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What to do after sexual assault or violence

IMG_0044I never want to think anything nasty would ever happen to anyone ever again… but then again we know that it’s just not possible. Sexual Violence can, and still happens more frequently than we know- in fact domestic violence and sexual assault occurs in ⅓ women and 1/6 men. Thats only what we know… and not what goes unreported.

I am someone who knows this and with a background of over 10 years in policing, I know that the stats are just a scratch on the surface of what is really happening. So it goes without saying that cultivating a safe space to talk about some of the hardest things imaginable, is essential. This includes workplaces, schools, families and individuals.

In giving you, or someone you know the best chance of recovery post incident, I have put together a few tips and things that I believe MAY help should anything like this happen (immediatley after an incident).

Tips- If something has happened to your child

  • Call Police or get help. Your child is a victim of a crime (make sure they are in a safe space to disclose)
  • Remain calm
  • Believe them
  • Make sure you are in a safe space to make an informed decision- if you don’t feel very informed, whether you decide to make a complaint or not you can seek advice from the support agencies and Police. You can find a few on my website at kellyhumphries.com
  • Understand that your responses are normal, but they may not always be helpful.
  • Don’t bathe or shower your child. As awful as it is, their clothes and body contain vital evidence for Police.
  • Speak from a heart of love and concern. Provide reassurance, reassurance and more reassurance. By knowing what your child needs, you will know the appropriate response… love your child and be patient with yourself and their emotions. Remind them that they are loved and valuable. ENSURE that if you are angry, you tell them that it is not because of them, but at the situation. That they have done nothing wrong.
  • Do not blame them (Trust me this happens, unfortunately)
  • Try not to ask too many questions until after police have spoken to them. Your questioning may contaminate evidence. If you must ask, then ask open-ended questions… “tell me more about that…”
  • Get your child some form of support- as soon as possible.  Allow them the opportunity to speak freely and give them the choice to speak to a counsellor without you being there. In your protective nature you want to be present in everything.  There are some things that they will not want you to know. Allow them to take their own healing journey and to own their own story.
  • Get some support for yourself and your family as well in order to be the best support for your child that you can be.

If something has happened to you

    • Call Police or get help. You are a victim of crime.
    • Remain calm
    • Understand that your responses are normal, but they may not always be helpful. Be kind to yourself and patient.
    • Make sure you are in a safe space to make an informed decision- if you don’t feel very informed, whether you decide to make a complaint or not you can seek advice from the support agencies. You can find a few on my website at kellyhumphries.com
    • Don’t bathe or shower. Don’t douche. As awful as it is, your clothes contain vital evidence for Police.
    • Write down all you can to recall what happened. The location. The identity and description of the offender. Their car, their smell, whether they had facial hair or not. Their accent and any thing that is different about them.
    • You don’t need to involve police if you don’t wish to. But I highly recommend it. If you choose not to involve police, please take yourself to a medical facility for assistance and to get checked.
    • Ensure that you speak to someone. I left it a very long time to talk to someone and this in one of my biggest regrets. Don’t wait. When I say someone, I don’t just mean a friend. Talk to someone who specialises in sexual violence counselling support. There are certain things that occur in sexual violence scenarios and it is sometimes more helpful to have someone who deals with this frequently.

 

Remember you and your family are valuable. I hope nothing like this ever happens to anyone in your family- it is the reason I have written blogs about what signs (Physical, Psychological, Behavioural)  to look for, grooming patterns etc… in terms of preventing harm and sexual assault and violence occuring.

Even if you never have anything like this happen, make a decision that you can be someone who can stand up and help those who need it and be someone who breaks cycles and not perpetuates them. What I mean by this is, when something happens to someone around us, we have a choice. That is to believe them, validate their experience, reassure them that they are safe and show them love… or we can allow our emotions to rule us, and/or indifference and as a result it could really harm a persons ability to heal. Be a warrior for someone who is in the midst of crisis. You may just save their life.

Thank-you!

Much Love Kel XO

 

Disclaimer:

Every situation is different and each situation has its own very complex circumstances. There are no hard and fast answers, what I say here is my experience- and my own opinion supported at times by research.

This stuff is not black and white. It just can’t be. What is black and white/ right and wrong is that Sexual Abuse and Sexual Violence is never ok, and it is never under any circumstances right.

What is grey is in fact terribly dark… That is the silence that sits surrounding this topic. The shame and absolute fear so heavily laden on the shoulders of victims that the mere thought of speaking brings crippling anxiety and fear.

Lets change that… together.

For further support you can click HERE:

If you are in immediate danger, please call 000 in Australia. 

To report sexual abuse to police- please attend a Police Station or call 131444 for Policelink. (Australia)

To seek support or assistance you can contact me, www.kellyhumphries.com (I am a single entity who can offer advice, and personal coaching. I am not a psychologist or registered counsellor, but I am very approachable and happy to help. 

You can contact the Centre for Sexual Violence at http://www.casv.org.au and download any of their brochures and information, and likewise Bravehearts– https://bravehearts.org.au/

For internet related advice please contact The Carly Ryan Foundation http://www.carlyryanfoundation.com

 

So we have been chatting over the course of a few months now and I have been answering the questions you asked me to delve into.

Last blog, I spoke about “Grooming” and what to look for with grooming behaviour. While the list is not exhaustive, we can be sure that when we are connected and communicating with our kids, and they feel safe, they are more likely to tell us when something’s not right. In the same way, as I have shared the physical, behavioural and Psychological signs of sexual abuse, understanding and being aware of these things will help you to know whether the child, or children in your life may be being targeted.

So how do you prevent the children in your life from being targeted by a predator?

I’m not sure you can completely create a zero risk environment, besides locking your child away, which we know is not realistic… but there are some things that you could do that may minimise the risk. Of course there may be other things I have missed, but here are 10 key strategies that come to mind.

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  • Create a habit of sharing your day with your kids and family members. It may be that you set aside a time each day, each week to just get things off your chest, but foster an environment where your family feels able to communicate what is going on in their lives, free from judgement. Besides helping them feel more confident, you are more likely to know when things are off, or don’t seem right. Create a culture of openness in your home- not secrecy. The agenda for a paedophile includes the ability to groom a child unknowingly, so it is in these types of conversations that you are most likely to pick up cues.
  • Ensure that you know the people in your children’s lives. I cannot tell you the number of kids I have spoken to who have stayed at friends and their parents don’t know the other parents name, address or even have a phone number, much less know the people who are involved with the family. Make sure you be annoying enough to gather that information, set this as a consistent rule for ‘sleep overs’. (some people don’t even allow sleep overs at all until a certain age)
  • Create safe boundaries and stick to them– i.e. the bedroom is for sleeping- not playing (or perhaps the door should stay open) whatever you think is right but the child’s bed should be a safe place. Adult conversations are for adults. 15+ movies are for when you’re 15, not 10 or at least create a culture of your child asking first and being supervised.) Age appropriate video games should be considered…. Children exposed to sexual concepts too young become more sexualised beings at a younger age- it opens the door for a predator to have those same conversations with the child and conditioning a child to believe that this is acceptable and ‘normal’.
  • Be mindful of your child’s behaviour around adults and how they sit, speak, move, act and communicate. Changes in your child’s behaviour could be an indicator that something has happened, is happening, or your child has already been targeted. Be in tune… with how a predator grooms– and know your child’s “normal” behaviour. With this in mind, be brave with your child, and other adults in their life. i.e. (if they are older than 3 or 4, make a rule that your sons/daughters don’t sit on peoples laps.- at all) make it clear to people if you need to that you are teaching your children safe boundaries… and they can sit next to them, not on them…(just an example)
  • Consider changing the password regularly on your Wi-Fi and putting safeguards on your Internet usage. You can find information on parental controls at this link. Think U know also have heaps of online material you can review about cyber safety. https://www.thinkuknow.co.uk/parents/articles/Parental-controls/
  • Become knowledgeable about what apps your kids are using and how they work. It may the most boring thing you do, but it is worth it, not only to connect with your child, but to ensure their online use is safe. For tips on online usage head to #TheCarlyRyanFoundation. The link is below at the end.
  • Have conversations, which teach your child that their body belongs to them. So any victims who are groomed realise what is happening is wrong when its too late and they are stuck in the cycle. That is what happened to me and why I spend this time writing these blogs. Don’t let it be too late for your kids. I would recommend having these conversations as soon as your child can say their words. If you aren’t sure how, maybe you could try one of these two great resources from the National Society for Prevention of Cruelty to Children (NSPCC) and use them to base a conversation around. (I can’t get that Pantosaurus song out of my head! It it will certainly remind kids what is okay and what is not) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-lL07JOGU5o (Pantosaurus) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lGC0cbB0NAM (My Body Song)
  • Make sure your child is aware of their body parts and the names of them. While it sounds a little forward and slightly uncomfortable, teach your kids that a penis is a penis and a vagina is a vagina. It is much easier for them to say what is happening by using the appropriate language then to have the language or slanguage given to the child. It may mean we miss something vital our kids are telling us as well. Not only that but in the unfortunate event something happens to a child in your care, the disclosure will be much more clear and concise if the child is not embarrassed of their body parts and can actually tell police where they were touched, how and not be ashamed.images-1
  • Teach your child prevention and safety tools: Teach your child a safety plan, and ways they can say no if someone was to approach them. For example, some families have a password they use. If a strange person attempts to pick up your child from school they can ask- what’s the password… Ensure that your child knows at least 5 safe, and capable people they can talk to at any time to ask for help. Make sure they are neverUnknown-1 walking to and from school alone.
  • Trust your gut: You will know when something is not right with your child. Be engaged and connected. Have open communication and encourage conversations about hard things. Even a child with a special need will have their own ‘normal’, so whatever their normal, when things are off- investigate. Ask questions and encourage conversations..  #TalkingFamilies

Consider this also, sometimes hard as it is we don’t want to know what’s happening. I know this sounds ridiculous, because what parent or carer wouldn’t want to know if ‘that’ was happening, right? See here lies the problem that we face- most parents are really good, most families are really good. As a society however we are changing… Social media, conversations about sex and some of these tough things are talked about as if they are normal now. This pushes parents into a position of relaxing the boundaries… Young people are becoming older, faster… Not many people raise eyebrows at awful things… maybe it is simply because no one knows what to say… or everyone has an opinion about it, or too much is happening. It does not lessen the impact on the victim- I assure you. It is either buried or admonished firmly, and hideously. So where is the happy medium and the loving support that happens in the middle of hidden secrecy, and righteousness? Who will be brave enough? You?  It is ridiculously important to be educated about this stuff so you know how to be there, to take the right steps and not perpetuate a cycle of silence through a lack of knowledge and understanding.  It doesn’t mean things won’t happen. It means you minimise the risk, you empower yourself to fight and minimise the risk to your family that child abuse will ever enter your home.

IMG_0044Be the warrior… Be and advocate for change in your own home, workplace and community…. It doesn’t all have to be doom and gloom- but sharing and connectedness can bring families closer together. It’s worth it! You are worth it. #UnscathedBeauty

Much Love,

Kel XO

Next Blog: What to do in crisis… if sexual abuse, assault or trauma is happening now. 

Disclaimer:

Every situation is different and each situation has its own very complex circumstances. There are no hard and fast answers, what I say here is my experience- and my own opinion supported at times by research.

This stuff is not black and white. It just can’t be. What is black and white/ right and wrong is that Sexual Abuse and Sexual Violence is never ok, and it is never under any circumstances right.

What is grey is in fact terribly dark… That is the silence that sits surrounding this topic. The shame and absolute fear so heavily laden on the shoulders of victims that the mere thought of speaking brings crippling anxiety and fear.

Lets change that… together.

For further support you can click HERE:

If you are in immediate danger, please call 000 in Australia. 

To report sexual abuse to police- please attend a Police Station or call 131444 for Policelink. (Australia)

To seek support or assistance you can contact me, www.kellyhumphries.com (I am a single entity who can offer advice, and personal coaching. I am not a psychologist or registered counsellor, but I am very approachable and happy to help. 

You can contact the Centre for Sexual Violence at http://www.casv.org.au and download any of their brochures and information, and likewise Bravehearts– https://bravehearts.org.au/

For internet related advice please contact The Carly Ryan Foundation http://www.carlyryanfoundation.com

#SexualAbuse #GroomingStinks #UnscathedBeauty #YourQuestionsAnswered #Courage #AreYouInTune #MeToo #PredatorPrevention #TrustYourGut #TalkingFamilies

My heart and my passion is to see cycles broken and lives changed… Sometimes I get the incredible privilege to be asked to speak. I was honoured just this week, September 28th, 2017 to share at the WAVSS (Working Against Violence Support Service- Logan and Redlands) AGM Breakfast meeting as their guest speaker. WAAVS is a service primarily supporting families through Domestic and Family Violence.

My message among many; you are never alone and what pain we feel can be healed through the power of connection, as well as it be prevented. Did you know that someone has already kicked down the door? Someone has already ridden the rollercoaster? Never is the journey you walk one that hasn’t been travelled in some way by someone before you. Paths have crossed…and while your story is unique shared experiences and breaking through fear brings freedom. Domestic Violence like any other form of trauma is a cycle that needs to be broken and one where a victim (male or female) can feel afraid and isolated.

Many of us in our pain and the crisis in life leave us unable to see past what is happening directly in front of us. More often than not, we are blinded by the crisis and the deep emotions felt when the world deals one of its cruel blows. (It is also how people remain stuck in these spaces) This can last a moment… or sometimes years at a time depending on your experience or situation.

The power of connection provides a way for healing to begin… not just any connection, but a safe, trusted and understanding connection. This is why I love services like WAVSS and many like it… because they are passionate about what they do, and they, understand and believe the cycle needs to be broken.

So my encouragement is simple- make sure the people in your circle of influence are the people that you trust, that are safe, and can ride the waves with you. You are more than a label and you are never alone. #ReachOut #YouMatter

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Thankyou to the team at WAVSS who work with victims and families of Domestic Violence and for allowing me to stand with you!

Much Love

Kel Xo

 

#NotAlone #KellyHumphries #UnscathedBeauty #MoreThanLabels   #Wavss #KellyHumphriesSpeaker

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Dr Linda Evans, Principal, Fairholme College, Toowoomba

Blog 6 grooming

What is grooming? This is a great question and one, which is really hard to answer, because grooming is also very hard to detect. But that is what we are doing in this “Your Questions Answered Series….” so I will do my best to give some perspective here. If you are a parent, teacher, carer or someone who works with children then you need to know what grooming is… but more than that, if we all had a better idea, we might spot the early warning signs, and perhaps save someone from a terrible injustice.

Before you can see grooming happening- you need to know what grooming is.

Maybe I could pose the question differently as this… What is luring? What is coaxing? What is baiting? What is bribing? See I never knew I was being groomed as a child and when I did, I was already caught, hooked, lied to and sunk, I took the bait… just a little fish in a big sea. What I didn’t know was how I was caught and why, until it was too late. I was caught for a good 8 years before I was able to find a way to make it stop, but I didn’t know how it started until much later in life. Much later; much too late… but not too late for some… which is why I spend my time writing and doing what I am doing… so please keep reading!

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As we move forward to tackling this issue of sexual abuse, states across Australia have implemented an offence of grooming and it probably has the best definition I can find.

 S218 B of the Criminal Code, Grooming of a child under 16 years includes facilitating the procuring of a person to engage in a sexual Act

Or:

 Expose without reason the person to ANY indecent matter.

 We defined sexual abuse and indecent acts in blog number 2 of this, “Your Questions Answered Series.

NOTE: There does not need to be physical contact to be considered grooming….

 The penalty is harsher if the child is under 12 years of age.

What’s important? The word Procure: grooming targets individuals who are communicating with a child or even the family of the child with the intent to commit child sexual abuse, engage in a sexual act or an indecent act.

Without writing out the entire legislation, to be charged with this offence, it needs to be shown that the offending person knew the victim was under the age of 16. For the full legislation definition you can click this LINK

 The problem with grooming is you really can’t see it happening and unfortunately for children they don’t know that it is occurring or indeed what the intention may be. It is difficult because the predator is building an emotional connection with the child to then create a level of trust. This in turn creates a prison that the child or young person does not generally realise they are in and they can feel trapped and feel the need to act on what they are asked. It is obviously a very complex area, but over the next few blogs I hope to enlighten you.

A paedophile is calculating and like my uncle, very cunning. Remember it is only an offence when there is intent to exploit the child or victim for a sexual means…

The question is how will you know this is happening? What does it look like? Where do you draw the line for your family? I will answer this in my next blog in this “Your Questions Answered Series,” blog number 7 on how to spot grooming.

 Who can be a groomer? What you should know is that grooming can occur anywhere with anyone, male and female, old and young. They are every background and nationality, every size, weight and height.

Who can be groomed? Who can be groomed- anyone. Anyone can be groomed. A person can be groomed or a group of people. Whatever way a predator can use when they have intent to exploit the relationship for sexual purposes means grooming has occurred.

We have to be mindful of the people in our lives and remember that grooming can happen over a number of years- and like my Uncle, he was always around, loving, supporting and cleverly manipulating our family to get what he wanted. No one would have predicted what he would do. He was always so close to our family and used his position in the family to gain trust. Then he exploited it and left long term damage in the form of his betrayal. (Remember not everyone is like my Uncle- but being mindful of who is surrounding our family is important) in my next blog I will explore some differences that would give you cause to question a relationship and the motives.

Grooming that occurs in the family and of all types of betrayals; for me is one of the hardest to understand. It is also the behaviour of any paedophile, to gain the trust of their victim… and then exploit it through any means… online, in a workplace, at a school, in a sporting group or anywhere. Now more than ever we face a battle with grooming online in silent pathways where young people all over the world are being targeted.

S474 of the Criminal Code prohibits the use of a carrier service (i.e. Phone or internet) to procure a person under 16 for an indecent or sexual matter.

 Sonya Ryan, the CEO and Founder of the Carly Ryan Foundation fights daily for young people in the online space after her daughter Carly was murdered by an online predator who posed as a 17 year old male. In Sonya’s fight to make change Carly’s law has been passed where predators cannot lie about their age online with the intent to cause harm to a child under 16 years of age.

This new law will give police the power to intervene before predators have a chance to act (or groom a child), and will also serve as a strong deterrent, with a tough new sentence of 10 years prison for convicted offenders. You can read about this article here:

If you need assistance or advice on Internet related issues you can contact The Carly Ryan Foundation in the links below.

In my next Blog I will give you signs to look for and some ideas on how to set your boundaries as a family. 

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Take care and look after each other.

Much Love

Kel XO

 

 

Disclaimer:

Every situation is different and each situation has its own very complex circumstances. There are no hard and fast answers, what I say here is my experience- and my own opinion supported at times by research.

This stuff is not black and white. It just can’t be. What is black and white/ right and wrong is that Sexual Abuse and Sexual Violence is never ok, and it is never under any circumstances right.

What is grey is in fact terribly dark… That is the silence that sits surrounding this topic. The shame and absolute fear so heavily laden on the shoulders of victims that the mere thought of speaking brings crippling anxiety and fear.

Lets change that… together.

 

For further support you can click HERE:

If you are in immediate danger, please call 000 in Australia. 

To report sexual abuse to police- please attend a Police Station or call 131444 for Policelink. (Australia)

To seek support or assistance you can contact me, www.kellyhumphries.com (I am a single entity who can offer advice, and personal coaching. I am not a psychologist or registered counsellor, but I am very approachable and happy to help. 

You can contact the Centre for Sexual Violence at http://www.casv.org.au and download any of their brochures and information, and likewise Bravehearts– https://bravehearts.org.au/

For internet related advice please contact The Carly Ryan Foundation http://www.carlyryanfoundation.com

#GroomingStinks #UnscathedBeauty #Whatisgrooming #KellyHumphries #KellyHumphriesSpeaker #CowardlyTricks #YourQuestionsAnswered

WARNING: content not appropriate for children under the age of 15 yrs, but hey- a contextually and age appropriate conversation with your children raising some awareness around this topic is always a good thing

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Your Questions Answered Series… Blog 3 – You asked and these are my answers. What am I doing? You can read about it here.

I have shared with you the definition and the scope of sexual violence (here is the LINK). I have also shared in my last blog the behavioural indicators of sexual abuse (LINK) and now this is a look at 12x physical signs of sexual abuse. Remember with anything- all of us have a duty to assess what we see and consider whether a child or anybody for that matter needs assistance. We should consider if what is occurring, what is seen and what is heard needs to be reported. If your not sure about something- ask more questions, it’s best if they are open ended and this allows for more communication to occur and there is less pressure on the victim).

Be brave; don’t be afraid to ask questions! Be afraid not to, because living with the guilt is much harder than saying I tried… Your questions may save a life, but be gentle… and be gently persistent, especially if you really do believe that something is happening. IMG_5726

I can tell you right now that this is a really tough series of blogs to put together, and if you are reading along, I want to acknowledge you for your willingness to be educated and informed. This blog is probably a little harder hitting than the other blogs, because this is the stuff that is hard to hear, hard to talk about and even harder to imagine. (Even hard to write!)

The thing is, this is the reality of it. This is what happens and as a parent, teacher, support worker, legal or medical professional or child-care worker or anyone who is around children and young people, this is what the physical signs of sexual abuse and violence include.

As I said in the Screaming Silence of Sexual abuse, these are not usually seen as a singular entity. If child abuse of any kind (physical, emotional or psychological) is occurring, it is usually displayed via a number of signs, symptoms and behavioural traits that indicate that something is ‘not right.’ That something may be explained by a few simple questions. i.e How are you doing? Are you feeling ok? I see that your not playing sport today, can you tell me whats happened? Remind the child that you are a safe person and encourage conversation.

Physical Signs of Sexual Abuse:

  • Burning sensations during urination and any bowel movements. (Caused by irritation, infection and or pain as a result of foreign bodies, or sexual penetration.)
  • Self-harm or cutting: (Coping response, but also as a result of a numbing, the victim- in order to feel something tends to cut. This is believed to release some emotion for the victim as well) It can also indicate other types of trauma.
  • Sleep disturbances and nightmares (In a state of anxiety, the victim will be experiencing hyper-vigilance. In my case, I waited up at night to see if he would come… I was looking over my shoulder and I was afraid of what would happen- very difficult to have a peaceful nights sleep)
  • Inserting objects and items into vagina or a boy ‘humping’ or mounting stuffed animals: and/or finding foreign items in genital or rectal areas. (Typically children display what they are taught. A child who knows no better – is simply mimicking what they have been shown. It is also to provide the same biological response, which sadly has been enforced on the child.)
  • Trauma to breasts, bottom, lower abdomen or thighs. (Especially if there is more than just ‘touching’ occurring- there will generally be evidence of trauma to the genital area (Can include bleeding in these areas) (can cause general discomfort and child not wishing to participate in physical activity at school)
  • Pregnancy(Let’s hope not, but this can and DOES happen)
  • Sexually transmitted diseases. (If a child they may begin to show signs of STI’s, possibly around their mouth, or genital areas especially if there was never any signs previously)
  • Unexplained wetting of pants and even soiling pants. (This is for several reasons… Possibly fear, potential infections in the area, at times to appear less attractive, and due to enlargement in the area as a result of trauma)
  • Abnormal enlargement of vaginal or rectal areas. (Forced trauma to these areas would result in stretching of the area)
  • The presence of semen/sperm. (for obvious reasons)
  • Ongoing infections in genital area– (especially young girls and having frequent Urinary Tract Infections.)
  • Stained or bloodied underwear.

Of all of the signs of sexual abuse and child trauma, while these are the most obvious, unless you are a parent or carer, or are in a position where you are seeing the child getting changed, or living in close proximity to the child, it is quite easy for these signs to go unnoticed. So other things to be aware of could be some of the following:

  • Child does not want to participate in sports or physical activity.
  • Child complains of pain in genital areas, or pain while going to the toilet.
  • Attempts made to cover legs and thighs.
  • Blood or semen in child’s underwear.

Please be a hero to a child suffering from any kind of abuse and report the matter. There is a genuine fear surrounding what we think we see, reporting the matter and subsequently having to go through the process. There are thought such as- What if I am wrong? What if I have to go to court? What if the parent comes after me? What if i do it wrong? 

Just ask… and if your not sure ask… and if you don’t know how… ask…! Better to ask, then to find out that you were right… something was happening and you could have saved them.

And if your wrong…. then so what? Be brave and speak up!

You can do it!

 

Much Love ,

Kel xo

Next Blog: Psychological Signs of Sexual Abuse.

Disclaimer:

Every situation is different and each situation has its own very complex circumstances. There are no hard and fast answers, what I say here is my experience- and my own opinion supported at times by research.

This stuff is not black and white. It just can’t be. What is black and white/ right and wrong is that Sexual Abuse and Sexual Violence is never ok, and it is never under any circumstances right.

What is grey is in fact terribly dark… That is the silence that sits surrounding this topic. The shame and absolute fear so heavily laden on the shoulders of victims that the mere thought of speaking brings crippling anxiety and fear.

Lets change that… together.

 

For further support you can click HERE:

If you are in immediate danger, please call 000 in Australia.

To report sexual abuse to police- please attend a Police Station or call 131444 for Policelink. (Australia)

To seek support or assistance you can contact me, www.kellyhumphries.com (I am a single entity who can offer advice, and personal coaching. I am not a psychologist or registered counsellor, but I am very approachable and happy to help.

You can contact the Centre for Sexual Violence at http://www.casv.org.au and download any of their brochures and information, and likewise Braveheartshttps://bravehearts.org.au/

For internet related advice please contact The Carly Ryan Foundation http://www.carlyryanfoundation.com

 

#ScreamingSilence #Author #KellyHumphries #KellyHumphriesSpeaker #UnscathedBeauty #Courage #Doyouevenknow #ScreamingSilence #Sexual Abuse

Awarded the QBANK Everyday Hero Award

Hiding blog 2

If only you had known the signs…right? Would you have still heard the cries? Maybe if you knew- you could see? These are your questions answered. 

The crazy thing about sexual abuse, child trauma or anything that exists in silence is the harsh reality that even in that cloak of silence, the desperate cries of a victim are always there- screaming loudly- right in front of us. Sometimes the scream is so subtle, we cannot hear a thing… but I promise you the victim is screaming, begging for help and desperately trying to be free from what is happening to them.

So how can you tell if sexual abuse is happening? What are the behavioural indicators that something is not right?

To break this up- I will create three separate blogs regarding the signs of Sexual Abuse. Why? Besides being extremely complex, there are more than just the signs to look for. So apologies in advance for the long reads, but I don’t believe it would be fair to anyone to who is suffering in silence to only give you a snippet. There are also the why’s behind a victims behaviour that are important to understand.  I hope to help you see some of them through this blog.

Remember, every situation is different, some behaviours are more ingrained than others, and sometimes, even if we look for the signs, they can be missed. Some indicators may also be symptomatic of other types of trauma and do not generally occur as a singular entity, but are usually coupled with other types of behaviours, and or conditions.

From what I know of my own experience (which you can find some information HERE) and many I have spoken to, a sexual abuse survivor in their desperate battle is ALWAYS willing someone to see, if only they don’t have to say it out loud, and if only they don’t have to feel that guilt and shame. They ache for those chains to be broken and someone to make it stop.

I know, I screamed as loud as I could and yet had no words. I felt like I had no power and I was completely ashamed of who I was and what was happening to me. I wanted to tell. I longed to utter the words to my parents… but I was crippled with fear… learnt from a well seasoned predator.

So how does a survivor or victim talk when they are not using their words? This is a fairly extensive look, but I wanted to cover as much as I could-and a little about the why!  This is of course not exhaustive either… So lets do this…

Let’s start with the behavioural signs of Sexual Abuse.

  • Withdrawal: (very common) – Victim becomes silent, recluse, non committing, clinginess in toddlers, regressive behaviour including bed wetting (when they normally wouldn’t) will either run from home (if things happen in the home or child feels unsafe) or will isolate themselves at home. (This all really depends on age)
  • Shower frequently: Often a victim of abuse will feel dirty and the feeling of having a shower will wash that feeling of shame away.  Sometimes even not showering at all…
  • Detailed and intrinsic understanding of sexual behaviour: A child who is being sexually abused is being exposed to any number of sexual activities, imagery, and grooming behaviour. It goes without saying that they would have a greater understanding of sexual type behaviour. They may also have new names for their private parts. Without getting too complicated, children should know the correct terminology for their anatomy- i.e. Penis and Vagina. The reason is because when giving any kind of evidence, or if they are ever in a position where they need to talk about what has happened to them, they can be very clear and concise about what’s occurred.
  • Sexual themes in drawings, play and conversations: There are many thoughts here. Children express emotions freely through creativity. Furthermore, children who are told to keep secrets need an avenue of expression, which can come out in play. It also comes back to the nature and nurture debate, and that the behaviour is learnt. How do they know to do this if they have not been taught? They may also exhibit signs of sexual abuse through mimicking sexual behaviour with stuffed animals.
  • Feelings of anger:
    • Delinquent behaviour- acting out or no regard for the laws and/or boundaries. Sometimes this is because they feel unvalued and unloved. It can be about attention, but also a child who experiences abuse often copes by becoming numb. Engaging in crime can produce an adrenaline response… then they feel something. Something is better than feeling nothing. This is also one of the reasons a victim may choose to cut.
    • Physically Violent- As above, but also as an expression of anger and emotion they don’t know how to displace. Depending on the abuse they receive it is possible that it is learnt, but more often than not, these victims are projecting an internal emotion.
    • Aggressive behaviour– Again, refer to the above. May also be a way to avoid the abuse… (In a very twisted way, I have had experiences where victims have been groomed in such a way that only good behaviour is rewarded, but to get the “good” thing, they need to do a certain act, being “naughty” or aggressive can mean that abuse is avoided, if the abuse is not then used as a punishment. In a round about way… a child cannot win and is mostly confused, angry, emotional and lives in a hyper-vigilant highly anxious state.
  • Change of eating habits: either refuses to eat, or over eats.
  • Nightmares and insomnia: the victim will most likely feel unsafe like going to sleep will expose them. It is also an indication of stress.
  • Suicidal/suicide ideation: This really belongs in psychological signs, however you can at times have a child who says they want to kill themselves as a means to attract the attention they need. Generally speaking this is a huge cry for help, but this can also become a huge part of how a child behaves… in a way that they want to die. (I don’t believe that this is very common- this is more of a Psychological thing where a child would actually be considering ways to kill themselves)
  • Imaginary friends: in children who have experienced significant trauma, a means of coping called disassociation can occur where a child can develop multiple personalities, or imaginary friends. You may see children chatting to themselves and not making a whole lot of sense. (This is obviously quite complex and is also a psychological sign, however still becomes quite a behavioural trait if occurring) (In later blogs I will explore coping strategies.)
  • Overly compliant behaviour: (people pleasing) young people who have been abused and exposed to ongoing long and protracted grooming behaviours are often overly helpful and pleasing. Probably the most difficult thing to spot or get a sense that something was off… as we would always love having an overly pleasing child, but it is very needy type behaviour you are looking for. A little more intimate, clingy and desperate. Your intuitions will show you and you will sense something is off. This is to avoid conflict, to keep the peace, and protect their safety bubble.
  • Drug and Alcohol use: not so much in the younger children but as a child gets older they may start to abuse substances in order to cope. This is also a mask for many traumas and undisclosed issues.
  • Prostitution and unexplained money or gifts that your child may be in possession of: depending on the nature of the abuse and what is actually occurring a child may get ‘gifts’ for sexual acts or in exchange for doing a sexual act. It may also be a progression towards a sexual act in the form of grooming. For Example, the child may be asked to take off their clothes and have their picture taken- all they have to do is pose and they get $50. It may seem harmless enough to the child, but this image is then used to make child exploitation material as a naked adult can then be edited into the image and sold. This is why you should be very mindful about what images you post of your child on FB or instagram etc.… they can be copied, and edited and your child or family member then exploited. Furthermore, depending on their age and location in the world, for some young people they are prostitutes and like adults in prostitution, trade money for sex.
  • Fear of adults- the same sex as the abuser: My mum noticed me recoil in fear one day as my Uncle was trying to help me into the car after I had been injured, I remember it clearly; however I didn’t know that anyone else had seen. Looking back now I know I was afraid of him and at times felt threatened by other men. I never knew then, as it was a very subconscious process. For a child experiencing abuse, this could be a complicated issue.
  • Fantasy world focus: unable to stay focussed: (A little like adhd) Child may be extremely detached from the real world and often appear disengaged.
  • Child does not want to go home: Child may indicate a preference to live elsewhere, and show obvious signs of trauma when required to go home.
  • Concentration difficulties: Child may be harder to engage and possibly have issues staying on task.
  • Poor relationships with peers: The child who is being abused already will be struggling with who they are and their purpose. Specifically, the child’s personality will undergo a makeover, after the initial sexual abuse encounter  everything is turned upside down and they feel very much alone. This self isolation, poor self esteem and general inability to concentrate, lack of boundaries, makes life very hard for a young victim.
  • Possible dressing as the opposite sex: There are a few thoughts around this – but it is a protective thing in the hope that it doesn’t happen anymore and victim may be less appealing to the abuser if they are the opposite sex. It may also be about appearing tougher, or smaller than they are as a statement of how they feel or to protect themselves. (bear in mind, that sexual abuse has very little to do with a persons disposition towards one sex or another)
  • Lack of boundaries: Kids who have experienced trauma tend to also experience a lack of boundary control. This could be walking into the shower while someone else is in there, taking clothes off in public, inappropriate touching of strangers, unhealthy attachment to other adults and even those they don’t know and;
  • Secretly hiding what they are doing online: Not openly sharing passwords, or information about who they are talking too. Be aware of any new names popping up who you don’t know and where it appears that details are being left out when your child talks about this person or is asked about this person. For more information on Internet and safe strategies online head to http://www.carlyryanfoundation.com.

The best way you can tell is making sure that you have an open and connected relationship with your child. Get to know what they do and don’t like, how they act and communicate. When they are not their ‘normal’ self, then you know something is not right. You are the closest person to your child.

Remember there is always help available. Don’t be afraid or ashamed to ask questions and report what has happened.

Take care and chat soon,

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Much Love,

Kel xo

 

 

To see the definition of sexual abuse and what that looks like click HERE:

NEXT BLOG: Physical Signs of Sexual Abuse.

Disclaimer:

Every situation is different and each situation has its own very complex circumstances. There are no hard and fast answers, what I say here is my experience- and my own opinion supported at times by research.

This stuff is not black and white. It just can’t be. What is black and white/ right and wrong is that Sexual Abuse and Sexual Violence is never ok, and it is never under any circumstances right.

What is grey is in fact terribly dark… That is the silence that sits surrounding this topic. The shame and absolute fear so heavily laden on the shoulders of victims that the mere thought of speaking brings crippling anxiety and fear.

Lets change that… together.

 

For further support you can click HERE:

If you are in immediate danger, please call 000 in Australia.

To report sexual abuse to police- please attend a Police Station or call 131444 for Policelink. (Australia)

To seek support or assistance you can contact me, www.kellyhumphries.com (I am a single entity who can offer advice, and personal coaching. I am not a psychologist or registered counsellor, but I am very approachable and happy to help.

You can contact the Centre for Sexual Violence at http://www.casv.org.au and download any of their brochures and information, and likewise Braveheartshttps://bravehearts.org.au/

For internet related advice please contact The Carly Ryan Foundation http://www.carlyryanfoundation.com

 

#ScreamingSilence #Author #KellyHumphries #KellyHumphriesSpeaker #UnscathedBeauty #Courage #Doyouevenknow #ScreamingSilence

 

What is IT? Sexual Abuse defined; but with a difference…

What is Sexual Abuse and Sexual Violence?

Well… I’m so glad you asked… and you did- thankyou. It goes without saying that we should get a few things straight if we are going to delve into sexual abuse and sexual violence and try to understand how and what to do when these awful things turn up in life. Makes sense to get the foundations right- right?

For Blog 1 What is sexual Violence

Before I start- if you are reading my blog for the first time, you can find a bit more about what I am doing, and who I am by clicking HERE. It is my heart to break cycles of Child trauma and abuse through education, empowerment, understanding and creating transformation. Why? Because every victim is one too many- it happened to me and if I can stop it happening to just one other child, or family, then I have done something good. One step at a time, one day at a time, together we can make a difference…

There are many areas to consider when trying to define sexual violence and abuse- so it is actually a little bit difficult to give a clear cut answer- but hey I’ll try.

There are many avenues of violation that can occur and it is for that reason some people, organisations and certain areas of governments may place sexual abuse and assault under the banner of Sexual Violence– to make it easier.

The scope of sexual violence can stretch to include child pornography, making Child Exploitation Material (that is existing both in the home and in an online space), Incest, Rape, or any sexual act, innuendo or the like committed against any person (Adult or Child) without consent.

Additionally, we cannot forget Internet crimes which account for a large percentage of the statistics, whether it be a initial online meeting – followed up by meeting in person to conduct a sexual act, showing of images which include pornography or demanding a child perform sexual acts over the internet, or grooming (to name a few). For our teens, a majority of our young people think that sending a nude pic over their phone or being made to send a nude pic is now a ‘normal’ element of dating- or even an expectation if you are going to ‘go out’ with someone.

There are teens (and even adults) whose ideas of healthy relationships involve violent sex and raping a girl or on the odd occasion a girl forcing a guy because of what they see online. The victims, both male and female are either uninformed or too afraid to report what is happening. I want to make sure we know that none of this is okay!

On the more extreme side of this are things there are horrific stories of sex trafficking, child pornography rings, human trafficking and sex slavery. These are all real issues and have or do occur at some level in Australia and across the world. (topic for another day!) Essentially, Sexual Violence itself is very broad and essentially can be covered in one sentence- Sexual Violence is basically anything of a sexual nature where consent cannot be given, or is not given.

Defined: So while the term is very broad- If we want to get technical about Sexual Violence there is a great definition in the Miller-Keane Encyclopedia and Dictionary of Medicine, Nursing and Allied Health…

Sexual Abuse any act of a sexual nature performed in a criminal manner, as with a child or with a non-consenting adult, including rape, incest, oral copulation, and penetration of genital or anal opening with a foreign object. The term also includes lewd or lascivious acts with a child; any sexual act that could be expected to trouble or offend another person when done by someone motivated by sexual interest; acts related to sexual exploitation, such as those related to pornography, prostitution involving minors, or coercion of minors to perform obscene acts.” {Including over the internet}

Each one of these individual areas which make up sexual violence, i.e. Rape have their own individual criteria, which explained, are all very different. If you think it would be helpful; I can certainly write about each one for you, please send me a message or make a comment below about what you want to learn and I will do my best.

Basically the thing that needs to be understood is CONSENT. U16- no consent can be given. If you want a really clear-cut understanding of consent you should check out this small 2-minute YouTube clip, which talks about consent. You can check it out HERE. The feedback I have received around the issue of consent is very blurry and can sometimes leave people getting into a great deal of trouble because they do not understand consent.

Putting it simply- a child under the age of 12 (in Australia) cannot give consent- ever. A child between the ages of 12-16 cannot give consent either, however, some consideration could be given if perhaps one party was 17 and the other was 15; if the older party was of the belief that the ‘victim’ was 16.

Regardless, if something was happening and there was sexual behaviour occurring between two ‘consenting’ 15 year olds, it is possible that both could be investigated. Each case reported to police will be assessed individually.

Because I have some creative juices flowing- I threw this little poem together which perhaps will give you a unique insight as to what sexual abuse and violence sounds like. This is of course based on my own experience.

The Hideous Deception

 

It does sound kinda yuck, in fact yuck it kinda sounds
I don’t like it when you talk about it,
Makes me wanna frown.
It makes me angry, makes me sad,
Makes me wanna cry,
It really is the very thing that makes me wanna die.
It is forced and not consensual,
Nothing about “this sex’ is sensual,
Reminds me of the numb I feel.
The years of abuse, the raw deal.
Exploited, thwarted, cavorted and played.
Groomed, pruned and broke.
Nothing could have prepared me,
For the cunning words you spoke.
Coercion, distortion, things out of proportion,
Extortion, repulsion- it’s Rape…
Confusion, delusion, hate;
I wish I had understood the hideous transgression,
Makes me feel kinda bent,
Like my innocence, I’m not your possession,
Thank God, for my own inception.
I found my strength to conquer this hideous deception.
 
Kelly Humphries – 2017

 

While that is an individual expression of what Sexual Violence may be to one person, the effects of any sexual offence and personal violation of any kind can be far reaching.

If you are someone who has read this and feels that they have had an offence occur IMG_0044against them of a sexual nature, please get some support. You can find support links HERE. I would encourage you to connect with people who will understand your situation, and can provide appropriate advice. I would also encourage you to speak to Police, make a report and get advice. (more on this in future blogs)

Take care and stay safe!

 

Much Love

Kel XO

 

 

 

 

#KellyHumphriesSpeaker #YourQuestionsAnswered #Resilience #HideousDeception #BreakTheCycle #Purpose #UnscathedBeauty #SexualAbuse #SexualViolence #KelsPoems #KellyHumphries

 

 

 

Disclaimer:

Every situation is different and each situation has its own very complex circumstances. There are no hard and fast answers, what I say here is my experience- and my own opinion supported at times by research.

This stuff is not black and white. It just can’t be. What is black and white/ right and wrong is that Sexual Abuse and Sexual Violence is never ok, and it is never under any circumstances right.

What is grey is in fact terribly dark… That is the silence that sits surrounding this topic. The shame and absolute fear so heavily laden on the shoulders of victims that the mere thought of speaking brings crippling anxiety and fear.

Lets change that… together. #LetsMakeChange

 

 

If you are in immediate danger, please call 000 in Australia.

To report sexual abuse to police- please attend a Police Station or call 131444 for Policelink. (Australia)

To seek support or assistance you can contact me, www.kellyhumphries.com (I am a single entity who can offer advice, and personal coaching. I am not a psychologist or registered counsellor, but I am very approachable and happy to help.

You can contact the Centre for Sexual Violence at http://www.casv.org.au and download any of their brochures and information, and likewise Bravehearts- https://bravehearts.org.au/

For internet related advice please contact The Carly Ryan Foundation http://www.carlyryanfoundation.com

 

Reference:

Miller-Keane Encyclopedia and Dictionary of Medicine, Nursing, and Allied Health, Seventh Edition. © 2003 by Saunders, an imprint of Elsevier, Inc. [online] Available at: http://medical-dictionary.thefreedictionary.com/sexual+abuse [10/04/2017]

Special Thanks to Katrina Weeks- Centre for Sexual Violence Logan for her collaboration.

Blogs by Kelly

“Sometimes we dare to dream we have the ability to do something powerful: a thing, which holds meaning and purpose. Sometimes we are even brave enough to allow ourselves an opportunity to do that ‘thing’ we have always dreamed about doing. Even fewer times do we allow ourselves permission to actually do it!” Kelly Humphries- Author, Speaker, Coach

I believe that we all desire to succeed in our own way; to be the best that we can be and do something incredible with our lives.

Often times though we are clouded by life and the situations that surround us. We cannot see past our crisis and it’s easy to become buried, dark, depressed and lack lustre about life. We seek to understand and feel misunderstood. We grind through life, we hope and fall on our faces eating dirt and feel the whole world is on a vendetta to get at us.

Well, luckily… we have a choice… we can be de-vined by our painful past, situations or circumstances or we can choose to hold on to the vine and grow out of control.

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I am reminded of this simple thing after spending a week in Sydney just recently, becoming an accredited results coach. I was all a-buzz with the collective consciousness, the incredible energy that permeated the training room and the sheer passion and enthusiasm of the other coaches to make a difference to others lives.

The vine was alive and full of life, and by choosing to be vulnerable, seek insight and tapping into the strength and knowledge of the others around me, I grew leaps and bounds in a mere 6 days. Growth can be found anywhere though, you just need to look for it. Seek like minded people. Be disciplined and choose to challenge your limitations by stretching through your comfort zone. You can do it!

I am now more congruent than ever with my message of finding, stepping into and unleashing my Unscathed Beauty- That is all you are and all you are meant to be despite life and all that occurs around you which would seek to bring you down. You have power and dominion over that darkness and can choose to walk in the light. Just decide!

So I ask you… what vine are you clinging to? Is it encouraging your growth? Is it inhibiting your freedom to move and step forward into the path you desire? Is your past keeping you locked in the shadows.

Grasp hold of your passion and purpose for this life and know that you have incredible value!

You owe it to yourself to put your personal growth at the forefront of your priorities. Don’t be separated from the vine. Get close to people who can encourage your personal growth and push you forward into your goals and future.

You deserve success and you deserve to Unleash your Growth. That is to be the best version of who you are, to have success and leave the legacy you have only ever dreamed of.

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Thanks Team!

Thank-you to the incredible vine of people who helped me explode exponentially this past week and to my family for holding fort in my absence!

#UnleashYourUnscathedBeauty #UnleashYourGrowth #UnscathedBeauty #Kelly Humphries #Success #Purpose #PersonalDevelopment #destiny #AuthenticEducation

meme-blog-success

Well done guys, you are getting toward the end of my 5-point plan to shine your best light in 2017! Are you ready to step up… and step out?

meme-blog-success

 

You should have now made your commitments for 2017, and written your 5x Statements of Achievement for each one of your commitments.

 

5-core-commitments-and-statements-of-achievement

NOW… you can go ahead and move into how you are going to make these things happen! That is your 5x Actions to Accomplishment. This is essentially how you are going to achieve your commitments. You need to ensure that you make these actions achievable- and not things that you cannot possibly do; or we set ourselves up to fail. These of course can be changed, added to, increased or decreased. Why? Because life is busy, so put in what you know you can achieve, and then add more as you feel your capacity grow.

It looks like this… utilising point 1 from my Statements of Achievement-

My 5x Actions to Accomplishment are ways in which you will achieve each of your 5x Statements of Achievement. You can then add these into your schedule or calendar as you see fit and to what you believe you can achieve.

i.e. I am committed to my own personal Growth.

  1. Read 6 personal growth books during 2017
  2. Continue attending Toastmasters Meetings monthly
  3. Find an appropriate mentor by March, 2017
  4. Attend 2 Self Development courses during 2017
  5. Complete an individual development plan for 2017

actions-to-accomplishmentAll you then need to do is slot this into your calendar as you feel is appropriate.

You have done extremely well if you have decided to give this a go. I know I have much more clarity about what I am doing as a result of mapping out my own plan. It takes humility and conviction to which if you are still with me you already have.

5x Statements of Commitment (your unwavering commitments)

5 x Statements of Achievement (what will help you achieve your commitment)

5 X Actions of Accomplishment. (Actions in order to fulfil your achievements)

So now go ahead and set your actions to accomplishment and start moving towards your own personal success plan!

You deserve success. You deserve to achieve incredible things. You are made uniquely, for a unique purpose! Don’t miss it by allowing it to pass you by! Keep walking, moving, and pushing forward. Fix your eyes on the destination, the purpose and the intention. One goal at a time, you will get there!

For steps 1-4 see the following links!

You can find step 1/5 HERE

You can find step 2/5 HERE

You can find step 3/5 HERE

You can find step 4/5 HERE

 

Congratulations!

 

#Writing #Dreams #5pointplan #UnscathedBeauty #Foundations#Author #KellyHumphries #SexualAbuse #Success #Purpose #Change The World #StepUp

Fishing girl footer background

So now you have made your commitments you are ready to move on to the next phase of the 5-point plan to shine your incredible unique light in 2017. Now we look towards creating the next step and this is your 5x Statements of Achievement. Well done for getting this far along!

 

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I have provided an example below of what this looks like.

Remember these are my personal 5x Core Commitments (yours may look slightly different, but as I said in my fist blog of this series, we are all fundamentally the same)

  • I am committed to my faith/spirituality. (God/connection/meaning- purpose)
  • I am committed to myself. (Me and my personal wellbeing and growth)
  • I am committed to my family. (Immediate/those who represent family)
  • I am committed to my friends. (Close Circle- followed my outer circle (you can only do so much with your time!))
  • I am committed to my career. (Passion, Occupation)

5-core-commitments

My five Statements of achievement are what I believe will ensure I fulfil my commitments. So to show you what 5x Statements of Achievement look like I have worked with my own commitment number 2.

2- I am committed to myself.

My 5x Statements of Achievement for commitment number 2 are as follows.

  1. I am committed to my personal growth.
  2. I am committed to my physical, emotional and spiritual wellbeing.
  3. I am committed to my personal healing.
  4. I am committed to being kind to myself.
  5. I am committed to being passionate.

5-core-commitments-and-statements-of-achievementEach one of your commitments should have their own statements of achievement. When you are making these statements think about the things that have meaning and purpose for you. For example, I am committed to my healing because of what has occurred in my life, I know I need to allow myself space to explore my own healing (this year) I want to be the best advocate for change that I can be when it comes to making the world a safer place for our kids. I feel that to give myself that space will allow me to be stronger, and more capable when it gets hard.

I am not content to allow my past to define me, rather allow myself to become the diamond in the rock and shine my best light. So make your commitments appropriate to your needs. It might be your education, your diet, your personal safety or whatever the case is. It is what is important in your life NOW.

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Take time with these: it matters. You matter, you can do this, and you are worth it. As Dr Steve Mariboli says, “Intent reveals desire; Action reveals commitment.”

You can find step 1/5 HERE

You can find step 2/5 HERE

You can find step 3/5 HERE

 

# KellyHumphriesSpeaker #UnscathedBeauty #Foundations #Commitment #SexualAbuse #5pointplan #SexualViolence