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“Beating the Beast- 10 keys to Predator Prevention”

So we have been chatting over the course of a few months now and I have been answering the questions you asked me to delve into.

Last blog, I spoke about “Grooming” and what to look for with grooming behaviour. While the list is not exhaustive, we can be sure that when we are connected and communicating with our kids, and they feel safe, they are more likely to tell us when something’s not right. In the same way, as I have shared the physical, behavioural and Psychological signs of sexual abuse, understanding and being aware of these things will help you to know whether the child, or children in your life may be being targeted.

So how do you prevent the children in your life from being targeted by a predator?

I’m not sure you can completely create a zero risk environment, besides locking your child away, which we know is not realistic… but there are some things that you could do that may minimise the risk. Of course there may be other things I have missed, but here are 10 key strategies that come to mind.

Enlight10

  • Create a habit of sharing your day with your kids and family members. It may be that you set aside a time each day, each week to just get things off your chest, but foster an environment where your family feels able to communicate what is going on in their lives, free from judgement. Besides helping them feel more confident, you are more likely to know when things are off, or don’t seem right. Create a culture of openness in your home- not secrecy. The agenda for a paedophile includes the ability to groom a child unknowingly, so it is in these types of conversations that you are most likely to pick up cues.
  • Ensure that you know the people in your children’s lives. I cannot tell you the number of kids I have spoken to who have stayed at friends and their parents don’t know the other parents name, address or even have a phone number, much less know the people who are involved with the family. Make sure you be annoying enough to gather that information, set this as a consistent rule for ‘sleep overs’. (some people don’t even allow sleep overs at all until a certain age)
  • Create safe boundaries and stick to them– i.e. the bedroom is for sleeping- not playing (or perhaps the door should stay open) whatever you think is right but the child’s bed should be a safe place. Adult conversations are for adults. 15+ movies are for when you’re 15, not 10 or at least create a culture of your child asking first and being supervised.) Age appropriate video games should be considered…. Children exposed to sexual concepts too young become more sexualised beings at a younger age- it opens the door for a predator to have those same conversations with the child and conditioning a child to believe that this is acceptable and ‘normal’.
  • Be mindful of your child’s behaviour around adults and how they sit, speak, move, act and communicate. Changes in your child’s behaviour could be an indicator that something has happened, is happening, or your child has already been targeted. Be in tune… with how a predator grooms– and know your child’s “normal” behaviour. With this in mind, be brave with your child, and other adults in their life. i.e. (if they are older than 3 or 4, make a rule that your sons/daughters don’t sit on peoples laps.- at all) make it clear to people if you need to that you are teaching your children safe boundaries… and they can sit next to them, not on them…(just an example)
  • Consider changing the password regularly on your Wi-Fi and putting safeguards on your Internet usage. You can find information on parental controls at this link. Think U know also have heaps of online material you can review about cyber safety. https://www.thinkuknow.co.uk/parents/articles/Parental-controls/
  • Become knowledgeable about what apps your kids are using and how they work. It may the most boring thing you do, but it is worth it, not only to connect with your child, but to ensure their online use is safe. For tips on online usage head to #TheCarlyRyanFoundation. The link is below at the end.
  • Have conversations, which teach your child that their body belongs to them. So any victims who are groomed realise what is happening is wrong when its too late and they are stuck in the cycle. That is what happened to me and why I spend this time writing these blogs. Don’t let it be too late for your kids. I would recommend having these conversations as soon as your child can say their words. If you aren’t sure how, maybe you could try one of these two great resources from the National Society for Prevention of Cruelty to Children (NSPCC) and use them to base a conversation around. (I can’t get that Pantosaurus song out of my head! It it will certainly remind kids what is okay and what is not) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-lL07JOGU5o (Pantosaurus) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lGC0cbB0NAM (My Body Song)
  • Make sure your child is aware of their body parts and the names of them. While it sounds a little forward and slightly uncomfortable, teach your kids that a penis is a penis and a vagina is a vagina. It is much easier for them to say what is happening by using the appropriate language then to have the language or slanguage given to the child. It may mean we miss something vital our kids are telling us as well. Not only that but in the unfortunate event something happens to a child in your care, the disclosure will be much more clear and concise if the child is not embarrassed of their body parts and can actually tell police where they were touched, how and not be ashamed.images-1
  • Teach your child prevention and safety tools: Teach your child a safety plan, and ways they can say no if someone was to approach them. For example, some families have a password they use. If a strange person attempts to pick up your child from school they can ask- what’s the password… Ensure that your child knows at least 5 safe, and capable people they can talk to at any time to ask for help. Make sure they are neverUnknown-1 walking to and from school alone.
  • Trust your gut: You will know when something is not right with your child. Be engaged and connected. Have open communication and encourage conversations about hard things. Even a child with a special need will have their own ‘normal’, so whatever their normal, when things are off- investigate. Ask questions and encourage conversations..  #TalkingFamilies

Consider this also, sometimes hard as it is we don’t want to know what’s happening. I know this sounds ridiculous, because what parent or carer wouldn’t want to know if ‘that’ was happening, right? See here lies the problem that we face- most parents are really good, most families are really good. As a society however we are changing… Social media, conversations about sex and some of these tough things are talked about as if they are normal now. This pushes parents into a position of relaxing the boundaries… Young people are becoming older, faster… Not many people raise eyebrows at awful things… maybe it is simply because no one knows what to say… or everyone has an opinion about it, or too much is happening. It does not lessen the impact on the victim- I assure you. It is either buried or admonished firmly, and hideously. So where is the happy medium and the loving support that happens in the middle of hidden secrecy, and righteousness? Who will be brave enough? You?  It is ridiculously important to be educated about this stuff so you know how to be there, to take the right steps and not perpetuate a cycle of silence through a lack of knowledge and understanding.  It doesn’t mean things won’t happen. It means you minimise the risk, you empower yourself to fight and minimise the risk to your family that child abuse will ever enter your home.

IMG_0044Be the warrior… Be and advocate for change in your own home, workplace and community…. It doesn’t all have to be doom and gloom- but sharing and connectedness can bring families closer together. It’s worth it! You are worth it. #UnscathedBeauty

Much Love,

Kel XO

Next Blog: What to do in crisis… if sexual abuse, assault or trauma is happening now. 

Disclaimer:

Every situation is different and each situation has its own very complex circumstances. There are no hard and fast answers, what I say here is my experience- and my own opinion supported at times by research.

This stuff is not black and white. It just can’t be. What is black and white/ right and wrong is that Sexual Abuse and Sexual Violence is never ok, and it is never under any circumstances right.

What is grey is in fact terribly dark… That is the silence that sits surrounding this topic. The shame and absolute fear so heavily laden on the shoulders of victims that the mere thought of speaking brings crippling anxiety and fear.

Lets change that… together.

For further support you can click HERE:

If you are in immediate danger, please call 000 in Australia. 

To report sexual abuse to police- please attend a Police Station or call 131444 for Policelink. (Australia)

To seek support or assistance you can contact me, www.kellyhumphries.com (I am a single entity who can offer advice, and personal coaching. I am not a psychologist or registered counsellor, but I am very approachable and happy to help. 

You can contact the Centre for Sexual Violence at http://www.casv.org.au and download any of their brochures and information, and likewise Bravehearts– https://bravehearts.org.au/

For internet related advice please contact The Carly Ryan Foundation http://www.carlyryanfoundation.com

#SexualAbuse #GroomingStinks #UnscathedBeauty #YourQuestionsAnswered #Courage #AreYouInTune #MeToo #PredatorPrevention #TrustYourGut #TalkingFamilies

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KH-Manager
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Are you in tune with how a predator grooms? Know these 10 signs.

Grooming behaviour is targeted; there is no other way to say it. It is deliberate with an intention to engage a victim in sexual acts. If you check out my last blog; I talk about what grooming is as defined in the Criminal Code. Earlier, I also defined what a sexual act consisted of… 

But how does it begin? How does it happen and what are the signs? We are up to blog 7 of the “Your Questions Answered” Series. As an advocate for change and someone who wants to break cycles of abuse,  I believe is one of the most important things to know about how sexual abuse occurs.

Most groomers, (which can be anyone) have techniques they use to ‘trick’ and gain access to a vulnerable child. Only 20% of reported sexual offences have occurred where the victim has NOT known the offender. The majority of Sexual assaults occur when there is some relationship already.

SO, we definitely need to know how grooming occurs. More often than not, it is not an obvious display of trickery, but as subtle and unidentifiable as possible.

What kind of child does a predator typically target?

Unfortunately, Paedophiles are cunning… they are tricky and they exist in a space where manipulation is the way to an end goal. So they choose victims based on the vulnerability, neediness, and those that are more likely to please… The predator can use many tactics but the end goal is that the child will be too afraid to speak. How do you avoid your child being targeted? (Let’s cover that in the next blog)

What does Grooming look like; how does it happen? 

It looks like anything…! How long is a piece of string? Sometimes it is so hard to know what to look for but we can only try and create as much awareness around this as possible.

There are specific techniques paedophiles use, and they involve a great deal of patience on part of the predator including setting themselves up as model citizens; well embedded into the community and community activities. These positions are usually where their reputation and community standing enables them to hide behind a facade. It would not cause anyone to even think the person could be capable of grooming or sexual abuse.

This role, or community involvement allows trust to be built in adult groups and as such even the most responsible parents drop their guard. The parent believes the person to be safe and so allow more and more access to their child.

They are incredibly nice people, paedophiles. In fact, like my uncle they would never do the wrong thing; butter would not melt in their mouth.

The problem is that this leads into the grooming of the parents and the false sense that they can be trusted.

Many of these offenders prefer the company of younger children over adults. Sadly it is because they know they have power over young children, which allows them to have a sense of control.

What are the signs of grooming?

There are some specific signs to be mindful of, but as every child is different so too are the ways in which they will be groomed.

Unknown.jpegTypically…

1- Child may sneak time or try and be on their own with the groomer/predator. (especially in the online environment.)

2- The groomer makes time to spend with the child, intentional, one v one time where the groomer will listen and pay particular attention to the child.

3- Child may have gifts, money or small tokens. The child feels ‘special;’ special praise, and compliments are given, which may seem out of place, and even over the top. (This tends to be out of sight of any other persons).

4- In order to desensitize the child, the groomer may spend more time with the child when they are dressing, bathing or going to bed.

5- Accidental touching is certainly not off the cards. There were times I remember when I was going through the barbed wire fence or getting in the car and Uncle Bob would use that chance to touch me somewhere… oops. What it meant is that I got used to it. There may even be excessive hugging of the child.

6- Overt sexual jokes or talk- the aim to desensitize the child to sexual talk.

7- Rough play with the child, where being close is expected- i.e wrestling and perhaps inappropriate placement of a child with certain positions.

8- Be mindful of children sitting on laps… There are different ways to do this, and there will be a marked difference between how a predator will sit a child on their lap as opposed to someone who is not. i.e, is the child comfortable, what are their mannerisms? Are they squirming? Uncomfortable? Afraid? Are they being made to sit? Is there a blanket?

9- The child will relish the attention given and be upset when the groomer is not around. This could be as a protective measure out of fear, or a fear of someone infiltrating the world created by the groomer/predator.

10- This power the predator has over the child or the one being groomed can result in the child becoming particularly defensive about that person. Protective almost.

Unfortunately, paedophiles have really ruined genuine connection for wonderful fathers (in particular) and caring family members who enjoy spending time with their loved ones. An important thing my dad said after I had broken my silence was that he wasn’t sure how he should be around me and the other kids. There is a big difference to the love a genuine person gives to that of a paedophile.  Again there is not any one particular thing that will tell you a child is being groomed or is a victim of sexual assault or child trauma, but there will be a combination of factors, such as the physical signs, psychological signs and even behavioural signs combined with the above behaviours that could lead you to believe something was ‘off’. You will know if you see it. You have to trust that your instincts are right, and back yourself.

IMG_0044

Next blog: Strategies on how to avoid grooming behaviour, what you can do about it.

 

Much Love XO

Kel

Disclaimer:

Every situation is different and each situation has its own very complex circumstances. There are no hard and fast answers, what I say here is my experience- and my own opinion supported at times by research.

This stuff is not black and white. It just can’t be. What is black and white/ right and wrong is that Sexual Abuse and Sexual Violence is never ok, and it is never under any circumstances right.

What is grey is in fact terribly dark… That is the silence that sits surrounding this topic. The shame and absolute fear so heavily laden on the shoulders of victims that the mere thought of speaking brings crippling anxiety and fear.

Lets change that… together.

For further support you can click HERE:

If you are in immediate danger, please call 000 in Australia. 

To report sexual abuse to police- please attend a Police Station or call 131444 for Policelink. (Australia)

To seek support or assistance you can contact me, www.kellyhumphries.com (I am a single entity who can offer advice, and personal coaching. I am not a psychologist or registered counsellor, but I am very approachable and happy to help. 

You can contact the Centre for Sexual Violence at http://www.casv.org.au and download any of their brochures and information, and likewise Bravehearts– https://bravehearts.org.au/

For internet related advice please contact The Carly Ryan Foundation http://www.carlyryanfoundation.com

#SexualAbuse #GroomingStinks #UnscathedBeauty #YourQuestionsAnswered #Courage #AreYouInTune

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KH-Manager
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Cowardly tricks; grooming stinks- but what is it?

Dr Linda Evans, Principal, Fairholme College, Toowoomba

Blog 6 grooming

What is grooming? This is a great question and one, which is really hard to answer, because grooming is also very hard to detect. But that is what we are doing in this “Your Questions Answered Series….” so I will do my best to give some perspective here. If you are a parent, teacher, carer or someone who works with children then you need to know what grooming is… but more than that, if we all had a better idea, we might spot the early warning signs, and perhaps save someone from a terrible injustice.

Before you can see grooming happening- you need to know what grooming is.

Maybe I could pose the question differently as this… What is luring? What is coaxing? What is baiting? What is bribing? See I never knew I was being groomed as a child and when I did, I was already caught, hooked, lied to and sunk, I took the bait… just a little fish in a big sea. What I didn’t know was how I was caught and why, until it was too late. I was caught for a good 8 years before I was able to find a way to make it stop, but I didn’t know how it started until much later in life. Much later; much too late… but not too late for some… which is why I spend my time writing and doing what I am doing… so please keep reading!

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As we move forward to tackling this issue of sexual abuse, states across Australia have implemented an offence of grooming and it probably has the best definition I can find.

 S218 B of the Criminal Code, Grooming of a child under 16 years includes facilitating the procuring of a person to engage in a sexual Act

Or:

 Expose without reason the person to ANY indecent matter.

 We defined sexual abuse and indecent acts in blog number 2 of this, “Your Questions Answered Series.

NOTE: There does not need to be physical contact to be considered grooming….

 The penalty is harsher if the child is under 12 years of age.

What’s important? The word Procure: grooming targets individuals who are communicating with a child or even the family of the child with the intent to commit child sexual abuse, engage in a sexual act or an indecent act.

Without writing out the entire legislation, to be charged with this offence, it needs to be shown that the offending person knew the victim was under the age of 16. For the full legislation definition you can click this LINK

 The problem with grooming is you really can’t see it happening and unfortunately for children they don’t know that it is occurring or indeed what the intention may be. It is difficult because the predator is building an emotional connection with the child to then create a level of trust. This in turn creates a prison that the child or young person does not generally realise they are in and they can feel trapped and feel the need to act on what they are asked. It is obviously a very complex area, but over the next few blogs I hope to enlighten you.

A paedophile is calculating and like my uncle, very cunning. Remember it is only an offence when there is intent to exploit the child or victim for a sexual means…

The question is how will you know this is happening? What does it look like? Where do you draw the line for your family? I will answer this in my next blog in this “Your Questions Answered Series,” blog number 7 on how to spot grooming.

 Who can be a groomer? What you should know is that grooming can occur anywhere with anyone, male and female, old and young. They are every background and nationality, every size, weight and height.

Who can be groomed? Who can be groomed- anyone. Anyone can be groomed. A person can be groomed or a group of people. Whatever way a predator can use when they have intent to exploit the relationship for sexual purposes means grooming has occurred.

We have to be mindful of the people in our lives and remember that grooming can happen over a number of years- and like my Uncle, he was always around, loving, supporting and cleverly manipulating our family to get what he wanted. No one would have predicted what he would do. He was always so close to our family and used his position in the family to gain trust. Then he exploited it and left long term damage in the form of his betrayal. (Remember not everyone is like my Uncle- but being mindful of who is surrounding our family is important) in my next blog I will explore some differences that would give you cause to question a relationship and the motives.

Grooming that occurs in the family and of all types of betrayals; for me is one of the hardest to understand. It is also the behaviour of any paedophile, to gain the trust of their victim… and then exploit it through any means… online, in a workplace, at a school, in a sporting group or anywhere. Now more than ever we face a battle with grooming online in silent pathways where young people all over the world are being targeted.

S474 of the Criminal Code prohibits the use of a carrier service (i.e. Phone or internet) to procure a person under 16 for an indecent or sexual matter.

 Sonya Ryan, the CEO and Founder of the Carly Ryan Foundation fights daily for young people in the online space after her daughter Carly was murdered by an online predator who posed as a 17 year old male. In Sonya’s fight to make change Carly’s law has been passed where predators cannot lie about their age online with the intent to cause harm to a child under 16 years of age.

This new law will give police the power to intervene before predators have a chance to act (or groom a child), and will also serve as a strong deterrent, with a tough new sentence of 10 years prison for convicted offenders. You can read about this article here:

If you need assistance or advice on Internet related issues you can contact The Carly Ryan Foundation in the links below.

In my next Blog I will give you signs to look for and some ideas on how to set your boundaries as a family. 

IMG_0045

Take care and look after each other.

Much Love

Kel XO

 

 

Disclaimer:

Every situation is different and each situation has its own very complex circumstances. There are no hard and fast answers, what I say here is my experience- and my own opinion supported at times by research.

This stuff is not black and white. It just can’t be. What is black and white/ right and wrong is that Sexual Abuse and Sexual Violence is never ok, and it is never under any circumstances right.

What is grey is in fact terribly dark… That is the silence that sits surrounding this topic. The shame and absolute fear so heavily laden on the shoulders of victims that the mere thought of speaking brings crippling anxiety and fear.

Lets change that… together.

 

For further support you can click HERE:

If you are in immediate danger, please call 000 in Australia. 

To report sexual abuse to police- please attend a Police Station or call 131444 for Policelink. (Australia)

To seek support or assistance you can contact me, www.kellyhumphries.com (I am a single entity who can offer advice, and personal coaching. I am not a psychologist or registered counsellor, but I am very approachable and happy to help. 

You can contact the Centre for Sexual Violence at http://www.casv.org.au and download any of their brochures and information, and likewise Bravehearts– https://bravehearts.org.au/

For internet related advice please contact The Carly Ryan Foundation http://www.carlyryanfoundation.com

#GroomingStinks #UnscathedBeauty #Whatisgrooming #KellyHumphries #KellyHumphriesSpeaker #CowardlyTricks #YourQuestionsAnswered

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Who is Kelly Humphries?

Kelly Humphries is a survivor of child sexual abuse, a law enforcement officer, ambassador, author, and advocate. Kel is extremely passionate about breaking cycles of abuse through multiple platforms. Learn more

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