As Christmas dawns on the horizon- and is already upon us I remember the sweet innocence of those twinkling lights, the star on the tree and how we rocked along to Disney’s Christmas Carols – singing our hearts out like the sweet little birds that we were as kids- or maybe not so sweet!
While we innocently waited for Santa to come and bring his sack full of toys, with absolute wonderment and joy and we revelled in the moments of true connection and love, as life waged its war with time we became like the crinkles in the corner of our eyes. Lost in time.
We pitter patted around and put cookies and milk out for Santa, carrots for the reindeer… and we would be in bed early because, ‘He see’s you when your sleeping- and knows when your awake.’ So quickly and seeded with anticipation we would wait for the first one to wake up on Christmas morning… and the screaming and excitement would begin.
I cry as I write this, because I realise what I have missed and what I mourn… What my heart aches for and what life does to us if we don’t keep things in check. As a survivor of Sexual abuse, I have learnt this phenomenon of the ‘inner child.’
I might point out I thought this was all very cliché. But I come to realise very quickly that my innocence, that child was part of me and still is. We all have the memories of our youth that shape and mould us. We all still have that beautiful innocence and joy of children within us- we just forget it is there when life and adversity rears its head and we are forced to act like adults.
I remember how much fun I had at Christmas, and yet the dark sadness of what lay beneath and what was happening would see the simple joys fade like a moment of sunshine flittering in and out behind dark clouds. I was not like the other kids.
My little girl was stolen from me by my Uncle; just like joy may be stolen from you, through situation or circumstance, or maybe just pain… I lost her. I lost her sweet song and her dance in the pain of my innocence lost. My #UnscathedBeauty: all that I am, all that I was meant to be. My laughter and smiles- where did that unbridled laughter go?
It became tinged with deceit. That’s where it went. It become chained by fear and lost in the feeling that no place was safe, and the world was scary. I had to grow up, just so I could live.
Maybe you had to grow up too…really fast. Maybe you are holding on for all you feel you are worth. Perhaps you feel that have no more strength. No time. No money. Perhaps you have forgotten the beautiful wonderful things in this life Maybe your little inner child gone into hiding and you don’t know where they went.
That’s ok- I only just found her myself skipping around the Christmas tree and singing Christmas carols.
Do the things that make you smile! Build a cubby house or do a colouring in picture. Turn the sprinkler on, run underneath it and laugh like you don’t care. Lick the bowl when you make your next cake and let it smear all over your face…
Look at the people around you and take joy in the simplicity.
It’s is not about things and stuff… They won’t matter later. Love matters and #connectionmatters. Take time to connect with people. Connection creates healing.
So, from my family to yours have an incredible, simple, connected and loving Christmas, filled with innocence, joy and uninhibited laughter!
Much Love- Kel xo
