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KH-Manager
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12 Survivor Tips To Survive Christmas

I had a survivor message me recently and ask, “Kel, do you like Christmas?”

I didn’t know how to respond except to say I have learnt to choose Joy even when it feels hard. Like life, our thoughts come in waves. Our memories come in waves and Christmas is one of those times that can be very lonely, difficult, and triggering. Sometimes it’s because we have lost loved ones, others because of painful memories and so much more.

In many ways I am grateful that I have made new memories. Water bomb fights, wrestles, camping, fishing… It seems to make the waves come less, my frown lines become laughter lines and I hold gratitude in my heart. I have worked stupidly hard on myself to find my smiles and joy, so when memories come that are tough, or people in my life make things hard, it feels personal, it feels lonely, it feels like we’re not seen.

So, I reset, take a deep breath, and choose to do the things I enjoy anyway. (Really, I just try not to have those people in my life) BUT we know that sometimes for the sake of family, and to keep the peace we keep those people around us.

SO… for survivors and their families, I have come up with 12 tips that might help through this time. I honestly believe no matter what you do, or where you are, Christmas is a time for gratitude. To be thankful for those we love, who care for us, and togetherness. Sometimes we don’t have those people and that is when we need to be brave, step out of our comfort zone and make new connections. It’s not easy, but no one said growth and healing was… but it sure is worth it. After all, we have had to survive for a long time… It really is your time now… time to connect, time to thrive… time to honour you!

My survival list for survivors and their families.

 

  • Know your limitations and boundaries and stick to them. If you don’t like going to your uncle’s house, maybe choose somewhere else. If you know seeing certain family members is going to cause problems, trigger you or upset you (it is a sign you need to do some healing) set a time frame, go to a neutral space, or get away.

 

  • Be kind to yourself. Christmas is hard enough. Show yourself grace and compassion. Enjoy the simple things.

 

  • Choose your people. Spend time with people who bring you joy. Not people who are going to be negative, make negative comments and drain your energy. It is hard enough already without allowing those people to steal your joy. You don’t have to spend time with anyone you don’t choose to spend it with. If they don’t respect your boundaries, they are not your people.

 

  • Learn to say what you need. If something is sitting wrong with you, you are uncomfortable, or don’t want to do something, be brave and speak up. Everyone wants to please everyone else at Christmas so we all go along with things. (note to the people pleasers) Sometimes that discomfort is a sign everyone needs a good chat, other times, it’s because there is a need and you need to address it.

 

  • Don’t drink when you’re emotional. If you know that your family don’t do well with alcohol, or you’re likely to fly off the handle, drink another time with people you trust.

 

  • Change your thinking. For many, Christmas is a time of triggering memories and flashbacks. (This requires healing) I encourage you to make a new memory. In your mind you may flash back to scenes. I challenge you when this happens remind yourself…1) I am safe. 2) I am making new memories. 3) (Name Perp) no longer holds power over me. Take a long deep breath… 4,3,2,1. DO SOMETHING ELSE. (Distraction) and focus on making that new memory- REALLY focus. Every time a though comes into your head. Refocus. LAUGH. Change what you are doing… BUT DO NOT LET THAT PERP HAVE ONE MORE SECOND OF YOUR JOY!

 

  • Spend time with kids! Their joy is infectious and if you find yourself forgetting your innocence, your joy and happiness, I promise you, you will find in in their beautiful faces. If you don’t have kids or you’re missing them this Christmas- find joy in the little things. Borrow joy from elsewhere and know that you are loved…

 

For supporters of survivors.

 

  • BE POSITIVE! It doesn’t matter if you are a survivor or not, Christmas is hard for everyone. Catch yourself out if your being negative. Christmas can be joyful… let it be.

 

  • LISTEN AND HEAR. There is a big difference between listening and hearing. I pray you will do both. We get ideas in our head and one family wants this, and other that. Every survivor story is different but find out what they need and respect those needs. If they don’t want to see certain family members… DON’T MAKE THEM. (Better still if you have never received a disclosure, and kids especially are afraid to see certain relatives, I would be asking WHY?)

 

  • Respect boundaries. If your loved one has set some boundaries (Kids and Adults alike) RESPECT THEM. Don’t make a survivor go back to the environment or place that hurt them. Don’t make them see people that hurt them. Don’t make them hug or speak to people who have hurt them… If your more interested in pleasing others in your family thinking “they’ll be right, it’s only a couple of hours… Just do it for the family… or “suck it up…”YOU are NOT a safe or supportive person. Respect the needs of your loved ones.

 

  • Be the one who stands by your survivor. Make new, beautiful, and fun memories. Encourage laughter, connection and SEE your survivor. Being SEEN, means being HEARD. Choose Joy. Choose Connection. Choose LOVE!

 

  • If it’s all too hard, try and have Christmas in May… or June… or July or whenever you want… really who said Christmas had to be in December?
/by
KH-Manager

40 Lessons in 40 Years!

I HAVE A GIFT FOR YOU! 

40 fabulous lessons in life in no particular order. Why? Because it’s my 40th Birthday and I am reflecting on how I have survived, and how I have lived!

I have been through a great deal and I have learnt so much… and much more to come no doubt.

Thank you for all the wonderful birthday wishes so far!

I was very unhappy about turning 40. Like I got really sad- as if I can stop it lol.(Am I the only one who had a freak out at 40?)

I just feel like there is SO much to do and I have these expectations about what I feel I should  have accomplished by now… and still haven’t. So I have flipped my perspective.

I am grateful for everyone, every lesson and what I have achieved so far, SO there really isn’t anything to get sad about right?

There are other lessons too of the humorous kind I could write about too… like making sure you point the chisel away from you when chiselling… yeah that’s the kind of stuff I do. I have the scars to prove it!

I’ll save that blog for another day!

These are more about life- 40plus lessons for 40 years! My gift to you!

Which ones resonate with you?

  1. LEAD WITH LOVE! Always act with a heart of love in your conduct and attitude. The world will make a way. You will attract likeminded and compassionate people who will stand alongside you in life, in friendship, in love, in your drive and mission. In all things, lead first with love.
  2. Family is essential! Honour them. However or wherever you find them (blood or chosen) you need connection and love. Honour and respect them always. Even if they hurt you- you have a choice. You still have respect.
  3. You need safe spaces.  We all need a place to be ourselves. Where you can let your guard down and share your secrets. Cultivate safe spaces, and keep them safe for your safe people. You will build legacies, not just friendships.
  4. Your health is one of the most important things in life. Without your health, life is tough. It diminishes your capacity and steals your passion. (Also why family is essential)
  5. You are a vessel. If there are holes in the ship it sinks. Self-care is essential for longevity. If you want to do your thing, you can’t do it in a sinking ship. Honour your boundaries, honour yourself and what you need.
  6. First impressions last. Life is really busy, and people have a lot on their plate. Standing out means making sure you’re not forgotten- for the right reasons. Nothing solidifies that more than a first impression. (i.e. a great handshake)
  7. Consistency is key. People trust consistency. It breeds reliability. Be consistent and show up. Always.
  8. Kindness doesn’t cost anything. There is plenty to be upset about, but being kind is a choice. You can choose kindness over contempt.
  9. Be excellent always. You don’t have to be perfect. There is no such thing. But if you are trying, and work hard, give your best, go above and beyond – you will reap the rewards. Your reputation will precede you. You will be known because you seek the best in yourself and your work ethic.
  10. Grace is powerful – In all of its forms. But being courteous and polite will always bring favour. Have grace for yourself, and others.

  11. Persist Powerfully– Never Give up. It is how I survived, and how I continue. Persist Powerfully- with conviction, with decision, with fierceness. Like there is no plan B.
  12. You have a choice. Not easy, especially as a survivor, but standing up for yourself is powerful and it’s your right.  You have a choice in all things. whether you exercise the right to choice is up to you. Knowing you have one is another. You deserve a choice, and you can choose.
  13. Honour your boundaries– Let No mean No, and Yes mean Yes. Toxic people steal your joy. Invest in good people who love you and lift you, challenge and grow you. Compromising is great, but honour yourself, your boundaries and  your decisions.
  14. Honour your word to others- Integrity is key, and if your word can’t be trusted, neither can you.
  15. Honour your word to yourself– Lying to yourself only hides you from yourself.
  16. Let no person hold power over you– Life is short. I have for a long time allowed my past and my story to hold power over me because of the shame I felt. That shame belongs to the perpetrator.
  17. Pursue with passion– Is there another way? Whatever you do in life, do it with passion and purpose. If you can’t then it’s not your thing. Those who pursue the things that are not in their heart reap bitterness and resentment. It hurts everyone. Live your dreams. Your passion. Your purpose. Anything else is to deny your unique gift to this world.
  18. Embrace ALL of it. I have learnt to ALLOW myself to feel all of it. The hurt. The happiness, the shame, and grief and all of the emotions. I feel lots of things. It is all ok. I have had people try to tell me how I should feel, to shut it out, upshot away… Shutting it out, means shutting myself and everyone else out too. This is  your humanity. This is a gift. Feel all of it.
  19. We are all unique. Every person is different. The things that make us different are interesting and fun, and promotes innovation and diversity.
  20. We are not higher or lower than ANY human on this planet. This promotes humility- there is not ONE person above you, or below you. We are all equal. When you realise you are but one decision away from poverty, or your whole life changing you see how it all hangs in a delicate balance. Your significance is measured by the size of your heart.
  21. We are the same. We are unique, but we are human and ALL experience the same emotions and feelings- just sometimes in a different way. This is the nature of humanity.
  22. When life hands you lemons make cheesecake. Why not? Lemon cheesecake is delicious. You can’t change what happens in the world, only your place in it, your role, and you might as well eat cheesecake- right?
  23. You matter! Your voice matters. When you learn your value, the world takes on new meaning. We all matter and we all have a part to play.
  24. Honour your friendships, your community, your tribe. Treat your connections like family. Honour your boundaries, but those who you have a heart connection with a so valuable. You need them. They need you.
  25. NEVER go to bed angry. Anything can happen. Life can be given and taken so quickly. Don’t let the sun go down on your anger. Forgive quickly. Love fiercely. Give freely.  Don’t lose your love over Bitterness and resentment.
  26. You must honour the truth inside you OR it will eat away at you like a disease. The truth will and does eventually set you free. You have a story? You have a secret? I promise you, holding on to it is harder in the long run than keeping it held inside you. This goes for everything. Your identity, your past, your ideas, your rights and wrongs, morals and values.
  27. Let your words ALWAYS be loving and kind. I have heard so many regrets when people have lost loved ones tragically because they have fought. You can choose how you act. Let others choose their own path for that part is out of your control.
  28. Work Hard. The world owes you nothing, but hard work teaches you humility and patience. There is also something to be said about not being financially stressed. Being able to have what you need because you have learnt the value of hard work is a lesson on gratitude. You can’t always control the world around you but at least having the ability to support your tribe when things get hard, creates connection and community.
  29. Be Authentic. The world is full of fake people and it’s hard to find people you trust sometimes. Be a light. Be real. be the person who is reliable and trustworthy.
  30. Eat the cake. Enjoy life FFS. (In moderation) be happy, eat what you like, but do it in moderation. Do it with tribe and family.
  31. Take the time to learn about many things. Ask questions. I have lots of varied interests. It helps when you’re talking to people and you can connect in many circles. its a valuable tool.
  32. Meet people where they are at. We all have expectations of others, we all have thoughts and we all judge- that’s NOT what most people need. They want to be seen, loved and accepted exactly as they are and that is just fine. They think you don’t see them. Most people believe NO one can understand them or wants to. Be the person that allows people to be seen when they are with you.
  33. NEVER lose sight of the vision. I haven’t.  (Well I have tried not to) While it has taken a lifetime to get here, I am stepping into that vision I had at 12. Hold your image. Never forget what brings you joy and passion. Even if the path is wavering enjoy the journey and hold fast and persist powerfully.
  34. Be courageous. Be brave. It is hard to love after hurt. Hard to heal after harm. Hard to grow after grief and loss. But nothing is so hard as nothing. Be brave in your decisions. Push forward- be uncomfortable… every day. This is how you grow. This is how you heal. This is how you learn and unlearn.
  35. Be kind to yourself. We beat ourselves up so much. It only promotes self-loathing I promise you. Just be kind and compassionate towards yourself and others.  ALWAYS.
  36. It WILL be okay. It always seems so hard in the moment. The courage to hold on is hard. But you will ALWAYS get through it. You just have to decide and sometimes decide many times a day.
  37. Success is always about what you think it means. Life is ALL about perspective. What lens are you looking through? What are you comparing yourself to? Or Who? What is success today? Tomorrow? We are but a measure… of our own measures. How high are you setting the bar and whose bar are you setting?
  38. Are we there yet? We are always so impatient. On our phones, hiding from life. Rushing through life. WHAT ARE WE MISSING? What are you hiding from? When you are so BUSY, opportunities will come and go and you won’t see them. Life will come and go and you will miss it. PUT YOUR PHONE DOWN.
  39. Triggers are opportunities for triumph! We hide from what makes our heart race because it makes us uncomfortable. Living your best life means facing what ‘triggers’ us, learning ‘it’s’ lesson and then stepping into our growth.
  40. Your greatest pain, can be your greatest gift. I would never be grateful for my child abuse. What I am grateful for is that I have the tools available to me and I chose to do something with what has happened, and I can turn it into something powerful. I choose to leave a legacy I can be proud of. NOT one determined by someone else.
  41. LOVE IS LOVE. End of story. When you find a love that lifts you. Hold on to it.
  42. I don’t know anything! I have something to learn from everyone… even if it is that I should never take their advice again! lol
  43. Respect and heed the lessons of your parents, family, friends and love. There are many who love you enough to spend the time to share their lessons, life and learnings. While you don’t have to do it all, respect=listening. I am Grateful for the people in my life who take the time to honour what I need.

Like this? Tell me and maybe I’ll expand this and turn it into an ebook for you! With love and gratitude, Thank you all for your continued support and love!

Kel xo

/by
KH-Manager
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Hard Wired to Survive- 3 Reasons to Keep Your Brave On.

Hard wired to survive

A dear friend of mine recently said, to me after I come across yet another obstacle in my journey to getting my book published, she said, “Oh Kel, Why do we always have to constantly be so &**()^ brave?” I actually dismissed the answer at the time… I didn’t mean to, but it’s such a big question.

I want to address it now at least, part of it. The mere definition of Brave means,“…to be ready to face and endure danger and pain, while showing courage and without showing fear…”Cambridge English Dictionary

I’m not sure how to answer her question, but i’ll give it a go! Here are just three ideas out of my list I would like to share with you about the struggle to keep our head up!

1.We are Hard-Wired to Be Brave.

We talk about fear all the time like it is a bad thing. We talk about being strong for a long time like it’s a bad thing. We talk about being in and enduring pain, fatigue, loneliness, heartache and trauma like its all so terrible. Well yes it’s not nice, its not pleasant, and its certainly uncomfortable and at times quite tragic…But we seem to forget… we were born… so we could live. We were born so we could survive.

Our body has been gifted with certain things to help us. For example; our brain, body, physical strength, creativity, and emotions all make up our hard wiring. If we never had a difficult time in our life, our brain would have no idea how to conceptualise what it sees, how it responds and the kind of reaction it will have to something. Your brain is wired with an internal alarm system.  Too much stimulus could quite possibly make the hard wiring short circuit, and that is when other coping strategies step in… then we learn to survive.  Sometimes those circuits rewire and make new pathways. Your brain is amazing like that.

We were born to survive and we are hard wired to ‘get through stuff.’ It can be tiring… but its not all bad! Our brain was designed to deal with things that scare us…and to come up with solutions and solve the problems in front of us. That creates resilience. It creates character. It builds people. You can be brave, you were born with the wiring in you!

2. Being Brave Leads to Growth.

Challenging yourself when you feel afraid, allows you the chance to grow and learn. If you have a fear response to a certain stimulus, learning to recognise whether it as a good or bad thing is a learned response. Challenging those learnt responses is what will provide you the opportunity for growth, healing, and change. That is part of the battle. The other, is knowing you will be safe when you open the door to that fear. Knowing what will happen when you accept that challenge. Will you be okay? Can you control the outcome?

Sometimes the greatest opportunities for growth come when you are brave enough to stop assessing the risk and just do it anyway. You cannot control everything. But you can learn how to challenge your fear responses.

3. Being Brave Helps us Move Forward.

It’s easy to stay where it is safe. It is easy to say that I can’t do it. It is easy to stay where you know, where nothing can get you, harm you, and kill you. Moving forward is an unknown. Yet we all want something in this life and that means we have a decision to make.

Do we stay where it’s warm and comfortable… or do we set sail and make the most of the journey we have. By being brave, you give yourself the chance to have the life you dreamed about before whatever hurt you made you too afraid to go and get it.I’m trying right now NOT to let those things get in the way of what I do next. Don’t stay where you are too long… you might miss the chance.

Yes I know how it feels to be tired. For those who have an understanding of the bible you might be familiar with the word Long-suffering.  I’m not saying don’t be comfortable, but just don’t hide when it get UN-Comfortable.  Be brave enough to see why you feel that way, and challenge the feeling.

We live in a world where we want things to be done now… and that includes wanting the pain to go away, the anger, the hurt. They are there for a reason and teach us about ourselves. We must listen. It also teaches us that we believe in something, that we love, are loved and have value.

We are all on a journey. Just don’t miss the best parts of it by being too comfortable. Trust that you have what it takes and move forward in whatever circumstance you are in, knowing you are hard wired to survive, to be brave… and you have what it takes to learn and grow.

/by
KH-Manager
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What to do after its happened to you… or someone else. What to do after sexual assault or violence.

What to do after sexual assault or violence

IMG_0044I never want to think anything nasty would ever happen to anyone ever again… but then again we know that it’s just not possible. Sexual Violence can, and still happens more frequently than we know- in fact domestic violence and sexual assault occurs in ⅓ women and 1/6 men. Thats only what we know… and not what goes unreported.

I am someone who knows this and with a background of over 10 years in policing, I know that the stats are just a scratch on the surface of what is really happening. So it goes without saying that cultivating a safe space to talk about some of the hardest things imaginable, is essential. This includes workplaces, schools, families and individuals.

In giving you, or someone you know the best chance of recovery post incident, I have put together a few tips and things that I believe MAY help should anything like this happen (immediatley after an incident).

Tips- If something has happened to your child

  • Call Police or get help. Your child is a victim of a crime (make sure they are in a safe space to disclose)
  • Remain calm
  • Believe them
  • Make sure you are in a safe space to make an informed decision- if you don’t feel very informed, whether you decide to make a complaint or not you can seek advice from the support agencies and Police. You can find a few on my website at kellyhumphries.com
  • Understand that your responses are normal, but they may not always be helpful.
  • Don’t bathe or shower your child. As awful as it is, their clothes and body contain vital evidence for Police.
  • Speak from a heart of love and concern. Provide reassurance, reassurance and more reassurance. By knowing what your child needs, you will know the appropriate response… love your child and be patient with yourself and their emotions. Remind them that they are loved and valuable. ENSURE that if you are angry, you tell them that it is not because of them, but at the situation. That they have done nothing wrong.
  • Do not blame them (Trust me this happens, unfortunately)
  • Try not to ask too many questions until after police have spoken to them. Your questioning may contaminate evidence. If you must ask, then ask open-ended questions… “tell me more about that…”
  • Get your child some form of support- as soon as possible.  Allow them the opportunity to speak freely and give them the choice to speak to a counsellor without you being there. In your protective nature you want to be present in everything.  There are some things that they will not want you to know. Allow them to take their own healing journey and to own their own story.
  • Get some support for yourself and your family as well in order to be the best support for your child that you can be.

If something has happened to you

    • Call Police or get help. You are a victim of crime.
    • Remain calm
    • Understand that your responses are normal, but they may not always be helpful. Be kind to yourself and patient.
    • Make sure you are in a safe space to make an informed decision- if you don’t feel very informed, whether you decide to make a complaint or not you can seek advice from the support agencies. You can find a few on my website at kellyhumphries.com
    • Don’t bathe or shower. Don’t douche. As awful as it is, your clothes contain vital evidence for Police.
    • Write down all you can to recall what happened. The location. The identity and description of the offender. Their car, their smell, whether they had facial hair or not. Their accent and any thing that is different about them.
    • You don’t need to involve police if you don’t wish to. But I highly recommend it. If you choose not to involve police, please take yourself to a medical facility for assistance and to get checked.
    • Ensure that you speak to someone. I left it a very long time to talk to someone and this in one of my biggest regrets. Don’t wait. When I say someone, I don’t just mean a friend. Talk to someone who specialises in sexual violence counselling support. There are certain things that occur in sexual violence scenarios and it is sometimes more helpful to have someone who deals with this frequently.

 

Remember you and your family are valuable. I hope nothing like this ever happens to anyone in your family- it is the reason I have written blogs about what signs (Physical, Psychological, Behavioural)  to look for, grooming patterns etc… in terms of preventing harm and sexual assault and violence occuring.

Even if you never have anything like this happen, make a decision that you can be someone who can stand up and help those who need it and be someone who breaks cycles and not perpetuates them. What I mean by this is, when something happens to someone around us, we have a choice. That is to believe them, validate their experience, reassure them that they are safe and show them love… or we can allow our emotions to rule us, and/or indifference and as a result it could really harm a persons ability to heal. Be a warrior for someone who is in the midst of crisis. You may just save their life.

Thank-you!

Much Love Kel XO

 

Disclaimer:

Every situation is different and each situation has its own very complex circumstances. There are no hard and fast answers, what I say here is my experience- and my own opinion supported at times by research.

This stuff is not black and white. It just can’t be. What is black and white/ right and wrong is that Sexual Abuse and Sexual Violence is never ok, and it is never under any circumstances right.

What is grey is in fact terribly dark… That is the silence that sits surrounding this topic. The shame and absolute fear so heavily laden on the shoulders of victims that the mere thought of speaking brings crippling anxiety and fear.

Lets change that… together.

For further support you can click HERE:

If you are in immediate danger, please call 000 in Australia. 

To report sexual abuse to police- please attend a Police Station or call 131444 for Policelink. (Australia)

To seek support or assistance you can contact me, www.kellyhumphries.com (I am a single entity who can offer advice, and personal coaching. I am not a psychologist or registered counsellor, but I am very approachable and happy to help. 

You can contact the Centre for Sexual Violence at http://www.casv.org.au and download any of their brochures and information, and likewise Bravehearts– https://bravehearts.org.au/

For internet related advice please contact The Carly Ryan Foundation http://www.carlyryanfoundation.com

 

/by
KH-Manager
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The Hideous Deception- Sexual Violence Defined…

What is IT? Sexual Abuse defined; but with a difference…

What is Sexual Abuse and Sexual Violence?

Well… I’m so glad you asked… and you did- thankyou. It goes without saying that we should get a few things straight if we are going to delve into sexual abuse and sexual violence and try to understand how and what to do when these awful things turn up in life. Makes sense to get the foundations right- right?

For Blog 1 What is sexual Violence

Before I start- if you are reading my blog for the first time, you can find a bit more about what I am doing, and who I am by clicking HERE. It is my heart to break cycles of Child trauma and abuse through education, empowerment, understanding and creating transformation. Why? Because every victim is one too many- it happened to me and if I can stop it happening to just one other child, or family, then I have done something good. One step at a time, one day at a time, together we can make a difference…

There are many areas to consider when trying to define sexual violence and abuse- so it is actually a little bit difficult to give a clear cut answer- but hey I’ll try.

There are many avenues of violation that can occur and it is for that reason some people, organisations and certain areas of governments may place sexual abuse and assault under the banner of Sexual Violence– to make it easier.

The scope of sexual violence can stretch to include child pornography, making Child Exploitation Material (that is existing both in the home and in an online space), Incest, Rape, or any sexual act, innuendo or the like committed against any person (Adult or Child) without consent.

Additionally, we cannot forget Internet crimes which account for a large percentage of the statistics, whether it be a initial online meeting – followed up by meeting in person to conduct a sexual act, showing of images which include pornography or demanding a child perform sexual acts over the internet, or grooming (to name a few). For our teens, a majority of our young people think that sending a nude pic over their phone or being made to send a nude pic is now a ‘normal’ element of dating- or even an expectation if you are going to ‘go out’ with someone.

There are teens (and even adults) whose ideas of healthy relationships involve violent sex and raping a girl or on the odd occasion a girl forcing a guy because of what they see online. The victims, both male and female are either uninformed or too afraid to report what is happening. I want to make sure we know that none of this is okay!

On the more extreme side of this are things there are horrific stories of sex trafficking, child pornography rings, human trafficking and sex slavery. These are all real issues and have or do occur at some level in Australia and across the world. (topic for another day!) Essentially, Sexual Violence itself is very broad and essentially can be covered in one sentence- Sexual Violence is basically anything of a sexual nature where consent cannot be given, or is not given.

Defined: So while the term is very broad- If we want to get technical about Sexual Violence there is a great definition in the Miller-Keane Encyclopedia and Dictionary of Medicine, Nursing and Allied Health…

“Sexual Abuse any act of a sexual nature performed in a criminal manner, as with a child or with a non-consenting adult, including rape, incest, oral copulation, and penetration of genital or anal opening with a foreign object. The term also includes lewd or lascivious acts with a child; any sexual act that could be expected to trouble or offend another person when done by someone motivated by sexual interest; acts related to sexual exploitation, such as those related to pornography, prostitution involving minors, or coercion of minors to perform obscene acts.” {Including over the internet}

Each one of these individual areas which make up sexual violence, i.e. Rape have their own individual criteria, which explained, are all very different. If you think it would be helpful; I can certainly write about each one for you, please send me a message or make a comment below about what you want to learn and I will do my best.

Basically the thing that needs to be understood is CONSENT. U16- no consent can be given. If you want a really clear-cut understanding of consent you should check out this small 2-minute YouTube clip, which talks about consent. You can check it out HERE. The feedback I have received around the issue of consent is very blurry and can sometimes leave people getting into a great deal of trouble because they do not understand consent.

Putting it simply- a child under the age of 12 (in Australia) cannot give consent- ever. A child between the ages of 12-16 cannot give consent either, however, some consideration could be given if perhaps one party was 17 and the other was 15; if the older party was of the belief that the ‘victim’ was 16.

Regardless, if something was happening and there was sexual behaviour occurring between two ‘consenting’ 15 year olds, it is possible that both could be investigated. Each case reported to police will be assessed individually.

Because I have some creative juices flowing- I threw this little poem together which perhaps will give you a unique insight as to what sexual abuse and violence sounds like. This is of course based on my own experience.

The Hideous Deception

 

It does sound kinda yuck, in fact yuck it kinda sounds
I don’t like it when you talk about it,
Makes me wanna frown.
It makes me angry, makes me sad,
Makes me wanna cry,
It really is the very thing that makes me wanna die.
It is forced and not consensual,
Nothing about “this sex’ is sensual,
Reminds me of the numb I feel.
The years of abuse, the raw deal.
Exploited, thwarted, cavorted and played.
Groomed, pruned and broke.
Nothing could have prepared me,
For the cunning words you spoke.
Coercion, distortion, things out of proportion,
Extortion, repulsion- it’s Rape…
Confusion, delusion, hate;
I wish I had understood the hideous transgression,
Makes me feel kinda bent,
Like my innocence, I’m not your possession,
Thank God, for my own inception.
I found my strength to conquer this hideous deception.
 
Kelly Humphries – 2017

 

While that is an individual expression of what Sexual Violence may be to one person, the effects of any sexual offence and personal violation of any kind can be far reaching.

If you are someone who has read this and feels that they have had an offence occur IMG_0044against them of a sexual nature, please get some support. You can find support links HERE. I would encourage you to connect with people who will understand your situation, and can provide appropriate advice. I would also encourage you to speak to Police, make a report and get advice. (more on this in future blogs)

Take care and stay safe!

 

Much Love

Kel XO

 

 

 

 

#KellyHumphriesSpeaker #YourQuestionsAnswered #Resilience #HideousDeception #BreakTheCycle #Purpose #UnscathedBeauty #SexualAbuse #SexualViolence #KelsPoems #KellyHumphries

 

 

 

Disclaimer:

Every situation is different and each situation has its own very complex circumstances. There are no hard and fast answers, what I say here is my experience- and my own opinion supported at times by research.

This stuff is not black and white. It just can’t be. What is black and white/ right and wrong is that Sexual Abuse and Sexual Violence is never ok, and it is never under any circumstances right.

What is grey is in fact terribly dark… That is the silence that sits surrounding this topic. The shame and absolute fear so heavily laden on the shoulders of victims that the mere thought of speaking brings crippling anxiety and fear.

Lets change that… together. #LetsMakeChange

 

 

If you are in immediate danger, please call 000 in Australia.

To report sexual abuse to police- please attend a Police Station or call 131444 for Policelink. (Australia)

To seek support or assistance you can contact me, www.kellyhumphries.com (I am a single entity who can offer advice, and personal coaching. I am not a psychologist or registered counsellor, but I am very approachable and happy to help.

You can contact the Centre for Sexual Violence at http://www.casv.org.au and download any of their brochures and information, and likewise Bravehearts- https://bravehearts.org.au/

For internet related advice please contact The Carly Ryan Foundation http://www.carlyryanfoundation.com

 

Reference:

Miller-Keane Encyclopedia and Dictionary of Medicine, Nursing, and Allied Health, Seventh Edition. © 2003 by Saunders, an imprint of Elsevier, Inc. [online] Available at: http://medical-dictionary.thefreedictionary.com/sexual+abuse [10/04/2017]

Special Thanks to Katrina Weeks- Centre for Sexual Violence Logan for her collaboration.

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KH-Manager
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Do you want to know how to prevent sexual abuse? You asked… and I am responding.

FOR BLOG Intro Sexual Abuse Series.jpeg

Some time ago I put up a Facebook post asking people what they wanted to know when it comes to sexual abuse, assault and child trauma. I believe I am qualified to answer most of the questions posed to me- I was a victim myself, for a period of 8 years my Uncle took it upon himself to sexually abuse me. He groomed me, he groomed my family and now- I am trying to do something so our families, friends and communities are safer. What am I doing? I am sharing my story, being a voice, encouraging, connecting, writing and anything else that brings this topic out of the shadows. I speak for those who cannot, and I am a voice, to give hope…hopefully, and bring light into this dark space. I am learning, and I am growing.

I have had 10 years of frontline policing work with a significant amount of time working with young people. I have a degree in psychology, and health and fitness. I have been an athlete for over 27 years, and now I am a certified Results Coach and John Maxwell Team Coach.

While I may not have all the technical terms, what I will share with you over the coming weeks and months will be as real as I can be. The way I see it, for the everyday person we rarely know where to look to find the answers to these profound questions. Questions like, ‘How do I know if my child is being groomed? What do I look for to see if my child is being sexually abused? How can I forgive them, the perpetrator for what happened? Is this my fault? Why did this happen? Why do paedophiles offend?

We are afraid of the answers, we are afraid of the truth; let’s face it- some of us are afraid of the questions at all. I was afraid of the answers too, and it wasn’t until I wrote my book- to be published this year #UnscathedBeauty that I realised how much I had been hiding, not only from the world, but from myself.

We can so easily find ourselves caught between morals and societal expectations around whether this thing called Sexual abuse, or rape or any kind of sexual anything should be spoken about, or even if it’s ‘proper’ to ask. The courage and strength it takes to go through this journey (However that looks) is exceptionally hard to find, but once you know how, it can be done and you will realise; parent, friend, supporter, or whoever you are on this journey that you really do have what it takes.

I know how hard it is… even though many may see me as a tough, strong woman… I can be afraid. Fear can take over… and sometimes I am not tough at all. I don’t feel that strength and I have to dig way deep into the recesses of my mind and find those slivers of courage- and it’s because these fears don’t go away… the fear of judgement, the fear of speaking at all. There is always something that lingers… but we just get better at talking and coping, and it gets easier. It gets easier when people connect, collaborate and validate. I have learnt that I am okay, I can talk, I can speak and I can write… though that wasn’t always true.

Now it is. If you want to join me on my journey- if you want to know the answers. Then connect with me. Like my Facebook Page, collaborate with me-and lets change how this whole space looks. Get brave with me! I am asking you to please share this blog, get people to follow along. You can also follow through Facebook or Twitter.

We can make a difference. You can make a difference.

#KellyHumphriesSpeaker. #UnscathedBeauty #BreakTheCycle #SayNo

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Who is Kelly Humphries?

Kelly Humphries is a survivor of child sexual abuse, a law enforcement officer, ambassador, author, and advocate. Kel is extremely passionate about breaking cycles of abuse through multiple platforms. Learn more

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