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I HAVE A GIFT FOR YOU! 

40 fabulous lessons in life in no particular order. Why? Because it’s my 40th Birthday and I am reflecting on how I have survived, and how I have lived!

I have been through a great deal and I have learnt so much… and much more to come no doubt.

Thank you for all the wonderful birthday wishes so far!

I was very unhappy about turning 40. Like I got really sad- as if I can stop it lol.(Am I the only one who had a freak out at 40?)

I just feel like there is SO much to do and I have these expectations about what I feel I should  have accomplished by now… and still haven’t. So I have flipped my perspective.

I am grateful for everyone, every lesson and what I have achieved so far, SO there really isn’t anything to get sad about right?

There are other lessons too of the humorous kind I could write about too… like making sure you point the chisel away from you when chiselling… yeah that’s the kind of stuff I do. I have the scars to prove it!

I’ll save that blog for another day!

These are more about life- 40plus lessons for 40 years! My gift to you!

Which ones resonate with you?

  1. LEAD WITH LOVE! Always act with a heart of love in your conduct and attitude. The world will make a way. You will attract likeminded and compassionate people who will stand alongside you in life, in friendship, in love, in your drive and mission. In all things, lead first with love.
  2. Family is essential! Honour them. However or wherever you find them (blood or chosen) you need connection and love. Honour and respect them always. Even if they hurt you- you have a choice. You still have respect.
  3. You need safe spaces.  We all need a place to be ourselves. Where you can let your guard down and share your secrets. Cultivate safe spaces, and keep them safe for your safe people. You will build legacies, not just friendships.
  4. Your health is one of the most important things in life. Without your health, life is tough. It diminishes your capacity and steals your passion. (Also why family is essential)
  5. You are a vessel. If there are holes in the ship it sinks. Self-care is essential for longevity. If you want to do your thing, you can’t do it in a sinking ship. Honour your boundaries, honour yourself and what you need.
  6. First impressions last. Life is really busy, and people have a lot on their plate. Standing out means making sure you’re not forgotten- for the right reasons. Nothing solidifies that more than a first impression. (i.e. a great handshake)
  7. Consistency is key. People trust consistency. It breeds reliability. Be consistent and show up. Always.
  8. Kindness doesn’t cost anything. There is plenty to be upset about, but being kind is a choice. You can choose kindness over contempt.
  9. Be excellent always. You don’t have to be perfect. There is no such thing. But if you are trying, and work hard, give your best, go above and beyond – you will reap the rewards. Your reputation will precede you. You will be known because you seek the best in yourself and your work ethic.
  10. Grace is powerful – In all of its forms. But being courteous and polite will always bring favour. Have grace for yourself, and others.

  11. Persist Powerfully– Never Give up. It is how I survived, and how I continue. Persist Powerfully- with conviction, with decision, with fierceness. Like there is no plan B.
  12. You have a choice. Not easy, especially as a survivor, but standing up for yourself is powerful and it’s your right.  You have a choice in all things. whether you exercise the right to choice is up to you. Knowing you have one is another. You deserve a choice, and you can choose.
  13. Honour your boundaries– Let No mean No, and Yes mean Yes. Toxic people steal your joy. Invest in good people who love you and lift you, challenge and grow you. Compromising is great, but honour yourself, your boundaries and  your decisions.
  14. Honour your word to others- Integrity is key, and if your word can’t be trusted, neither can you.
  15. Honour your word to yourself– Lying to yourself only hides you from yourself.
  16. Let no person hold power over you– Life is short. I have for a long time allowed my past and my story to hold power over me because of the shame I felt. That shame belongs to the perpetrator.
  17. Pursue with passion– Is there another way? Whatever you do in life, do it with passion and purpose. If you can’t then it’s not your thing. Those who pursue the things that are not in their heart reap bitterness and resentment. It hurts everyone. Live your dreams. Your passion. Your purpose. Anything else is to deny your unique gift to this world.
  18. Embrace ALL of it. I have learnt to ALLOW myself to feel all of it. The hurt. The happiness, the shame, and grief and all of the emotions. I feel lots of things. It is all ok. I have had people try to tell me how I should feel, to shut it out, upshot away… Shutting it out, means shutting myself and everyone else out too. This is  your humanity. This is a gift. Feel all of it.
  19. We are all unique. Every person is different. The things that make us different are interesting and fun, and promotes innovation and diversity.
  20. We are not higher or lower than ANY human on this planet. This promotes humility- there is not ONE person above you, or below you. We are all equal. When you realise you are but one decision away from poverty, or your whole life changing you see how it all hangs in a delicate balance. Your significance is measured by the size of your heart.
  21. We are the same. We are unique, but we are human and ALL experience the same emotions and feelings- just sometimes in a different way. This is the nature of humanity.
  22. When life hands you lemons make cheesecake. Why not? Lemon cheesecake is delicious. You can’t change what happens in the world, only your place in it, your role, and you might as well eat cheesecake- right?
  23. You matter! Your voice matters. When you learn your value, the world takes on new meaning. We all matter and we all have a part to play.
  24. Honour your friendships, your community, your tribe. Treat your connections like family. Honour your boundaries, but those who you have a heart connection with a so valuable. You need them. They need you.
  25. NEVER go to bed angry. Anything can happen. Life can be given and taken so quickly. Don’t let the sun go down on your anger. Forgive quickly. Love fiercely. Give freely.  Don’t lose your love over Bitterness and resentment.
  26. You must honour the truth inside you OR it will eat away at you like a disease. The truth will and does eventually set you free. You have a story? You have a secret? I promise you, holding on to it is harder in the long run than keeping it held inside you. This goes for everything. Your identity, your past, your ideas, your rights and wrongs, morals and values.
  27. Let your words ALWAYS be loving and kind. I have heard so many regrets when people have lost loved ones tragically because they have fought. You can choose how you act. Let others choose their own path for that part is out of your control.
  28. Work Hard. The world owes you nothing, but hard work teaches you humility and patience. There is also something to be said about not being financially stressed. Being able to have what you need because you have learnt the value of hard work is a lesson on gratitude. You can’t always control the world around you but at least having the ability to support your tribe when things get hard, creates connection and community.
  29. Be Authentic. The world is full of fake people and it’s hard to find people you trust sometimes. Be a light. Be real. be the person who is reliable and trustworthy.
  30. Eat the cake. Enjoy life FFS. (In moderation) be happy, eat what you like, but do it in moderation. Do it with tribe and family.
  31. Take the time to learn about many things. Ask questions. I have lots of varied interests. It helps when you’re talking to people and you can connect in many circles. its a valuable tool.
  32. Meet people where they are at. We all have expectations of others, we all have thoughts and we all judge- that’s NOT what most people need. They want to be seen, loved and accepted exactly as they are and that is just fine. They think you don’t see them. Most people believe NO one can understand them or wants to. Be the person that allows people to be seen when they are with you.
  33. NEVER lose sight of the vision. I haven’t.  (Well I have tried not to) While it has taken a lifetime to get here, I am stepping into that vision I had at 12. Hold your image. Never forget what brings you joy and passion. Even if the path is wavering enjoy the journey and hold fast and persist powerfully.
  34. Be courageous. Be brave. It is hard to love after hurt. Hard to heal after harm. Hard to grow after grief and loss. But nothing is so hard as nothing. Be brave in your decisions. Push forward- be uncomfortable… every day. This is how you grow. This is how you heal. This is how you learn and unlearn.
  35. Be kind to yourself. We beat ourselves up so much. It only promotes self-loathing I promise you. Just be kind and compassionate towards yourself and others.  ALWAYS.
  36. It WILL be okay. It always seems so hard in the moment. The courage to hold on is hard. But you will ALWAYS get through it. You just have to decide and sometimes decide many times a day.
  37. Success is always about what you think it means. Life is ALL about perspective. What lens are you looking through? What are you comparing yourself to? Or Who? What is success today? Tomorrow? We are but a measure… of our own measures. How high are you setting the bar and whose bar are you setting?
  38. Are we there yet? We are always so impatient. On our phones, hiding from life. Rushing through life. WHAT ARE WE MISSING? What are you hiding from? When you are so BUSY, opportunities will come and go and you won’t see them. Life will come and go and you will miss it. PUT YOUR PHONE DOWN.
  39. Triggers are opportunities for triumph! We hide from what makes our heart race because it makes us uncomfortable. Living your best life means facing what ‘triggers’ us, learning ‘it’s’ lesson and then stepping into our growth.
  40. Your greatest pain, can be your greatest gift. I would never be grateful for my child abuse. What I am grateful for is that I have the tools available to me and I chose to do something with what has happened, and I can turn it into something powerful. I choose to leave a legacy I can be proud of. NOT one determined by someone else.
  41. LOVE IS LOVE. End of story. When you find a love that lifts you. Hold on to it.
  42. I don’t know anything! I have something to learn from everyone… even if it is that I should never take their advice again! lol
  43. Respect and heed the lessons of your parents, family, friends and love. There are many who love you enough to spend the time to share their lessons, life and learnings. While you don’t have to do it all, respect=listening. I am Grateful for the people in my life who take the time to honour what I need.

Like this? Tell me and maybe I’ll expand this and turn it into an ebook for you! With love and gratitude, Thank you all for your continued support and love!

Kel xo

Grooming behaviour is targeted; there is no other way to say it. It is deliberate with an intention to engage a victim in sexual acts. If you check out my last blog; I talk about what grooming is as defined in the Criminal Code. Earlier, I also defined what a sexual act consisted of… 

But how does it begin? How does it happen and what are the signs? We are up to blog 7 of the “Your Questions Answered” Series. As an advocate for change and someone who wants to break cycles of abuse,  I believe is one of the most important things to know about how sexual abuse occurs.

Most groomers, (which can be anyone) have techniques they use to ‘trick’ and gain access to a vulnerable child. Only 20% of reported sexual offences have occurred where the victim has NOT known the offender. The majority of Sexual assaults occur when there is some relationship already.

SO, we definitely need to know how grooming occurs. More often than not, it is not an obvious display of trickery, but as subtle and unidentifiable as possible.

What kind of child does a predator typically target?

Unfortunately, Paedophiles are cunning… they are tricky and they exist in a space where manipulation is the way to an end goal. So they choose victims based on the vulnerability, neediness, and those that are more likely to please… The predator can use many tactics but the end goal is that the child will be too afraid to speak. How do you avoid your child being targeted? (Let’s cover that in the next blog)

What does Grooming look like; how does it happen? 

It looks like anything…! How long is a piece of string? Sometimes it is so hard to know what to look for but we can only try and create as much awareness around this as possible.

There are specific techniques paedophiles use, and they involve a great deal of patience on part of the predator including setting themselves up as model citizens; well embedded into the community and community activities. These positions are usually where their reputation and community standing enables them to hide behind a facade. It would not cause anyone to even think the person could be capable of grooming or sexual abuse.

This role, or community involvement allows trust to be built in adult groups and as such even the most responsible parents drop their guard. The parent believes the person to be safe and so allow more and more access to their child.

They are incredibly nice people, paedophiles. In fact, like my uncle they would never do the wrong thing; butter would not melt in their mouth.

The problem is that this leads into the grooming of the parents and the false sense that they can be trusted.

Many of these offenders prefer the company of younger children over adults. Sadly it is because they know they have power over young children, which allows them to have a sense of control.

What are the signs of grooming?

There are some specific signs to be mindful of, but as every child is different so too are the ways in which they will be groomed.

Unknown.jpegTypically…

1- Child may sneak time or try and be on their own with the groomer/predator. (especially in the online environment.)

2- The groomer makes time to spend with the child, intentional, one v one time where the groomer will listen and pay particular attention to the child.

3- Child may have gifts, money or small tokens. The child feels ‘special;’ special praise, and compliments are given, which may seem out of place, and even over the top. (This tends to be out of sight of any other persons).

4- In order to desensitize the child, the groomer may spend more time with the child when they are dressing, bathing or going to bed.

5- Accidental touching is certainly not off the cards. There were times I remember when I was going through the barbed wire fence or getting in the car and Uncle Bob would use that chance to touch me somewhere… oops. What it meant is that I got used to it. There may even be excessive hugging of the child.

6- Overt sexual jokes or talk- the aim to desensitize the child to sexual talk.

7- Rough play with the child, where being close is expected- i.e wrestling and perhaps inappropriate placement of a child with certain positions.

8- Be mindful of children sitting on laps… There are different ways to do this, and there will be a marked difference between how a predator will sit a child on their lap as opposed to someone who is not. i.e, is the child comfortable, what are their mannerisms? Are they squirming? Uncomfortable? Afraid? Are they being made to sit? Is there a blanket?

9- The child will relish the attention given and be upset when the groomer is not around. This could be as a protective measure out of fear, or a fear of someone infiltrating the world created by the groomer/predator.

10- This power the predator has over the child or the one being groomed can result in the child becoming particularly defensive about that person. Protective almost.

Unfortunately, paedophiles have really ruined genuine connection for wonderful fathers (in particular) and caring family members who enjoy spending time with their loved ones. An important thing my dad said after I had broken my silence was that he wasn’t sure how he should be around me and the other kids. There is a big difference to the love a genuine person gives to that of a paedophile.  Again there is not any one particular thing that will tell you a child is being groomed or is a victim of sexual assault or child trauma, but there will be a combination of factors, such as the physical signs, psychological signs and even behavioural signs combined with the above behaviours that could lead you to believe something was ‘off’. You will know if you see it. You have to trust that your instincts are right, and back yourself.

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Next blog: Strategies on how to avoid grooming behaviour, what you can do about it.

 

Much Love XO

Kel

Disclaimer:

Every situation is different and each situation has its own very complex circumstances. There are no hard and fast answers, what I say here is my experience- and my own opinion supported at times by research.

This stuff is not black and white. It just can’t be. What is black and white/ right and wrong is that Sexual Abuse and Sexual Violence is never ok, and it is never under any circumstances right.

What is grey is in fact terribly dark… That is the silence that sits surrounding this topic. The shame and absolute fear so heavily laden on the shoulders of victims that the mere thought of speaking brings crippling anxiety and fear.

Lets change that… together.

For further support you can click HERE:

If you are in immediate danger, please call 000 in Australia. 

To report sexual abuse to police- please attend a Police Station or call 131444 for Policelink. (Australia)

To seek support or assistance you can contact me, www.kellyhumphries.com (I am a single entity who can offer advice, and personal coaching. I am not a psychologist or registered counsellor, but I am very approachable and happy to help. 

You can contact the Centre for Sexual Violence at http://www.casv.org.au and download any of their brochures and information, and likewise Bravehearts– https://bravehearts.org.au/

For internet related advice please contact The Carly Ryan Foundation http://www.carlyryanfoundation.com

#SexualAbuse #GroomingStinks #UnscathedBeauty #YourQuestionsAnswered #Courage #AreYouInTune

Psychological signs

Let’s face it; talking about Sexual Abuse is tough… it’s tough because we don’t talk about it like we should. It certainly isn’t a topic that comes up at a Sunday lunch and for as long as I have known, it has been thought of as this insidious taboo issue, which is better, kept where it belongs…”a secret.”

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We nobly beckon others to speak up, be brave and then when a survivor breaks their silence the support wavers, the system can crumble and a survivor feels as alone as they did while they held tight their secret… I know… I held it tight for a long time. Any wonder that the pain, shame and darkness around sexual abuse manifests in so many unusual and yet understandable ways.

We have become braver… stronger… more informed and with that we have better systems, more understanding and indeed are making waves when it comes to sexual abuse. But, sadly we have such a long way to go.

So in this blog 4, of my series, “Your Questions Answered” I am going to highlight the psychological signs of sexual abuse. Sexual abuse is defined broadly… and as I have mentioned in previous blogs, these signs are generally comorbid (more than one) and will occur concurrently with behavioural and physical signs of abuse.

Most psychological conditions could be indicators for other problems a person may face, but if you have read my blogs on the Physical and Behavioural traits of someone experiencing sexual abuse, then you can start to draw some fairly solid conclusions about what is happening and going on for a young person or even an adult… bear in mind this is an overview and while it is a long read- if I were to delve into these in depth I might as well write another book.

So here are the most significant psychological factors that may indicate trauma is occurring.

Psychological signs

 Depression: It was never going to be easy to deal with abuse, now a survivor battles with their self worth, their feelings of guilt, shame, sexuality, where they fit in their family, their safety and means of survival. They lose sleep, are constantly told lies by the predator in their midst and made or groomed to perform sexual acts that can only serve to violate the personal boundaries and leave them feeling isolated, alone and depressed. Depression is feelings of hopelessness, comes with insomnia, inability to concentrate, fear of losing control, restlessness, lack of pleasure in life activities, and significant weight loss or gain. (to name a few)

 Anxiety: Anxiety develops over time, and can turn into more debilitating illnesses and social phobias. It stems from feeling unsafe, uncertain and watching for the cues of their predator. My belief is that Anxiety starts with heightened arousal- that is heightened biochemical arousal in the brain… the part of the brain that sends the warning signals that it is safe, or not safe. Sometimes it gets a little confused and the brain doesn’t always know what is safe or not

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and that is where I believe that other significant issues occur. The longer someone remains silent, the more at risk they can be from anxiety. This is usually found in close association with Depression or the next topic of PTSD. Sweating, phobias, dizziness, chest pain, fear of dying, palpitations, chills and hot flushes. Untreated, and without support this can be crippling.

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)/Complex PTSD: After being involved with a major negative life event or ongoing issue (Such as ongoing child sexual or physical abuse) a victim can experience PTSD. If it continues over a long period of time it can be called Complex PTSD. As with Anxiety, it is a state of being hyper aroused (Hyper vigilant), or conversely feeling depr

essed, isolating yourself from events that may remind you of ‘the incident/s’, reliving the event (flashbacks), and other life issues. A person may also experience uncontrollable crying, rages, sleep disorders, high-risk behaviours, shame, guilt and blame. This is something that can develop in teenagers and even children who have experienced child abuse. In teenagers this exhibits in the reckless behaviour you sometimes see, truancy, substance abuse, and disengagement. It can come out in nightmares, drawings and play…

 Disassociation: This is one I am very familiar with… and I liken this to watching the world as if watching a movie. It is the ability for a victim to almost physically remove themselves from their body… numb, withdraw, vague out, or anything that removes them emotionally from the situation when it becomes too difficult. Sometimes the person may not remember important information, in some cases as below; new identities are formed like personality disorders. A person who has experienced significant trauma, can at times minimize the physical feelings they experience also.

Personality Disorders: This is not a common one, but in extreme cases of child abuse, and child trauma a victim can develop a personality disorder. My personal belief is that this stems from the paranoia a victim feels and then as it is left untreated develops into a much bigger problem of personality disorder. The paranoia comes from the violation of personal space and hyper vigilance a victim will experience (Among other things). Depending on the circumstances will depend on the type of personality disorder that can present. i.e Paranoid Personality Disorder: extreme distrust and suspicion of others. Borderline Personality Disorder: instability with interpersonal relationships, self-image, and lack of control over impulses.

 Attachment Issues: Attachment issues, just simply means that the victim cannot form lasting relationships with people, especially in terms of intimate relationships. Sometimes they struggle to be affectionate to others. It stems from the trust of the individual being damaged or broken, boundaries being violated and the person not feeling safe. This happens early on in development and from what I have learnt, the emotions that were meant to develop in the brain during childhood are significantly impaired as a result of the abuse, and so patterns of behaviour are changed as a result. It could be that this person may fail to show remorse for things, have difficulty learning, and decreased social awareness.

 Addictions: Addictions could be addictions to anything- but specifically, drugs, alcohol or anything that ‘numbs or provides a route for escapism.’ Most of the time, a victim cannot sit still with themselves, well, this is what I have found in my experience. Before writing my book #UnscathedBeauty, I was not able to sit still with my pain… so I needed to do something to fill the gap, and that gap was alcohol for a time, and then it just became things. Projects, business and never stopping… facing my pain means I now have the freedom to sit with not only my own pain, but someone else’s.

Eating Disorders: This is usually about over or under eating…

ANOREXIA: (Self induced weight loss through starvation, not eating, and exercise)

BULIMIA: (Repeated bouts of over eating, binging and fear of gaining weight.)

Reasons why a child abuse, or victim of a sexual offence may do this is to possibly appear less attractive to the perpetrator, or perhaps it is a way to seek attention… like I have said before, a victim will try and communicate without saying the words… this can be like that…

Neurotic Reactions: Behaviour where a person engages in ritualistic and/or overt behaviours. Sometimes this is in order to alleviate anxiety, which is one of the biggest symptoms of Child trauma.

Withdrawal and Mistrust: Like anything, if something hurts once, it can continue to hurt… over and over again. Like a child who touches a hot stove, when it burns, we learn not to touch it again… something which happens to hurt, harm, confuse, scare, or take advantage of a child mostly results in the child pulling away and withdrawing… this is how they have learnt to survive and forms patterns well into adulthood.

 Suicidal Ideology: The belief that the world would be a better place without you. I believe this comes from the confines of silence and shame. The perpetual feelings of worthlessness and self loathing that leads to poor self esteem. Let me tell you… you are worth it, and if your reading this and you think that there is no way out for you…let me tell you there is, there is always a way- and it does get better.

Self-Harming Behaviour: As I mentioned in my last blog, self-harming can be as a result of feeling numb. Numbness that comes from withdrawal and disassociation… when someone cuts it is as if they can remember that they are still alive. They can also feel something with the pain and it releases some of what they are feeling inside. remember self harm can be cutting, but it can also be self injury… punching poles, head butting, throwing oneself on the ground etc.

As I stated earlier, this is just an overview, however after these past 4 blogs we should have a fairly good understanding of what to look for and how we can identify when something is out of place.

If you are struggling with any of these things, remember I can help you! If you need adviceIMG_0045 or support let me know or feel free to contact any of the below numbers for support.

Take care,

Much Love

Kel xo

 

Next Blog: Blog 5 of the “Your Questions Answered Series”-What is grooming?

To learn about what I am what I am up to click here. 

Disclaimer:

Every situation is different and each situation has its own very complex circumstances. There are no hard and fast answers, what I say here is my experience- and my own opinion supported at times by research.

This stuff is not black and white. It just can’t be. What is black and white/ right and wrong is that Sexual Abuse and Sexual Violence is never ok, and it is never under any circumstances right.

What is grey is in fact terribly dark… That is the silence that sits surrounding this topic. The shame and absolute fear so heavily laden on the shoulders of victims that the mere thought of speaking brings crippling anxiety and fear.

Lets change that… together.

 

For further support you can click HERE:

If you are in immediate danger, please call 000 in Australia. 

To report sexual abuse to police- please attend a Police Station or call 131444 for Policelink. (Australia)

To seek support or assistance you can contact me, www.kellyhumphries.com (I am a single entity who can offer advice, and personal coaching. I am not a psychologist or registered counsellor, but I am very approachable and happy to help. 

You can contact the Centre for Sexual Violence at http://www.casv.org.au and download any of their brochures and information, and likewise Bravehearts– https://bravehearts.org.au/

For internet related advice please contact The Carly Ryan Foundation http://www.carlyryanfoundation.com

 

WARNING: content not appropriate for children under the age of 15 yrs, but hey- a contextually and age appropriate conversation with your children raising some awareness around this topic is always a good thing

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Your Questions Answered Series… Blog 3 – You asked and these are my answers. What am I doing? You can read about it here.

I have shared with you the definition and the scope of sexual violence (here is the LINK). I have also shared in my last blog the behavioural indicators of sexual abuse (LINK) and now this is a look at 12x physical signs of sexual abuse. Remember with anything- all of us have a duty to assess what we see and consider whether a child or anybody for that matter needs assistance. We should consider if what is occurring, what is seen and what is heard needs to be reported. If your not sure about something- ask more questions, it’s best if they are open ended and this allows for more communication to occur and there is less pressure on the victim).

Be brave; don’t be afraid to ask questions! Be afraid not to, because living with the guilt is much harder than saying I tried… Your questions may save a life, but be gentle… and be gently persistent, especially if you really do believe that something is happening. IMG_5726

I can tell you right now that this is a really tough series of blogs to put together, and if you are reading along, I want to acknowledge you for your willingness to be educated and informed. This blog is probably a little harder hitting than the other blogs, because this is the stuff that is hard to hear, hard to talk about and even harder to imagine. (Even hard to write!)

The thing is, this is the reality of it. This is what happens and as a parent, teacher, support worker, legal or medical professional or child-care worker or anyone who is around children and young people, this is what the physical signs of sexual abuse and violence include.

As I said in the Screaming Silence of Sexual abuse, these are not usually seen as a singular entity. If child abuse of any kind (physical, emotional or psychological) is occurring, it is usually displayed via a number of signs, symptoms and behavioural traits that indicate that something is ‘not right.’ That something may be explained by a few simple questions. i.e How are you doing? Are you feeling ok? I see that your not playing sport today, can you tell me whats happened? Remind the child that you are a safe person and encourage conversation.

Physical Signs of Sexual Abuse:

  • Burning sensations during urination and any bowel movements. (Caused by irritation, infection and or pain as a result of foreign bodies, or sexual penetration.)
  • Self-harm or cutting: (Coping response, but also as a result of a numbing, the victim- in order to feel something tends to cut. This is believed to release some emotion for the victim as well) It can also indicate other types of trauma.
  • Sleep disturbances and nightmares (In a state of anxiety, the victim will be experiencing hyper-vigilance. In my case, I waited up at night to see if he would come… I was looking over my shoulder and I was afraid of what would happen- very difficult to have a peaceful nights sleep)
  • Inserting objects and items into vagina or a boy ‘humping’ or mounting stuffed animals: and/or finding foreign items in genital or rectal areas. (Typically children display what they are taught. A child who knows no better – is simply mimicking what they have been shown. It is also to provide the same biological response, which sadly has been enforced on the child.)
  • Trauma to breasts, bottom, lower abdomen or thighs. (Especially if there is more than just ‘touching’ occurring- there will generally be evidence of trauma to the genital area (Can include bleeding in these areas) (can cause general discomfort and child not wishing to participate in physical activity at school)
  • Pregnancy(Let’s hope not, but this can and DOES happen)
  • Sexually transmitted diseases. (If a child they may begin to show signs of STI’s, possibly around their mouth, or genital areas especially if there was never any signs previously)
  • Unexplained wetting of pants and even soiling pants. (This is for several reasons… Possibly fear, potential infections in the area, at times to appear less attractive, and due to enlargement in the area as a result of trauma)
  • Abnormal enlargement of vaginal or rectal areas. (Forced trauma to these areas would result in stretching of the area)
  • The presence of semen/sperm. (for obvious reasons)
  • Ongoing infections in genital area– (especially young girls and having frequent Urinary Tract Infections.)
  • Stained or bloodied underwear.

Of all of the signs of sexual abuse and child trauma, while these are the most obvious, unless you are a parent or carer, or are in a position where you are seeing the child getting changed, or living in close proximity to the child, it is quite easy for these signs to go unnoticed. So other things to be aware of could be some of the following:

  • Child does not want to participate in sports or physical activity.
  • Child complains of pain in genital areas, or pain while going to the toilet.
  • Attempts made to cover legs and thighs.
  • Blood or semen in child’s underwear.

Please be a hero to a child suffering from any kind of abuse and report the matter. There is a genuine fear surrounding what we think we see, reporting the matter and subsequently having to go through the process. There are thought such as- What if I am wrong? What if I have to go to court? What if the parent comes after me? What if i do it wrong? 

Just ask… and if your not sure ask… and if you don’t know how… ask…! Better to ask, then to find out that you were right… something was happening and you could have saved them.

And if your wrong…. then so what? Be brave and speak up!

You can do it!

 

Much Love ,

Kel xo

Next Blog: Psychological Signs of Sexual Abuse.

Disclaimer:

Every situation is different and each situation has its own very complex circumstances. There are no hard and fast answers, what I say here is my experience- and my own opinion supported at times by research.

This stuff is not black and white. It just can’t be. What is black and white/ right and wrong is that Sexual Abuse and Sexual Violence is never ok, and it is never under any circumstances right.

What is grey is in fact terribly dark… That is the silence that sits surrounding this topic. The shame and absolute fear so heavily laden on the shoulders of victims that the mere thought of speaking brings crippling anxiety and fear.

Lets change that… together.

 

For further support you can click HERE:

If you are in immediate danger, please call 000 in Australia.

To report sexual abuse to police- please attend a Police Station or call 131444 for Policelink. (Australia)

To seek support or assistance you can contact me, www.kellyhumphries.com (I am a single entity who can offer advice, and personal coaching. I am not a psychologist or registered counsellor, but I am very approachable and happy to help.

You can contact the Centre for Sexual Violence at http://www.casv.org.au and download any of their brochures and information, and likewise Braveheartshttps://bravehearts.org.au/

For internet related advice please contact The Carly Ryan Foundation http://www.carlyryanfoundation.com

 

#ScreamingSilence #Author #KellyHumphries #KellyHumphriesSpeaker #UnscathedBeauty #Courage #Doyouevenknow #ScreamingSilence #Sexual Abuse

Awarded the QBANK Everyday Hero Award

Hiding blog 2

If only you had known the signs…right? Would you have still heard the cries? Maybe if you knew- you could see? These are your questions answered. 

The crazy thing about sexual abuse, child trauma or anything that exists in silence is the harsh reality that even in that cloak of silence, the desperate cries of a victim are always there- screaming loudly- right in front of us. Sometimes the scream is so subtle, we cannot hear a thing… but I promise you the victim is screaming, begging for help and desperately trying to be free from what is happening to them.

So how can you tell if sexual abuse is happening? What are the behavioural indicators that something is not right?

To break this up- I will create three separate blogs regarding the signs of Sexual Abuse. Why? Besides being extremely complex, there are more than just the signs to look for. So apologies in advance for the long reads, but I don’t believe it would be fair to anyone to who is suffering in silence to only give you a snippet. There are also the why’s behind a victims behaviour that are important to understand.  I hope to help you see some of them through this blog.

Remember, every situation is different, some behaviours are more ingrained than others, and sometimes, even if we look for the signs, they can be missed. Some indicators may also be symptomatic of other types of trauma and do not generally occur as a singular entity, but are usually coupled with other types of behaviours, and or conditions.

From what I know of my own experience (which you can find some information HERE) and many I have spoken to, a sexual abuse survivor in their desperate battle is ALWAYS willing someone to see, if only they don’t have to say it out loud, and if only they don’t have to feel that guilt and shame. They ache for those chains to be broken and someone to make it stop.

I know, I screamed as loud as I could and yet had no words. I felt like I had no power and I was completely ashamed of who I was and what was happening to me. I wanted to tell. I longed to utter the words to my parents… but I was crippled with fear… learnt from a well seasoned predator.

So how does a survivor or victim talk when they are not using their words? This is a fairly extensive look, but I wanted to cover as much as I could-and a little about the why!  This is of course not exhaustive either… So lets do this…

Let’s start with the behavioural signs of Sexual Abuse.

  • Withdrawal: (very common) – Victim becomes silent, recluse, non committing, clinginess in toddlers, regressive behaviour including bed wetting (when they normally wouldn’t) will either run from home (if things happen in the home or child feels unsafe) or will isolate themselves at home. (This all really depends on age)
  • Shower frequently: Often a victim of abuse will feel dirty and the feeling of having a shower will wash that feeling of shame away.  Sometimes even not showering at all…
  • Detailed and intrinsic understanding of sexual behaviour: A child who is being sexually abused is being exposed to any number of sexual activities, imagery, and grooming behaviour. It goes without saying that they would have a greater understanding of sexual type behaviour. They may also have new names for their private parts. Without getting too complicated, children should know the correct terminology for their anatomy- i.e. Penis and Vagina. The reason is because when giving any kind of evidence, or if they are ever in a position where they need to talk about what has happened to them, they can be very clear and concise about what’s occurred.
  • Sexual themes in drawings, play and conversations: There are many thoughts here. Children express emotions freely through creativity. Furthermore, children who are told to keep secrets need an avenue of expression, which can come out in play. It also comes back to the nature and nurture debate, and that the behaviour is learnt. How do they know to do this if they have not been taught? They may also exhibit signs of sexual abuse through mimicking sexual behaviour with stuffed animals.
  • Feelings of anger:
    • Delinquent behaviour- acting out or no regard for the laws and/or boundaries. Sometimes this is because they feel unvalued and unloved. It can be about attention, but also a child who experiences abuse often copes by becoming numb. Engaging in crime can produce an adrenaline response… then they feel something. Something is better than feeling nothing. This is also one of the reasons a victim may choose to cut.
    • Physically Violent- As above, but also as an expression of anger and emotion they don’t know how to displace. Depending on the abuse they receive it is possible that it is learnt, but more often than not, these victims are projecting an internal emotion.
    • Aggressive behaviour– Again, refer to the above. May also be a way to avoid the abuse… (In a very twisted way, I have had experiences where victims have been groomed in such a way that only good behaviour is rewarded, but to get the “good” thing, they need to do a certain act, being “naughty” or aggressive can mean that abuse is avoided, if the abuse is not then used as a punishment. In a round about way… a child cannot win and is mostly confused, angry, emotional and lives in a hyper-vigilant highly anxious state.
  • Change of eating habits: either refuses to eat, or over eats.
  • Nightmares and insomnia: the victim will most likely feel unsafe like going to sleep will expose them. It is also an indication of stress.
  • Suicidal/suicide ideation: This really belongs in psychological signs, however you can at times have a child who says they want to kill themselves as a means to attract the attention they need. Generally speaking this is a huge cry for help, but this can also become a huge part of how a child behaves… in a way that they want to die. (I don’t believe that this is very common- this is more of a Psychological thing where a child would actually be considering ways to kill themselves)
  • Imaginary friends: in children who have experienced significant trauma, a means of coping called disassociation can occur where a child can develop multiple personalities, or imaginary friends. You may see children chatting to themselves and not making a whole lot of sense. (This is obviously quite complex and is also a psychological sign, however still becomes quite a behavioural trait if occurring) (In later blogs I will explore coping strategies.)
  • Overly compliant behaviour: (people pleasing) young people who have been abused and exposed to ongoing long and protracted grooming behaviours are often overly helpful and pleasing. Probably the most difficult thing to spot or get a sense that something was off… as we would always love having an overly pleasing child, but it is very needy type behaviour you are looking for. A little more intimate, clingy and desperate. Your intuitions will show you and you will sense something is off. This is to avoid conflict, to keep the peace, and protect their safety bubble.
  • Drug and Alcohol use: not so much in the younger children but as a child gets older they may start to abuse substances in order to cope. This is also a mask for many traumas and undisclosed issues.
  • Prostitution and unexplained money or gifts that your child may be in possession of: depending on the nature of the abuse and what is actually occurring a child may get ‘gifts’ for sexual acts or in exchange for doing a sexual act. It may also be a progression towards a sexual act in the form of grooming. For Example, the child may be asked to take off their clothes and have their picture taken- all they have to do is pose and they get $50. It may seem harmless enough to the child, but this image is then used to make child exploitation material as a naked adult can then be edited into the image and sold. This is why you should be very mindful about what images you post of your child on FB or instagram etc.… they can be copied, and edited and your child or family member then exploited. Furthermore, depending on their age and location in the world, for some young people they are prostitutes and like adults in prostitution, trade money for sex.
  • Fear of adults- the same sex as the abuser: My mum noticed me recoil in fear one day as my Uncle was trying to help me into the car after I had been injured, I remember it clearly; however I didn’t know that anyone else had seen. Looking back now I know I was afraid of him and at times felt threatened by other men. I never knew then, as it was a very subconscious process. For a child experiencing abuse, this could be a complicated issue.
  • Fantasy world focus: unable to stay focussed: (A little like adhd) Child may be extremely detached from the real world and often appear disengaged.
  • Child does not want to go home: Child may indicate a preference to live elsewhere, and show obvious signs of trauma when required to go home.
  • Concentration difficulties: Child may be harder to engage and possibly have issues staying on task.
  • Poor relationships with peers: The child who is being abused already will be struggling with who they are and their purpose. Specifically, the child’s personality will undergo a makeover, after the initial sexual abuse encounter  everything is turned upside down and they feel very much alone. This self isolation, poor self esteem and general inability to concentrate, lack of boundaries, makes life very hard for a young victim.
  • Possible dressing as the opposite sex: There are a few thoughts around this – but it is a protective thing in the hope that it doesn’t happen anymore and victim may be less appealing to the abuser if they are the opposite sex. It may also be about appearing tougher, or smaller than they are as a statement of how they feel or to protect themselves. (bear in mind, that sexual abuse has very little to do with a persons disposition towards one sex or another)
  • Lack of boundaries: Kids who have experienced trauma tend to also experience a lack of boundary control. This could be walking into the shower while someone else is in there, taking clothes off in public, inappropriate touching of strangers, unhealthy attachment to other adults and even those they don’t know and;
  • Secretly hiding what they are doing online: Not openly sharing passwords, or information about who they are talking too. Be aware of any new names popping up who you don’t know and where it appears that details are being left out when your child talks about this person or is asked about this person. For more information on Internet and safe strategies online head to http://www.carlyryanfoundation.com.

The best way you can tell is making sure that you have an open and connected relationship with your child. Get to know what they do and don’t like, how they act and communicate. When they are not their ‘normal’ self, then you know something is not right. You are the closest person to your child.

Remember there is always help available. Don’t be afraid or ashamed to ask questions and report what has happened.

Take care and chat soon,

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Much Love,

Kel xo

 

 

To see the definition of sexual abuse and what that looks like click HERE:

NEXT BLOG: Physical Signs of Sexual Abuse.

Disclaimer:

Every situation is different and each situation has its own very complex circumstances. There are no hard and fast answers, what I say here is my experience- and my own opinion supported at times by research.

This stuff is not black and white. It just can’t be. What is black and white/ right and wrong is that Sexual Abuse and Sexual Violence is never ok, and it is never under any circumstances right.

What is grey is in fact terribly dark… That is the silence that sits surrounding this topic. The shame and absolute fear so heavily laden on the shoulders of victims that the mere thought of speaking brings crippling anxiety and fear.

Lets change that… together.

 

For further support you can click HERE:

If you are in immediate danger, please call 000 in Australia.

To report sexual abuse to police- please attend a Police Station or call 131444 for Policelink. (Australia)

To seek support or assistance you can contact me, www.kellyhumphries.com (I am a single entity who can offer advice, and personal coaching. I am not a psychologist or registered counsellor, but I am very approachable and happy to help.

You can contact the Centre for Sexual Violence at http://www.casv.org.au and download any of their brochures and information, and likewise Braveheartshttps://bravehearts.org.au/

For internet related advice please contact The Carly Ryan Foundation http://www.carlyryanfoundation.com

 

#ScreamingSilence #Author #KellyHumphries #KellyHumphriesSpeaker #UnscathedBeauty #Courage #Doyouevenknow #ScreamingSilence

 

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Some time ago I put up a Facebook post asking people what they wanted to know when it comes to sexual abuse, assault and child trauma. I believe I am qualified to answer most of the questions posed to me- I was a victim myself, for a period of 8 years my Uncle took it upon himself to sexually abuse me. He groomed me, he groomed my family and now- I am trying to do something so our families, friends and communities are safer. What am I doing? I am sharing my story, being a voice, encouraging, connecting, writing and anything else that brings this topic out of the shadows. I speak for those who cannot, and I am a voice, to give hope…hopefully, and bring light into this dark space. I am learning, and I am growing.

I have had 10 years of frontline policing work with a significant amount of time working with young people. I have a degree in psychology, and health and fitness. I have been an athlete for over 27 years, and now I am a certified Results Coach and John Maxwell Team Coach.

While I may not have all the technical terms, what I will share with you over the coming weeks and months will be as real as I can be. The way I see it, for the everyday person we rarely know where to look to find the answers to these profound questions. Questions like, ‘How do I know if my child is being groomed? What do I look for to see if my child is being sexually abused? How can I forgive them, the perpetrator for what happened? Is this my fault? Why did this happen? Why do paedophiles offend?

We are afraid of the answers, we are afraid of the truth; let’s face it- some of us are afraid of the questions at all. I was afraid of the answers too, and it wasn’t until I wrote my book- to be published this year #UnscathedBeauty that I realised how much I had been hiding, not only from the world, but from myself.

We can so easily find ourselves caught between morals and societal expectations around whether this thing called Sexual abuse, or rape or any kind of sexual anything should be spoken about, or even if it’s ‘proper’ to ask. The courage and strength it takes to go through this journey (However that looks) is exceptionally hard to find, but once you know how, it can be done and you will realise; parent, friend, supporter, or whoever you are on this journey that you really do have what it takes.

I know how hard it is… even though many may see me as a tough, strong woman… I can be afraid. Fear can take over… and sometimes I am not tough at all. I don’t feel that strength and I have to dig way deep into the recesses of my mind and find those slivers of courage- and it’s because these fears don’t go away… the fear of judgement, the fear of speaking at all. There is always something that lingers… but we just get better at talking and coping, and it gets easier. It gets easier when people connect, collaborate and validate. I have learnt that I am okay, I can talk, I can speak and I can write… though that wasn’t always true.

Now it is. If you want to join me on my journey- if you want to know the answers. Then connect with me. Like my Facebook Page, collaborate with me-and lets change how this whole space looks. Get brave with me! I am asking you to please share this blog, get people to follow along. You can also follow through Facebook or Twitter.

We can make a difference. You can make a difference.

#KellyHumphriesSpeaker. #UnscathedBeauty #BreakTheCycle #SayNo

world is your playground

“An enduring symbol of happiness is the delightful little Bluebird. Bluebird beckons the day with the simple pleasures and sings the song that happiness is possible, it is the gift you give to yourself. If you are going through a dark time, Bluebirds remind us that things will be brighter, just hold on and get through this day” 

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When I was just a small child someone in my family- probably my beautiful mother bought me a Bluebird badge. Engraved with my name, I never knew for sure what it meant- or did I? Recently when looking for photos for my book, #UnscathedBeauty I found my Bluebird badge. I started to put things together in my mind and I realised just how much this enduring symbol of happiness had sat with me. How I had held on… for dear life.

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Me- about 5 years old. 

I would pray, from the very depths of my soul for Jesus to come and rescue me, that he would make me into a bird so I could fly far away, so I could be happy. So I could get away from him, my abusive uncle. In hindsight, I was mostly happy as a child and prayers were answered, i just didnt know it then. How? While all this sexual abuse I had been going through kept happening- I held so tight to the simple things in life. The moments of joy, the cow poo fights with my brother, pushing my sister around in the washing basket and dancing in the rain in my underwear. The smell of mums cooking and baiting a hook while fishing with dad- not to mention catching a fish! Those were the simple things in life that made the darkness fall away, like the rain that washed me clean, and like my prayers that were sent to heaven, love restored me in a way that I could continue for another day. While the battle has raged for years, peaks and troughs… highs and lows, we learn, and life teaches us how to survive. Putting it simply, it gets better because we get better. We learn and grow.

See I did learn a lesson from the Bluebird… I learnt to hold on and I learnt to how to be free- it just took a while. I also learnt patience. I learnt to wait until it was safe and the time was right to fly…

I don’t know who wrote this poem- ‘the bluebird’, only that in my dreams I flew and still do, every night- Thats what I did- that is how I dreamed…that is also how I survived. 

The Bluebird while just a symbol has been a symbol which has held firm in the background of my life. As I looked up the Bluebird on the ever faithful google, so many things refer to the Bluebird being stuck in your heart… oh the metaphors… pretty little Bluebird… your time to fly is now. As I get close to the publishing of my book, I see how far I have come, and all that has been achieved.

If you are in a dark space, a struggle, a situation or circumstance that you feel you can find no way out of, take a lesson from me… from the Bluebird… hold on. Hold on to the moments of love and happiness in your life and embrace them. It may be the simplest thing, but when you are ready to look up again- you will find you are stronger, more courageous than ever before and the world really is your playground.

Much Love xo Kel

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I don’t know who wrote this, only that in my dreams I fly, and every night- Thats what I did- that is also how I survived. 

 

#Bluebird #UnscathedBeauty #KellyHumphries #SexualAbuse #Don’tGiveUp #courage #KellyHumphriesSpeaker #OvercomingAbuse #morethanalabel #Author #Change The World

Is your house made of straw or is your house made of bricks?

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You have already started the process by giving yourself the opportunity to get yourself set for 2017 and committing to a plan for your OWN success. Congratulations on getting to step 3!

If your still reading that means that you are indeed committed to the journey and I congratulate you! Thanks for sticking with me.

screen-shot-2016-12-30-at-11-00-08-amAs I said earlier I took myself on a 10-day journey of discovery in how to overcome trauma. Part of that journey was about stepping into my OWN success despite adversity. So while I contemplated life over a campfire in the bush, I
started my 5-point plan with a set of commitments. Before I was able to make any kind of commitments I needed to know what I valued and what was important to me.

SO… before you start on you 2017 plan lets ponder what it is that you are willing to commit to and what you feel that you can commit to.

There is no point making a commitment that you  cannot fulfil.

If you are reading this, you will be the first to know how Kel’s going to get it done… (Certainly not without help!) Everything comes back to the 5 commitments that you will choose to make. These are the things that you will not waver on.

To show you what I mean- this is at the core of my personal 5-point success plan there is no compromise on these because you must have a strong foundation in order maintain your focus and position. My head is set and ready- now it’s time to get committed.

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Kel’s 5 Core Commitments.

  • I am committed to my faith/spirituality. (God/connection/meaning- purpose)
  • I am committed to myself. (my personal growth and wellbeing)
  • I am committed to my family. (Immediate/those who represent family)
  • I am committed to my friends. (Close Circle)
  • I am committed to my career. (Passion, Occupation)

See if you can mimic these 5x commitment with the understanding that commitment is about being dedicated and devoted to a cause. That is YOU.

In the next blog we will look at how we move into the next part of the plan. The next step is 5 x Statements of Achievement (what will help you achieve your commitment) and 5 X Actions to Accomplishment. (Actions in order to fulfil your achievements)

If I can do this- little farm girl Kel… you can do this; wherever you are! Just don’t give up!

You can find step 1 HERE

You can find step 2 HERE

#Dreams #Purpose #Sexual Abuse #Foundations #Success #Play Hard #Speaker #KellyHumphries # KellyHumphriesSpeaker #Courage

Happy New Year

 

Hey Guys! Are you ready for 2017?IMG_0055 copy

I know I am getting well and truly set with a new and exciting personal development plan. In trying to run the same race each year and not always doing so well, I want to make sure I set myself up this year to achieve all I want, so I can have an incredibly successful year.

Throughout 2016 I have spoken to many people across the community about sexual violence and how important it is to be brave and break the cycle! My book #UnscathedBeauty is coming along nicely, and I am starting to delve press into areas I have been too afraid or self-conscious to do. I have a huge and exciting plan and I cannot wait to walk it out!

I have struggled immensely up until now, within myself, and fought many internal battles to get to this point, but I have grown exponentially.

What I didn’t realise, as I have undertaken the journey of writing my book and starting to speak about what happened, is just how far reaching the effects of the abuse went and how much of my life had changed as a result. I know that the course I have been steered I am using to do things I never thought I would, and in many ways trying to help people overcome. What I also know is that these effects come when you
least expect them. Things like fearing confrontation. Pleasing others. Acting out of guilt and so many other things.

So, I took myself awaimg_6672y on a 10-day intensive challenge where I dealt with some of my demons from my past; that being the sexual abuse that occurred at the hands of my uncle. I went camping in a place with very few people; in fact I was mostly alone for the best part of 10 days in the bush. I underwent an incredible transformation within myself during this time.

While I was away, I started to come up with my own personal development plan. How I was going to walk free from that past and step into a new and wonderful success that belonged to me. That I was free and fully capable of achieving this success.

Over the next 5 blogs, I will share the process of how I set my personal success plan for 2017. It is called, Kel’s 5-point plan- to achieve the best success for yourself in 2017.

So please take a moment to peruse my plan, and use as your own – or in fact, I encourage you to use mine as a template to create your own plan. One that fits you.

Bless you and best wishes for an absolutely incredible 2017- STAY SAFE! STAY TUNED!

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#Getsettosucceed #UnscathedBeauty #Success #NoFear #5pointplan #KellyHumphries #BeYourBest #Author #Plantosucceed

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Your Unscathed Beauty is everything you are, and everything that you are meant to be.

You are not your past. You are not your pain. You are more than what you see in your physical self. You are more than the voices you hear about who you are. You are more than a label, or a passing phase.

You matter. You are designed for a purpose and that is why you are unique.

There is nothing that compares to the #human spirit. Your spirit. The will to survive, the courage and strength it takes to face your deepest of fears.
Your #UnscathedBeauty lives in you and beckons to you to come out and reveal yourself to the world. The light inside you, which can shine brighter than you have ever dreamed. It is that thing in you that aches, screams and eats at you. It doesn’t let you rest because it is your call; your #destiny.

It is also who you choose to become when the world throws ‘life’ at you. It is what you hold on to when times get hard, as they do in life. Let it be the light of the beauty in you that leads you, not the dark that deceives you.

Your Unscathed Beauty is all that you can be- and you own it. It is yours and no person or situation can take it from you.

Hold onto it, nurture it and then- Unleash it!

#KellyHumphries #Author #Speaker #JohnMaxwellTeam