Psychological signs

Let’s face it; talking about Sexual Abuse is tough… it’s tough because we don’t talk about it like we should. It certainly isn’t a topic that comes up at a Sunday lunch and for as long as I have known, it has been thought of as this insidious taboo issue, which is better, kept where it belongs…”a secret.”


We nobly beckon others to speak up, be brave and then when a survivor breaks their silence the support wavers, the system can crumble and a survivor feels as alone as they did while they held tight their secret… I know… I held it tight for a long time. Any wonder that the pain, shame and darkness around sexual abuse manifests in so many unusual and yet understandable ways.

We have become braver… stronger… more informed and with that we have better systems, more understanding and indeed are making waves when it comes to sexual abuse. But, sadly we have such a long way to go.

So in this blog 4, of my series, “Your Questions Answered” I am going to highlight the psychological signs of sexual abuse. Sexual abuse is defined broadly… and as I have mentioned in previous blogs, these signs are generally comorbid (more than one) and will occur concurrently with behavioural and physical signs of abuse.

Most psychological conditions could be indicators for other problems a person may face, but if you have read my blogs on the Physical and Behavioural traits of someone experiencing sexual abuse, then you can start to draw some fairly solid conclusions about what is happening and going on for a young person or even an adult… bear in mind this is an overview and while it is a long read- if I were to delve into these in depth I might as well write another book.

So here are the most significant psychological factors that may indicate trauma is occurring.

Psychological signs

 Depression: It was never going to be easy to deal with abuse, now a survivor battles with their self worth, their feelings of guilt, shame, sexuality, where they fit in their family, their safety and means of survival. They lose sleep, are constantly told lies by the predator in their midst and made or groomed to perform sexual acts that can only serve to violate the personal boundaries and leave them feeling isolated, alone and depressed. Depression is feelings of hopelessness, comes with insomnia, inability to concentrate, fear of losing control, restlessness, lack of pleasure in life activities, and significant weight loss or gain. (to name a few)

 Anxiety: Anxiety develops over time, and can turn into more debilitating illnesses and social phobias. It stems from feeling unsafe, uncertain and watching for the cues of their predator. My belief is that Anxiety starts with heightened arousal- that is heightened biochemical arousal in the brain… the part of the brain that sends the warning signals that it is safe, or not safe. Sometimes it gets a little confused and the brain doesn’t always know what is safe or not


and that is where I believe that other significant issues occur. The longer someone remains silent, the more at risk they can be from anxiety. This is usually found in close association with Depression or the next topic of PTSD. Sweating, phobias, dizziness, chest pain, fear of dying, palpitations, chills and hot flushes. Untreated, and without support this can be crippling.

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)/Complex PTSD: After being involved with a major negative life event or ongoing issue (Such as ongoing child sexual or physical abuse) a victim can experience PTSD. If it continues over a long period of time it can be called Complex PTSD. As with Anxiety, it is a state of being hyper aroused (Hyper vigilant), or conversely feeling depr

essed, isolating yourself from events that may remind you of ‘the incident/s’, reliving the event (flashbacks), and other life issues. A person may also experience uncontrollable crying, rages, sleep disorders, high-risk behaviours, shame, guilt and blame. This is something that can develop in teenagers and even children who have experienced child abuse. In teenagers this exhibits in the reckless behaviour you sometimes see, truancy, substance abuse, and disengagement. It can come out in nightmares, drawings and play…

 Disassociation: This is one I am very familiar with… and I liken this to watching the world as if watching a movie. It is the ability for a victim to almost physically remove themselves from their body… numb, withdraw, vague out, or anything that removes them emotionally from the situation when it becomes too difficult. Sometimes the person may not remember important information, in some cases as below; new identities are formed like personality disorders. A person who has experienced significant trauma, can at times minimize the physical feelings they experience also.

Personality Disorders: This is not a common one, but in extreme cases of child abuse, and child trauma a victim can develop a personality disorder. My personal belief is that this stems from the paranoia a victim feels and then as it is left untreated develops into a much bigger problem of personality disorder. The paranoia comes from the violation of personal space and hyper vigilance a victim will experience (Among other things). Depending on the circumstances will depend on the type of personality disorder that can present. i.e Paranoid Personality Disorder: extreme distrust and suspicion of others. Borderline Personality Disorder: instability with interpersonal relationships, self-image, and lack of control over impulses.

 Attachment Issues: Attachment issues, just simply means that the victim cannot form lasting relationships with people, especially in terms of intimate relationships. Sometimes they struggle to be affectionate to others. It stems from the trust of the individual being damaged or broken, boundaries being violated and the person not feeling safe. This happens early on in development and from what I have learnt, the emotions that were meant to develop in the brain during childhood are significantly impaired as a result of the abuse, and so patterns of behaviour are changed as a result. It could be that this person may fail to show remorse for things, have difficulty learning, and decreased social awareness.

 Addictions: Addictions could be addictions to anything- but specifically, drugs, alcohol or anything that ‘numbs or provides a route for escapism.’ Most of the time, a victim cannot sit still with themselves, well, this is what I have found in my experience. Before writing my book #UnscathedBeauty, I was not able to sit still with my pain… so I needed to do something to fill the gap, and that gap was alcohol for a time, and then it just became things. Projects, business and never stopping… facing my pain means I now have the freedom to sit with not only my own pain, but someone else’s.

Eating Disorders: This is usually about over or under eating…

ANOREXIA: (Self induced weight loss through starvation, not eating, and exercise)

BULIMIA: (Repeated bouts of over eating, binging and fear of gaining weight.)

Reasons why a child abuse, or victim of a sexual offence may do this is to possibly appear less attractive to the perpetrator, or perhaps it is a way to seek attention… like I have said before, a victim will try and communicate without saying the words… this can be like that…

Neurotic Reactions: Behaviour where a person engages in ritualistic and/or overt behaviours. Sometimes this is in order to alleviate anxiety, which is one of the biggest symptoms of Child trauma.

Withdrawal and Mistrust: Like anything, if something hurts once, it can continue to hurt… over and over again. Like a child who touches a hot stove, when it burns, we learn not to touch it again… something which happens to hurt, harm, confuse, scare, or take advantage of a child mostly results in the child pulling away and withdrawing… this is how they have learnt to survive and forms patterns well into adulthood.

 Suicidal Ideology: The belief that the world would be a better place without you. I believe this comes from the confines of silence and shame. The perpetual feelings of worthlessness and self loathing that leads to poor self esteem. Let me tell you… you are worth it, and if your reading this and you think that there is no way out for you…let me tell you there is, there is always a way- and it does get better.

Self-Harming Behaviour: As I mentioned in my last blog, self-harming can be as a result of feeling numb. Numbness that comes from withdrawal and disassociation… when someone cuts it is as if they can remember that they are still alive. They can also feel something with the pain and it releases some of what they are feeling inside. remember self harm can be cutting, but it can also be self injury… punching poles, head butting, throwing oneself on the ground etc.

As I stated earlier, this is just an overview, however after these past 4 blogs we should have a fairly good understanding of what to look for and how we can identify when something is out of place.

If you are struggling with any of these things, remember I can help you! If you need adviceIMG_0045 or support let me know or feel free to contact any of the below numbers for support.

Take care,

Much Love

Kel xo


Next Blog: Blog 5 of the “Your Questions Answered Series”-What is grooming?

To learn about what I am what I am up to click here. 


Every situation is different and each situation has its own very complex circumstances. There are no hard and fast answers, what I say here is my experience- and my own opinion supported at times by research.

This stuff is not black and white. It just can’t be. What is black and white/ right and wrong is that Sexual Abuse and Sexual Violence is never ok, and it is never under any circumstances right.

What is grey is in fact terribly dark… That is the silence that sits surrounding this topic. The shame and absolute fear so heavily laden on the shoulders of victims that the mere thought of speaking brings crippling anxiety and fear.

Lets change that… together.


For further support you can click HERE:

If you are in immediate danger, please call 000 in Australia. 

To report sexual abuse to police- please attend a Police Station or call 131444 for Policelink. (Australia)

To seek support or assistance you can contact me, (I am a single entity who can offer advice, and personal coaching. I am not a psychologist or registered counsellor, but I am very approachable and happy to help. 

You can contact the Centre for Sexual Violence at and download any of their brochures and information, and likewise Bravehearts–

For internet related advice please contact The Carly Ryan Foundation


WARNING: content not appropriate for children under the age of 15 yrs, but hey- a contextually and age appropriate conversation with your children raising some awareness around this topic is always a good thing


Your Questions Answered Series… Blog 3 – You asked and these are my answers. What am I doing? You can read about it here.

I have shared with you the definition and the scope of sexual violence (here is the LINK). I have also shared in my last blog the behavioural indicators of sexual abuse (LINK) and now this is a look at 12x physical signs of sexual abuse. Remember with anything- all of us have a duty to assess what we see and consider whether a child or anybody for that matter needs assistance. We should consider if what is occurring, what is seen and what is heard needs to be reported. If your not sure about something- ask more questions, it’s best if they are open ended and this allows for more communication to occur and there is less pressure on the victim).

Be brave; don’t be afraid to ask questions! Be afraid not to, because living with the guilt is much harder than saying I tried… Your questions may save a life, but be gentle… and be gently persistent, especially if you really do believe that something is happening. IMG_5726

I can tell you right now that this is a really tough series of blogs to put together, and if you are reading along, I want to acknowledge you for your willingness to be educated and informed. This blog is probably a little harder hitting than the other blogs, because this is the stuff that is hard to hear, hard to talk about and even harder to imagine. (Even hard to write!)

The thing is, this is the reality of it. This is what happens and as a parent, teacher, support worker, legal or medical professional or child-care worker or anyone who is around children and young people, this is what the physical signs of sexual abuse and violence include.

As I said in the Screaming Silence of Sexual abuse, these are not usually seen as a singular entity. If child abuse of any kind (physical, emotional or psychological) is occurring, it is usually displayed via a number of signs, symptoms and behavioural traits that indicate that something is ‘not right.’ That something may be explained by a few simple questions. i.e How are you doing? Are you feeling ok? I see that your not playing sport today, can you tell me whats happened? Remind the child that you are a safe person and encourage conversation.

Physical Signs of Sexual Abuse:

  • Burning sensations during urination and any bowel movements. (Caused by irritation, infection and or pain as a result of foreign bodies, or sexual penetration.)
  • Self-harm or cutting: (Coping response, but also as a result of a numbing, the victim- in order to feel something tends to cut. This is believed to release some emotion for the victim as well) It can also indicate other types of trauma.
  • Sleep disturbances and nightmares (In a state of anxiety, the victim will be experiencing hyper-vigilance. In my case, I waited up at night to see if he would come… I was looking over my shoulder and I was afraid of what would happen- very difficult to have a peaceful nights sleep)
  • Inserting objects and items into vagina or a boy ‘humping’ or mounting stuffed animals: and/or finding foreign items in genital or rectal areas. (Typically children display what they are taught. A child who knows no better – is simply mimicking what they have been shown. It is also to provide the same biological response, which sadly has been enforced on the child.)
  • Trauma to breasts, bottom, lower abdomen or thighs. (Especially if there is more than just ‘touching’ occurring- there will generally be evidence of trauma to the genital area (Can include bleeding in these areas) (can cause general discomfort and child not wishing to participate in physical activity at school)
  • Pregnancy(Let’s hope not, but this can and DOES happen)
  • Sexually transmitted diseases. (If a child they may begin to show signs of STI’s, possibly around their mouth, or genital areas especially if there was never any signs previously)
  • Unexplained wetting of pants and even soiling pants. (This is for several reasons… Possibly fear, potential infections in the area, at times to appear less attractive, and due to enlargement in the area as a result of trauma)
  • Abnormal enlargement of vaginal or rectal areas. (Forced trauma to these areas would result in stretching of the area)
  • The presence of semen/sperm. (for obvious reasons)
  • Ongoing infections in genital area– (especially young girls and having frequent Urinary Tract Infections.)
  • Stained or bloodied underwear.

Of all of the signs of sexual abuse and child trauma, while these are the most obvious, unless you are a parent or carer, or are in a position where you are seeing the child getting changed, or living in close proximity to the child, it is quite easy for these signs to go unnoticed. So other things to be aware of could be some of the following:

  • Child does not want to participate in sports or physical activity.
  • Child complains of pain in genital areas, or pain while going to the toilet.
  • Attempts made to cover legs and thighs.
  • Blood or semen in child’s underwear.

Please be a hero to a child suffering from any kind of abuse and report the matter. There is a genuine fear surrounding what we think we see, reporting the matter and subsequently having to go through the process. There are thought such as- What if I am wrong? What if I have to go to court? What if the parent comes after me? What if i do it wrong? 

Just ask… and if your not sure ask… and if you don’t know how… ask…! Better to ask, then to find out that you were right… something was happening and you could have saved them.

And if your wrong…. then so what? Be brave and speak up!

You can do it!


Much Love ,

Kel xo

Next Blog: Psychological Signs of Sexual Abuse.


Every situation is different and each situation has its own very complex circumstances. There are no hard and fast answers, what I say here is my experience- and my own opinion supported at times by research.

This stuff is not black and white. It just can’t be. What is black and white/ right and wrong is that Sexual Abuse and Sexual Violence is never ok, and it is never under any circumstances right.

What is grey is in fact terribly dark… That is the silence that sits surrounding this topic. The shame and absolute fear so heavily laden on the shoulders of victims that the mere thought of speaking brings crippling anxiety and fear.

Lets change that… together.


For further support you can click HERE:

If you are in immediate danger, please call 000 in Australia.

To report sexual abuse to police- please attend a Police Station or call 131444 for Policelink. (Australia)

To seek support or assistance you can contact me, (I am a single entity who can offer advice, and personal coaching. I am not a psychologist or registered counsellor, but I am very approachable and happy to help.

You can contact the Centre for Sexual Violence at and download any of their brochures and information, and likewise Bravehearts

For internet related advice please contact The Carly Ryan Foundation


#ScreamingSilence #Author #KellyHumphries #KellyHumphriesSpeaker #UnscathedBeauty #Courage #Doyouevenknow #ScreamingSilence #Sexual Abuse

Blogs by Kelly

“Sometimes we dare to dream we have the ability to do something powerful: a thing, which holds meaning and purpose. Sometimes we are even brave enough to allow ourselves an opportunity to do that ‘thing’ we have always dreamed about doing. Even fewer times do we allow ourselves permission to actually do it!” Kelly Humphries- Author, Speaker, Coach

I believe that we all desire to succeed in our own way; to be the best that we can be and do something incredible with our lives.

Often times though we are clouded by life and the situations that surround us. We cannot see past our crisis and it’s easy to become buried, dark, depressed and lack lustre about life. We seek to understand and feel misunderstood. We grind through life, we hope and fall on our faces eating dirt and feel the whole world is on a vendetta to get at us.

Well, luckily… we have a choice… we can be de-vined by our painful past, situations or circumstances or we can choose to hold on to the vine and grow out of control.


I am reminded of this simple thing after spending a week in Sydney just recently, becoming an accredited results coach. I was all a-buzz with the collective consciousness, the incredible energy that permeated the training room and the sheer passion and enthusiasm of the other coaches to make a difference to others lives.

The vine was alive and full of life, and by choosing to be vulnerable, seek insight and tapping into the strength and knowledge of the others around me, I grew leaps and bounds in a mere 6 days. Growth can be found anywhere though, you just need to look for it. Seek like minded people. Be disciplined and choose to challenge your limitations by stretching through your comfort zone. You can do it!

I am now more congruent than ever with my message of finding, stepping into and unleashing my Unscathed Beauty- That is all you are and all you are meant to be despite life and all that occurs around you which would seek to bring you down. You have power and dominion over that darkness and can choose to walk in the light. Just decide!

So I ask you… what vine are you clinging to? Is it encouraging your growth? Is it inhibiting your freedom to move and step forward into the path you desire? Is your past keeping you locked in the shadows.

Grasp hold of your passion and purpose for this life and know that you have incredible value!

You owe it to yourself to put your personal growth at the forefront of your priorities. Don’t be separated from the vine. Get close to people who can encourage your personal growth and push you forward into your goals and future.

You deserve success and you deserve to Unleash your Growth. That is to be the best version of who you are, to have success and leave the legacy you have only ever dreamed of.


Thanks Team!

Thank-you to the incredible vine of people who helped me explode exponentially this past week and to my family for holding fort in my absence!

#UnleashYourUnscathedBeauty #UnleashYourGrowth #UnscathedBeauty #Kelly Humphries #Success #Purpose #PersonalDevelopment #destiny #AuthenticEducation


Well done guys, you are getting toward the end of my 5-point plan to shine your best light in 2017! Are you ready to step up… and step out?



You should have now made your commitments for 2017, and written your 5x Statements of Achievement for each one of your commitments.



NOW… you can go ahead and move into how you are going to make these things happen! That is your 5x Actions to Accomplishment. This is essentially how you are going to achieve your commitments. You need to ensure that you make these actions achievable- and not things that you cannot possibly do; or we set ourselves up to fail. These of course can be changed, added to, increased or decreased. Why? Because life is busy, so put in what you know you can achieve, and then add more as you feel your capacity grow.

It looks like this… utilising point 1 from my Statements of Achievement-

My 5x Actions to Accomplishment are ways in which you will achieve each of your 5x Statements of Achievement. You can then add these into your schedule or calendar as you see fit and to what you believe you can achieve.

i.e. I am committed to my own personal Growth.

  1. Read 6 personal growth books during 2017
  2. Continue attending Toastmasters Meetings monthly
  3. Find an appropriate mentor by March, 2017
  4. Attend 2 Self Development courses during 2017
  5. Complete an individual development plan for 2017

actions-to-accomplishmentAll you then need to do is slot this into your calendar as you feel is appropriate.

You have done extremely well if you have decided to give this a go. I know I have much more clarity about what I am doing as a result of mapping out my own plan. It takes humility and conviction to which if you are still with me you already have.

5x Statements of Commitment (your unwavering commitments)

5 x Statements of Achievement (what will help you achieve your commitment)

5 X Actions of Accomplishment. (Actions in order to fulfil your achievements)

So now go ahead and set your actions to accomplishment and start moving towards your own personal success plan!

You deserve success. You deserve to achieve incredible things. You are made uniquely, for a unique purpose! Don’t miss it by allowing it to pass you by! Keep walking, moving, and pushing forward. Fix your eyes on the destination, the purpose and the intention. One goal at a time, you will get there!

For steps 1-4 see the following links!

You can find step 1/5 HERE

You can find step 2/5 HERE

You can find step 3/5 HERE

You can find step 4/5 HERE




#Writing #Dreams #5pointplan #UnscathedBeauty #Foundations#Author #KellyHumphries #SexualAbuse #Success #Purpose #Change The World #StepUp

Fishing girl footer background

So now you have made your commitments you are ready to move on to the next phase of the 5-point plan to shine your incredible unique light in 2017. Now we look towards creating the next step and this is your 5x Statements of Achievement. Well done for getting this far along!



I have provided an example below of what this looks like.

Remember these are my personal 5x Core Commitments (yours may look slightly different, but as I said in my fist blog of this series, we are all fundamentally the same)

  • I am committed to my faith/spirituality. (God/connection/meaning- purpose)
  • I am committed to myself. (Me and my personal wellbeing and growth)
  • I am committed to my family. (Immediate/those who represent family)
  • I am committed to my friends. (Close Circle- followed my outer circle (you can only do so much with your time!))
  • I am committed to my career. (Passion, Occupation)


My five Statements of achievement are what I believe will ensure I fulfil my commitments. So to show you what 5x Statements of Achievement look like I have worked with my own commitment number 2.

2- I am committed to myself.

My 5x Statements of Achievement for commitment number 2 are as follows.

  1. I am committed to my personal growth.
  2. I am committed to my physical, emotional and spiritual wellbeing.
  3. I am committed to my personal healing.
  4. I am committed to being kind to myself.
  5. I am committed to being passionate.

5-core-commitments-and-statements-of-achievementEach one of your commitments should have their own statements of achievement. When you are making these statements think about the things that have meaning and purpose for you. For example, I am committed to my healing because of what has occurred in my life, I know I need to allow myself space to explore my own healing (this year) I want to be the best advocate for change that I can be when it comes to making the world a safer place for our kids. I feel that to give myself that space will allow me to be stronger, and more capable when it gets hard.

I am not content to allow my past to define me, rather allow myself to become the diamond in the rock and shine my best light. So make your commitments appropriate to your needs. It might be your education, your diet, your personal safety or whatever the case is. It is what is important in your life NOW.


Take time with these: it matters. You matter, you can do this, and you are worth it. As Dr Steve Mariboli says, “Intent reveals desire; Action reveals commitment.”

You can find step 1/5 HERE

You can find step 2/5 HERE

You can find step 3/5 HERE


# KellyHumphriesSpeaker #UnscathedBeauty #Foundations #Commitment #SexualAbuse #5pointplan #SexualViolence



Is your house made of straw or is your house made of bricks?


You have already started the process by giving yourself the opportunity to get yourself set for 2017 and committing to a plan for your OWN success. Congratulations on getting to step 3!

If your still reading that means that you are indeed committed to the journey and I congratulate you! Thanks for sticking with me.

screen-shot-2016-12-30-at-11-00-08-amAs I said earlier I took myself on a 10-day journey of discovery in how to overcome trauma. Part of that journey was about stepping into my OWN success despite adversity. So while I contemplated life over a campfire in the bush, I
started my 5-point plan with a set of commitments. Before I was able to make any kind of commitments I needed to know what I valued and what was important to me.

SO… before you start on you 2017 plan lets ponder what it is that you are willing to commit to and what you feel that you can commit to.

There is no point making a commitment that you  cannot fulfil.

If you are reading this, you will be the first to know how Kel’s going to get it done… (Certainly not without help!) Everything comes back to the 5 commitments that you will choose to make. These are the things that you will not waver on.

To show you what I mean- this is at the core of my personal 5-point success plan there is no compromise on these because you must have a strong foundation in order maintain your focus and position. My head is set and ready- now it’s time to get committed.


Kel’s 5 Core Commitments.

  • I am committed to my faith/spirituality. (God/connection/meaning- purpose)
  • I am committed to myself. (my personal growth and wellbeing)
  • I am committed to my family. (Immediate/those who represent family)
  • I am committed to my friends. (Close Circle)
  • I am committed to my career. (Passion, Occupation)

See if you can mimic these 5x commitment with the understanding that commitment is about being dedicated and devoted to a cause. That is YOU.

In the next blog we will look at how we move into the next part of the plan. The next step is 5 x Statements of Achievement (what will help you achieve your commitment) and 5 X Actions to Accomplishment. (Actions in order to fulfil your achievements)

If I can do this- little farm girl Kel… you can do this; wherever you are! Just don’t give up!

You can find step 1 HERE

You can find step 2 HERE

#Dreams #Purpose #Sexual Abuse #Foundations #Success #Play Hard #Speaker #KellyHumphries # KellyHumphriesSpeaker #Courage

Happy New Year


Hey Guys! Are you ready for 2017?IMG_0055 copy

I know I am getting well and truly set with a new and exciting personal development plan. In trying to run the same race each year and not always doing so well, I want to make sure I set myself up this year to achieve all I want, so I can have an incredibly successful year.

Throughout 2016 I have spoken to many people across the community about sexual violence and how important it is to be brave and break the cycle! My book #UnscathedBeauty is coming along nicely, and I am starting to delve press into areas I have been too afraid or self-conscious to do. I have a huge and exciting plan and I cannot wait to walk it out!

I have struggled immensely up until now, within myself, and fought many internal battles to get to this point, but I have grown exponentially.

What I didn’t realise, as I have undertaken the journey of writing my book and starting to speak about what happened, is just how far reaching the effects of the abuse went and how much of my life had changed as a result. I know that the course I have been steered I am using to do things I never thought I would, and in many ways trying to help people overcome. What I also know is that these effects come when you
least expect them. Things like fearing confrontation. Pleasing others. Acting out of guilt and so many other things.

So, I took myself awaimg_6672y on a 10-day intensive challenge where I dealt with some of my demons from my past; that being the sexual abuse that occurred at the hands of my uncle. I went camping in a place with very few people; in fact I was mostly alone for the best part of 10 days in the bush. I underwent an incredible transformation within myself during this time.

While I was away, I started to come up with my own personal development plan. How I was going to walk free from that past and step into a new and wonderful success that belonged to me. That I was free and fully capable of achieving this success.

Over the next 5 blogs, I will share the process of how I set my personal success plan for 2017. It is called, Kel’s 5-point plan- to achieve the best success for yourself in 2017.

So please take a moment to peruse my plan, and use as your own – or in fact, I encourage you to use mine as a template to create your own plan. One that fits you.

Bless you and best wishes for an absolutely incredible 2017- STAY SAFE! STAY TUNED!



#Getsettosucceed #UnscathedBeauty #Success #NoFear #5pointplan #KellyHumphries #BeYourBest #Author #Plantosucceed








Happy Holidays and best wishes


As Christmas dawns on the horizon- and is already upon us I remember the sweet innocence of those twinkling lights, the star on the tree and how we rocked along to Disney’s Christmas Carols – singing our hearts out like the sweet little birds that we were as kids- or maybe not so sweet!

While we innocently waited for Santa to come and bring his sack full of toys, with absolute wonderment and joy and we revelled in the moments of true connection and love, as life waged its war with time we became like the crinkles in the corner of our eyes. Lost in time.

We pitter patted around and put cookies and milk out for Santa, carrots for the reindeer… and we would be in bed early because, ‘He see’s you when your sleeping- and knows when your awake.’ So quickly and seeded with anticipation we would wait for the first one to wake up on Christmas morning… and the screaming and excitement would begin.

I cry as I write this, because I realise what I have missed and what I mourn… What my heart aches for and what life does to us if we don’t keep things in check. As a survivor of Sexual abuse, I have learnt this phenomenon of the ‘inner child.’

I might point out I thought this was all very cliché. But I come to realise very quickly that my innocence, that child was part of me and still is. We all have the memories of our youth that shape and mould us. We all still have that beautiful innocence and joy of children within us- we just forget it is there when life and adversity rears its head and we are forced to act like adults.

I remember how much fun I had at Christmas, and yet the dark sadness of what lay beneath and what was happening would see the simple joys fade like a moment of sunshine flittering in and out behind dark clouds. I was not like the other kids.

My little girl was stolen from me by my Uncle; just like joy may be stolen from you, through situation or circumstance, or maybe just pain… I lost her. I lost her sweet song and her dance in the pain of my innocence lost. My #UnscathedBeauty: all that I am, all that I was meant to be. My laughter and smiles- where did that unbridled laughter go?

It became tinged with deceit. That’s where it went. It become chained by fear and lost in the feeling that no place was safe, and the world was scary. I had to grow up, just so I could live.

Maybe you had to grow up too…really fast. Maybe you are holding on for all you feel you are worth. Perhaps you feel that have no more strength. No time. No money. Perhaps you have forgotten the beautiful wonderful things in this life Maybe your little inner child gone into hiding and you don’t know where they went.

img_6641That’s ok- I only just found her myself skipping around the Christmas tree and singing Christmas carols.

Do the things that make you smile! Build a cubby house or do a colouring in picture. Turn the sprinkler on, run underneath it and laugh like you don’t care. Lick the bowl when you make your next cake and let it smear all over your face…
Look at the people around you and take joy in the simplicity.

It’s is not about things and stuff… They won’t matter later. Love matters and #connectionmatters. Take time to connect with people. Connection creates healing.

So, from my family to yours have an incredible, simple, connected and loving Christmas, filled with innocence, joy and uninhibited laughter!

Much Love- Kel xo

There is not one quote by Kelly

There is not one

It started when I was a teen…a broken and rejected soul who fought make sense of the world. My ideal was a figment of my own imagination, and imagination was utilised to make sense of a distorted reality. Somewhere in the void and the darkness, I believed that there was a reason for what was happening, and had been happening since I was just a little girl. There had to be a purpose for why I was being sexually abused by my uncle. I made excuses, I hid, I was brave and held my own to protect my secret. Our secret.


I aimed for perfection, in favour of rejection.

I mourned innocence, in favour of reverence and significance.

I battled my pride in the tears that were my friend in the night.

I made it better by helping other people, encouraging and doing what I could to make the world a better place than I knew it to be.

One day… I would help girls and boys like me. One day, people would know and I would make a difference. Fear was my friend, because when I was afraid, I knew I was still okay, and I could feel something. Fear was also my enemy because that vision of helping other people has eaten at me for too long, and kept me bound in a shadow of who I could be. I am not sorry. Why? Because I am becoming the best version of who I am, and I have needed to undertake this journey in order to heal and get myself into a position to do this.

I am ready now; thank you for waiting for me!

When I was happy, which was the most part of my childhood, I held on to it. I loved the bush, I loved the smell of mum’s cooking and I loved being an athlete. I was a good athlete. I wanted to be an Olympian and I held tight to that dream… That dream saved me. That dream and the love and blessings of the people around me have grounded me and reminded me of what is important and who I am.

What is ‘Unscathed Beauty’ and what does it mean to unleash it?

It is your heart and your soul.

It is your passion and your vision.

It is your freedom and your hope.

It is your strength and your value.

It is who you were made to be; your dreams spoken, and unspoken.

It is you … and it is me. It is every person who has ever been in a dark place and felt brokenness, dismay, shame or guilt just to name a few.

It is for anyone who has faced adversity and still struggles to find their identity, especially in this chaotic world. Maybe you have been able to rise above that. Maybe you have been able to conquer your darkness. Or maybe you are like me and darkness comes every now and then and you are still learning how to claw your way out. The truth is, there is never a reason for child abuse, but I can turn my circumstances into a cornerstone of strength. I can choose now to make a difference. See I never knew, and he never said… it was a selfish ambition which did not belong to me, but to my perpetrator.

You see, Unscathed Beauty is all that you are, and that which you fight for. It is that thing that you hold onto when there seems to be nothing left within you. It is how you survive.

It is the beauty and the joy that is innately you that no predator, paedophile, abuser or set of adverse circumstances can touch. No person can take it, and no person can make it. It is yours; it is your gift to the world, and it is absolutely amazing and beautiful. It is your Unscathed Beauty.

It is also the title of my book. It is part of my journey, but not all. It has taken some time to answer the challenge of my teens… but I am here now. How? Well I have held onto hope and love. I grasped hold of who I am, and my Unscathed Beauty – now I am unleashing it. I am walking in the freedom of who I am and learning, every day, just how bold I can be.

Walking with Wendy, what can I say…?

I met Wendy just over 18 months ago at a public event where she spoke very passionately about her work. She moved something in my spirit and there was a connection. We both knew there was a reason for the connection. No words were spoken directly to each other, but there was a subtle shift and if I weren’t listening to my heart I would have missed it. There didn’t need to be any words, but I believe we have been led to work together and I am grateful to the many prayers and support I have received to get to this point so far. I am supported on this journey, and blessed and that is why I know Unscathed Beauty will be an incredible piece of work- perhaps my best achievement yet. Wendy Millgate
has the words… (Wendy & Words) and Wendy is now my editor.

We stayed in contact through emails and social media, but we were not able to catch up until Friday 3rd May 2016. While I shared my words and my heart for my book with Wendy, nibbled on copious amounts of chocolate and drank lots of tea, I also cried over my heart to change this space for women and men, and those who are struggling to overcome adversity based on childhood experiences. Wendy listened.

Unscathed Beauty is the first of many books that I will write. Someone once said to me, ‘…. as if you will ever write a book.’ Well I have now – and I could say a few things to that someone… but maybe I should thank them. When someone says I can’t, I say, ‘I can so!’

I finished my final draft of Unscathed Beauty a few months ago, and it has come together nicely. Now it is sitting in the capable hands of Wendy who will dissect it and pull it apart, so I can bring you the best version of Unscathed Beauty that I can.

Together with my friends, family and you, we will set about on a road to change how we view the #CyclesOfSilence that perpetuate our homes and communities. We will make changes, we will shine a light in a really dark space, and we will bring hope and healing to people that need restoration.

Together we will unleash our #UnscathedBeauty and help others find theirs.

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You are valuable and loved - Kelly

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It doesn’t matter how many times I get on stage and speak… there is a moment of truth between knowing I am meant to do this; this is my call… and the thought of, what on earth are they going to think of me? The voice of my childhood has always weighed heavily on me, in the sense that it always floats annoyingly in the back of my mind. It takes commitment to myself and absolute conviction in what I am doing to drown it out.

One of the I have found in myself- and in my own experience of people who have experienced childhood trauma is this: We have learnt to survive based on how people perceive us. Generally, we develop strategies which ensure self preservation, by keeping people in our circles happy and making sure that we are seen as “good.” You are a people pleaser- generally speaking, which in itself is not a bad thing however, we can tend to spend so much of our time trying to make others happy, to keep peace that we very quickly lose sight of our own being.

I firmly believe that this survival mechanism has been formed out of fear- fear of being found out, or the shame of ‘the secret’ being revealed. It is perpetuated by the predator, who plays on this fear as a silent manipulative means to keep you quiet and trapped in your childhood nightmare. “what will mum and dad think of you if they knew…?” So you hold on, and you maintain your image- after all, by keeping people happy, by making sure people like you and by swallowing your hurt and shame, no one will see all of that darkness and shame that you are so afraid to bring out into the open. No one can judge you and no one hurt you. Realistically, the only person who is really judging is yourself. We are always our worst critics, and in most cases the only one who has a negative perception of you, is you! As it turns out, you are like a treasure chest of unexplored strength and character. You are amazing!

I am still afraid, sometimes my strength fades into the dark recesses of my stomach and churns there. Then the prickling sweat of self consciousness rises up and tells me to run. I take a moment and I think about what I have to do and remind myself, people don’t talk about this stuff for a reason- so it is okay to be afraid, but I will not be defined by that fear. I acquit myself of that fear and remember those emotions are not my own, they belong to him, my perpetrator/predator… so I take a breath, I hold myself proud and I know that I will take up that baton no matter how it feels to me- I know it is temporary, and there is a much greater freedom I can give to someone else by being vulnerable.

It has taken me a long time to hold my own image and value, to let go of what I perceive other people will think- at the end of the day they were lies fed to me out of a predators own cowardice and fear. I am strong, I am valuable and I have a mission- No doubt, so do you. Don’t listen to the lies of you past, but hold on to the beautiful person you are, and the courage that is in your heart.

While I plan in the future to speak on many things, sharing the deeply personal journey through overcoming sexual abuse never feels like it is getting easier. When I do speak though, when I begin to bring this issue into the open I feel strength begin to rise, and I know there is no other way- I am doing what I am meant to do. While I am still relatively new to this, I feel like I am exposing my rawness time and time again. I also know that there are stories in every one of us that has the ability to transform the world. When I think of some of the things I have come across in my work as a Police Officer, I feel like my story is really only minor in comparison to what I have seen, heard or dealt. However, I understand the gifts that I have been given to achieve this task and what has happened is opening a door. It’s a heavy door, one that reeks of deception and old age…. It’s dusty, but now is the time to open door and allow light into this very dark place.

I have the ability to make this stand, and remind anyone who has experienced child trauma or sexual abuse that they are not alone, that there is someone who understands their pain, the anger, fear and shame. To bring something so dark out into the light and remind people that no matter where they have come from, or whatever their story that each of us is created uniquely, beautifully and with an absolute purpose in mind. To help men, women and children see their unique beauty and value and their Unscathed Beauty.

Furthermore, for those who have never felt or experienced anything like this, there is an awareness and understanding raised about an issue that generally causes people to run the other direction. Let’s stop running the other way on this stuff… we need to stand together people… we need to let victims who are true survivors know that they are not alone and can overcome their battles. They are valuable, loved and certainly not a shameful secret. It is time to unshackle the shame- to conquer our fears and unleash our #UnscathedBeauty