree, and a Policing background, but all ideas here are based on my own experience, and through a little research. While I believe I am credible, understand that all situations and circumstances are different. I cannot tell you what to do; but I can tell you what I know.
“Firstly, if you are in immediate danger: Call Police! In Australia the number is ‘000.’ In other countries the number will be different but call for emergency assistance immediately.”
Even if you are scared to tell police, they can make your situation safe so you can at least take the time to understand what has happened and make a decision you feel comfortable with about whether you want Police to investigate the matter or not, or what step you should take next.
If something has happening to my child, or is currently happening to me what is the first thing that I should do?
Tough question! As above- if you are in immediate danger: Call Police! In Australia the number is ‘000.’ In other countries the number will be different but call for emergency assistance immediately.
Get yourself or your child or family member to a safe place so you can make an informed decision about what to do next.
If this is an ongoing matter- and you have been a victim of long-term sexual violence or abuse, then you have possibly already learnt how the perpetrator behaves… and how to ‘stay safe’ with this particular perpetrator. (What I mean is that whilst it’s not okay and you don’t feel safe, you probably have already learnt some of your own strategies that have kept you going, you might have already learnt what the perpetrator wants… and what will keep you alive and safe. When you are free and away from the perpetrator, you can and definitely should get help)
You will be surprised at what you already know about how to survive until you can get help. My response here may make some people angry- particularly if you have never experienced sexual abuse or violence. What I am saying and as you can tell from my words so far- is that ab
use on any level is never okay. Do what you can to stay safe until you can get help.
If the perpetrator is someone who is escalating with violence then do everything you can to fight and stay safe.
Every scenario is different and we all have certain strengths and weaknesses which we can use to help us. Survivors have a great gift-it is learnt and that is resourcefulness. Use it.
Furthermore every perpetrator is not the same, so the decision you make must feel right for you at the time.
A few tips if someone tries to assault you: (Again- every situation is different)
Sexual assault is never okay. EVER. It is never your fault either. Sexual assault is about a perpetrators need for power and control over the victim. Perpetrators should be dealt with by the law- arrested and charged accordingly.
I will write another blog this week which will explain what to do in the event that something actually does occur and what steps you should take, to not only look after yourself after an incident, but how to then go and make a report to police. I will also put together something about how to be safe generally and reduce the chances of this happening at all.
Much Love, xo
Kel
Disclaimer:
Every situation is different and each situation has its own very complex circumstances. There are no hard and fast answers, what I say here is my experience- and my own opinion supported at times by research.
This stuff is not black and white. It just can’t be. What is black and white/ right and wrong is that Sexual Abuse and Sexual Violence is never ok, and it is never under any circumstances right.
What is grey is in fact terribly dark… That is the silence that sits surrounding this topic. The shame and absolute fear so heavily laden on the shoulders of victims that the mere thought of speaking brings crippling anxiety and fear.
Lets change that… together.
For further support you can click HERE:
If you are in immediate danger, please call 000 in Australia.
To report sexual abuse to police- please attend a Police Station or call 131444 for Policelink. (Australia)
To seek support or assistance you can contact me, www.kellyhumphries.com (I am a single entity who can offer advice, and personal coaching. I am not a psychologist or registered counsellor, but I am very approachable and happy to help.
You can contact the Centre for Sexual Violence at http://www.casv.org.au and download any of their brochures and information, and likewise Bravehearts– https://bravehearts.org.au/
For internet related advice please contact The Carly Ryan Foundation http://www.carlyryanfoundation.com
Beating the Beast- 10 keys to Predator Prevention
Grooming behaviour is targeted; there is no other way to say it. It is deliberate with anintention to engage a victim in sexual acts. If you check out my last blog; I talk about what grooming is as defined in the Criminal Code. Earlier, I also defined what a sexual act
consisted of…
But how does it begin? How does it happen and what are the signs? We are up to blog 7 of the “Your Questions Answered” Series. As an advocate for change and someone who wants to break cycles of abuse, I believe is one of the most important things to know about how
sexual abuse occurs.
Most groomers, (which can be anyone) have techniques they use to ‘trick’ and gain access to a vulnerable child. Only 20% of reported sexual offences have occurred where the victim has NOT known the offender. The majority of Sexual assaults occur when there is some
relationship already.
SO, we definitely need to know how grooming occurs. More often than not, it is not an obvious display of trickery, but as subtle and unidentifiable as possible.
· What kind of child does a predator typically target?
Unfortunately, Paedophiles are cunning… they are tricky and they exist in a space where manipulation is the way to an end goal. So they choose victims based on the vulnerability,neediness, and those that are more likely to please… The predator can use many tactics but the end goal is that the child will be too afraid to speak. How do you avoid your child being targeted? (Let’s cover that in the next blog).
· What does Grooming look like; how does it happen?
It looks like anything…! How long is a piece of string? Sometimes it is so hard to know whatto look for but we can only try and create as much awareness around this as possible.
There are specific techniques paedophiles use, and they involve a great deal of patience on part of the predator including setting themselves up as model citizens; well embedded into the community and community activities. These positions are usually where their reputation and community standing enables them to hide behind a facade. It would not cause anyone to even think the person could be capable of grooming or sexual abuse.
This role, or community involvement allows trust to be built in adult groups and as such even the most responsible parents drop their guard. The parent believes the person to be safe andso allow more and more access to their child.
They are incredibly nice people, paedophiles. In fact, like my uncle they would never do the wrong thing; butter would not melt in their mouth.
The problem is that this leads into the grooming of the parents and the false sense that they can be trusted.
Many of these offenders prefer the company of younger children over adults. Sadly it is because they know they have power over young children, which allows them to have a sense of control.
· What are the signs of grooming?
There are some specific signs to be mindful of, but as every child is different so too are the ways in which they will be groomed.
Unfortunately, paedophiles have really ruined genuine connection for wonderful fathers (in particular) and caring family members who enjoy spending time with their loved ones. An important thing my dad said after I had broken my silence was that he wasn’t sure how he
should be around me and the other kids. There is a big difference to the love a genuine person gives to that of a paedophile. Again there is not any one particular thing that will tell you a child is being groomed or is a victim of sexual assault or child trauma, but there will be a combination of factors, such as the physical signs, psychological signs and even behavioural signs combined with the above behaviours that could lead you to believe something was ‘off’. You will know if you see it. You have to trust that your instincts are right, and back yourself.
“Beating the Beast- 10 keys to Predator Prevention”
So we have been chatting over the course of a few months now and I have been answering the questions you asked me to delve into.
Last blog, I spoke about “Grooming” and what to look for with grooming behaviour. While the list is not exhaustive, we can be sure that when we are connected and communicating with our kids, and they feel safe, they are more likely to tell us when something’s not right. In the same way, as I have shared the physical, behavioural and Psychological signs of sexual abuse, understanding and being aware of these things will help you to know whether the child, or children in your life may be being targeted.
So how do you prevent the children in your life from being targeted by a predator?
I’m not sure you can completely create a zero risk environment, besides locking your child away, which we know is not realistic… but there are some things that you could do that may minimise the risk. Of course there may be other things I have missed, but here are 10 key strategies that come to mind.
Consider this also, sometimes hard as it is we don’t want to know what’s happening. I know this sounds ridiculous, because what parent or carer wouldn’t want to know if ‘that’ was happening, right? See here lies the problem that we face- most parents are really good, most families are really good. As a society however we are changing… Social media, conversations about sex and some of these tough things are talked about as if they are normal now. This pushes parents into a position of relaxing the boundaries… Young people are becoming older, faster… Not many people raise eyebrows at awful things… maybe it is simply because no one knows what to say… or everyone has an opinion about it, or too much is happening. It does not lessen the impact on the victim- I assure you. It is either buried or admonished firmly, and hideously. So where is the happy medium and the loving support that happens in the middle of hidden secrecy, and righteousness? Who will be brave enough? You? It is ridiculously important to be educated about this stuff so you know how to be there, to take the right steps and not perpetuate a cycle of silence through a lack of knowledge and understanding. It doesn’t mean things won’t happen. It means you minimise the risk, you empower yourself to fight and minimise the risk to your family that child abuse will ever enter your home.
Much Love,
Kel XO
Next Blog: What to do in crisis… if sexual abuse, assault or trauma is happening now.
Disclaimer:
Every situation is different and each situation has its own very complex circumstances. There are no hard and fast answers, what I say here is my experience- and my own opinion supported at times by research.
This stuff is not black and white. It just can’t be. What is black and white/ right and wrong is that Sexual Abuse and Sexual Violence is never ok, and it is never under any circumstances right.
What is grey is in fact terribly dark… That is the silence that sits surrounding this topic. The shame and absolute fear so heavily laden on the shoulders of victims that the mere thought of speaking brings crippling anxiety and fear.
Lets change that… together.
For further support you can click HERE:
If you are in immediate danger, please call 000 in Australia.
To report sexual abuse to police- please attend a Police Station or call 131444 for Policelink. (Australia)
To seek support or assistance you can contact me, www.kellyhumphries.com (I am a single entity who can offer advice, and personal coaching. I am not a psychologist or registered counsellor, but I am very approachable and happy to help.
You can contact the Centre for Sexual Violence at http://www.casv.org.au and download any of their brochures and information, and likewise Bravehearts– https://bravehearts.org.au/
For internet related advice please contact The Carly Ryan Foundation http://www.carlyryanfoundation.com
#SexualAbuse #GroomingStinks #UnscathedBeauty #YourQuestionsAnswered #Courage #AreYouInTune #MeToo #PredatorPrevention #TrustYourGut #TalkingFamilies
Are you in tune with how a predator grooms? Know these 10 signs.
Grooming behaviour is targeted; there is no other way to say it. It is deliberate with an intention to engage a victim in sexual acts. If you check out my last blog; I talk about what grooming is as defined in the Criminal Code. Earlier, I also defined what a sexual act consisted of…
But how does it begin? How does it happen and what are the signs? We are up to blog 7 of the “Your Questions Answered” Series. As an advocate for change and someone who wants to break cycles of abuse, I believe is one of the most important things to know about how sexual abuse occurs.
Most groomers, (which can be anyone) have techniques they use to ‘trick’ and gain access to a vulnerable child. Only 20% of reported sexual offences have occurred where the victim has NOT known the offender. The majority of Sexual assaults occur when there is some relationship already.
SO, we definitely need to know how grooming occurs. More often than not, it is not an obvious display of trickery, but as subtle and unidentifiable as possible.
What kind of child does a predator typically target?
Unfortunately, Paedophiles are cunning… they are tricky and they exist in a space where manipulation is the way to an end goal. So they choose victims based on the vulnerability, neediness, and those that are more likely to please… The predator can use many tactics but the end goal is that the child will be too afraid to speak. How do you avoid your child being targeted? (Let’s cover that in the next blog)
What does Grooming look like; how does it happen?
It looks like anything…! How long is a piece of string? Sometimes it is so hard to know what to look for but we can only try and create as much awareness around this as possible.
There are specific techniques paedophiles use, and they involve a great deal of patience on part of the predator including setting themselves up as model citizens; well embedded into the community and community activities. These positions are usually where their reputation and community standing enables them to hide behind a facade. It would not cause anyone to even think the person could be capable of grooming or sexual abuse.
This role, or community involvement allows trust to be built in adult groups and as such even the most responsible parents drop their guard. The parent believes the person to be safe and so allow more and more access to their child.
They are incredibly nice people, paedophiles. In fact, like my uncle they would never do the wrong thing; butter would not melt in their mouth.
The problem is that this leads into the grooming of the parents and the false sense that they can be trusted.
Many of these offenders prefer the company of younger children over adults. Sadly it is because they know they have power over young children, which allows them to have a sense of control.
What are the signs of grooming?
There are some specific signs to be mindful of, but as every child is different so too are the ways in which they will be groomed.
1- Child may sneak time or try and be on their own with the groomer/predator. (especially in the online environment.)
2- The groomer makes time to spend with the child, intentional, one v one time where the groomer will listen and pay particular attention to the child.
3- Child may have gifts, money or small tokens. The child feels ‘special;’ special praise, and compliments are given, which may seem out of place, and even over the top. (This tends to be out of sight of any other persons).
4- In order to desensitize the child, the groomer may spend more time with the child when they are dressing, bathing or going to bed.
5- Accidental touching is certainly not off the cards. There were times I remember when I was going through the barbed wire fence or getting in the car and Uncle Bob would use that chance to touch me somewhere… oops. What it meant is that I got used to it. There may even be excessive hugging of the child.
6- Overt sexual jokes or talk- the aim to desensitize the child to sexual talk.
7- Rough play with the child, where being close is expected- i.e wrestling and perhaps inappropriate placement of a child with certain positions.
8- Be mindful of children sitting on laps… There are different ways to do this, and there will be a marked difference between how a predator will sit a child on their lap as opposed to someone who is not. i.e, is the child comfortable, what are their mannerisms? Are they squirming? Uncomfortable? Afraid? Are they being made to sit? Is there a blanket?
9- The child will relish the attention given and be upset when the groomer is not around. This could be as a protective measure out of fear, or a fear of someone infiltrating the world created by the groomer/predator.
10- This power the predator has over the child or the one being groomed can result in the child becoming particularly defensive about that person. Protective almost.
Unfortunately, paedophiles have really ruined genuine connection for wonderful fathers (in particular) and caring family members who enjoy spending time with their loved ones. An important thing my dad said after I had broken my silence was that he wasn’t sure how he should be around me and the other kids. There is a big difference to the love a genuine person gives to that of a paedophile. Again there is not any one particular thing that will tell you a child is being groomed or is a victim of sexual assault or child trauma, but there will be a combination of factors, such as the physical signs, psychological signs and even behavioural signs combined with the above behaviours that could lead you to believe something was ‘off’. You will know if you see it. You have to trust that your instincts are right, and back yourself.
Next blog: Strategies on how to avoid grooming behaviour, what you can do about it.
Much Love XO
Kel
Disclaimer:
Every situation is different and each situation has its own very complex circumstances. There are no hard and fast answers, what I say here is my experience- and my own opinion supported at times by research.
This stuff is not black and white. It just can’t be. What is black and white/ right and wrong is that Sexual Abuse and Sexual Violence is never ok, and it is never under any circumstances right.
What is grey is in fact terribly dark… That is the silence that sits surrounding this topic. The shame and absolute fear so heavily laden on the shoulders of victims that the mere thought of speaking brings crippling anxiety and fear.
Lets change that… together.
For further support you can click HERE:
If you are in immediate danger, please call 000 in Australia.
To report sexual abuse to police- please attend a Police Station or call 131444 for Policelink. (Australia)
To seek support or assistance you can contact me, www.kellyhumphries.com (I am a single entity who can offer advice, and personal coaching. I am not a psychologist or registered counsellor, but I am very approachable and happy to help.
You can contact the Centre for Sexual Violence at http://www.casv.org.au and download any of their brochures and information, and likewise Bravehearts– https://bravehearts.org.au/
For internet related advice please contact The Carly Ryan Foundation http://www.carlyryanfoundation.com
#SexualAbuse #GroomingStinks #UnscathedBeauty #YourQuestionsAnswered #Courage #AreYouInTune
Connection is the exception! You are never alone!
My heart and my passion is to see cycles broken and lives changed… Sometimes I get the incredible privilege to be asked to speak. I was honoured just this week, September 28th, 2017 to share at the WAVSS (Working Against Violence Support Service- Logan and Redlands) AGM Breakfast meeting as their guest speaker. WAAVS is a service primarily supporting families through Domestic and Family Violence.
My message among many; you are never alone and what pain we feel can be healed through the power of connection, as well as it be prevented. Did you know that someone has already kicked down the door? Someone has already ridden the rollercoaster? Never is the journey you walk one that hasn’t been travelled in some way by someone before you. Paths have crossed…and while your story is unique shared experiences and breaking through fear brings freedom. Domestic Violence like any other form of trauma is a cycle that needs to be broken and one where a victim (male or female) can feel afraid and isolated.
Many of us in our pain and the crisis in life leave us unable to see past what is happening directly in front of us. More often than not, we are blinded by the crisis and the deep emotions felt when the world deals one of its cruel blows. (It is also how people remain stuck in these spaces) This can last a moment… or sometimes years at a time depending on your experience or situation.
The power of connection provides a way for healing to begin… not just any connection, but a safe, trusted and understanding connection. This is why I love services like WAVSS and many like it… because they are passionate about what they do, and they, understand and believe the cycle needs to be broken.
So my encouragement is simple- make sure the people in your circle of influence are the people that you trust, that are safe, and can ride the waves with you. You are more than a label and you are never alone. #ReachOut #YouMatter
Thankyou to the team at WAVSS who work with victims and families of Domestic Violence and for allowing me to stand with you!
Much Love
Kel Xo
#NotAlone #KellyHumphries #UnscathedBeauty #MoreThanLabels #Wavss #KellyHumphriesSpeaker